I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

Then the OP doesn't have to pretend she's richer than she is, and buy herself a girlfriend who's going to bleed her dry, does she?

I was just trying to work out how OP hadn't realized she was being financially exploited and decided it must be gold star cunnilingus.
OP buys the meals out and DP eats out?
Constant orgasmic haze?

I'm all seriousness OP this ys an unequal, toxic, abusive relationship.

Confide in family, friends and get support to dump her ass.

You might feel sorry for this woman, OP, but you can't fix her. You're not a therapist. There's professional support out there for people with mental health issues, problem debts, difficulty finding work etc. But if she won't engage with it, there's nothing you can do, unless she's so ill that she's no longer competent to refuse treatment for her MH issues.

Life's too short to live with someone who behaves like your partner. It sounds stressful, exhausting, and in addition to that, very tedious. Also, just because someone has issues and is vulnerable in some ways, that doesn't mean that they're a nice person. Nothing you've written suggests that your partner is good or caring and you deserve much better.

I suggest you contact Woman's Aid for advice and support in safely extricating yourself from these leeches. They're dragging you down. Once you're safe, I hope you get therapy to help you work on your people-pleasing tendencies. It will feel very uncomfortable at first, but if you can establish healthy boundaries and maintain them, you will be happier and less likely to get into dysfunctional friendships and relationships.

If you were already in a safe situation, I'd suggest that you start saying "no" to the unreasonable demands (from all of these people) and practise letting the feelings of discomfort wash over you, without caving. After all, feelings are not facts, and they will pass. But I can't recommend this, because I don't think you're in a safe situation and the pushback from these freeloaders could be very abusive.

I voted YABU because you know that you are being massively taken advantage of but you allow it.

She is not a good person. Even if as you put it "if their finances were sorted out", she still wouldn't be a good person. She probably thinks her finances are sorted out - she is bleeding you dry and bringing her friends. Tell her you're about to be made redundant or whatever reasonable excuse you can make about a sudden disastrous change in circumstances - your bitcoin has crashed or whatever. You probably won't see her and her cronies for dust. Get a ring camera for the door if you don't already have one (before you announce the financial crunch) and change the locks. I'd think about window locks as well. I second the suggestion of contacting Woman's Aid for advice and support in safely extricating yourself from these leeches. Have you a burly relative or indeed any relative who could move in and stay with you for a few weeks?

Can I ask something that you like about her?
Tell me 3 good things she brings to your life?
Tell me the last time she made genuinely smile?

Sorry if that's a bit much, but after 6 months, this is not healthy, and you are being taken advantage of, you sound so wonderful, this isn't what life should be like.

My friend and I were chatting about conmen recently and how they inveigle their way into your finances through guilt. One way is to take your money happily, and when a bit of reciprocity is requested, act like they are the victim of you manipulating them with money. These people are sociopaths. They have no conscience. Your GF is a conwoman, and no level of neuro diversity excuses that. She’s clearly exploiting you, bringing her friends round who are just like her, freeloading sociopaths. She’s clearly done the same to her ex. You need to dump her and cut contact. She can scream about the “injustice” of it all to her friends. You need to stay well away from her. That’s your children’s future security being spent on a con artist. Wake the fuck up

This cocklodger & co have scored a bullseye. Trust me, they’re laughing behind your back at what a mug you are. You should hint that you’ve realised you’re skint so no more takeaways, or gifts of money (as loans are repaid). If they act surprised, look shocked and as annoyed as you damned well should be

Good luck

I felt this. Also in the way OP said she would never allow the partner and her kids to meet. Are you keeping the relationship a secret from your “other” life? Are you worried that she might “out” you to family/friends/work? I’m definitely getting a whiff of internalised homophobia here.

This is actually such a good idea

No, it's not. It's weak and it pointless because the OP is so desperate to be in a relationship, there is no way she wouldn't cave on the first day. Or if the user told her not to do it.
You should not have to 'buy' someones love. Or company OP. And never to the detriment of your children.

It's not 'complex'. It's a choice. You are willing to be used by people who do not love you. Your partner is an active player in you being trampled on and being nothing more than a source of funds.

Have you thought about the effect on your children? I know you've said they haven't met but this kind of passiveness doesn't just switch on and off depending on the company. Maybe they should meet her and her family/friends so they can understand who is actually no. 1 in your life

You need to work on yourself so you can be the mother your children deserve and the one that you know you are deep down. Stop making excuses for your ridiculous actions and realise that you and your children deserve far more than this.

Oh OP you've been "Cuckoo'd"

Yep, he’s using you. I would sit him down and talk about it. If you turns it round on you and blames you then I’d leave. You can’t live like this. It’s not fair on you. I know how hard it can be to speak up sometimes but it’s got to be done. The takeaway situation bothered me too.

You are in an abusive relationship. You're just not seeing it.

You need to end this relationship asap. It will never feel like it's the right time. You are not responsible for them.

OP sees it but is reluctant to act on it being confrontation averse, having a bit of a saviour complex with her poor traumatised gf, as well as a fear of losing face.

youre being used, walked over, and treated like an idiot. Stand up and end this relationship as she really doesn’t give two fucks about you… just your money.

For the love of God … get rid of all of them . They are all taking the piss abd you are enabling it .

Tell them you're not.

This is a problem of your own making, but one you can solve instantly by sitting your partner down, explaining your circumstances and letting them know that the ATM is closed.

This will only be an issue if your partner is only with you for a free ride, in which case you'll be getting a lucky escape.

Different financial circumstances in friendships/relationships can be tricky, but it doesn't have to be. In my friendship group there are people in wildly different financial circumstances. If someone is skint, we'll go round to their's for tea and a biscuit. If someone more comfortable is hosting, they'll get a takeaway/booze in for everyone. Nobody minds, everybody understands. The point is that nobody in our group takes the piss by expecting a free ride, which is what these people are doing with you.

They might not even be doing it maliciously if they're somehow under the impression that money is no object to you. But they won't stop until you tell them otherwise.

@Tiredbut How would you feel if this were one of your children? Would you want them to continue a financially abusive toxic and gaslighting relationship? What advice would you give them? If you wouldn’t want it for your children then why do you accept it for yourself? You deserve better. That £10k you’ve spent in the past 6 months could have been a full year of support for a child at university. Or driving lessons and a small car. Get rid of your horrible girlfriend (she’s NOT a partner) and spend the money on therapy instead.

Whether or not their is “scope” for improving finances, I couldn’t be with someone who happily exploits another person. Dump, from a great height.

A love bomber assumes they are a decent partner operating in good faith. Your partner isn't this. You don't need to stay with someone who takes advantage and makes you miserable. I understand a lot of the spending is initiated by you, but still. There isn't gratitude or reciprocation in any way. This relationship is one sided.

Sorry but you are being taken for a mug.

You need to put a stop to it immediately. Paying for food for your partner is reasonable if you’re happy to do it, but stop the clothes, presents etc. Definitely stop all the subsidising of his family and friends. If he objects, you'll have proof, sadly, of why he wants to be with you.

Stop the luxuries and stop paying for everything else. If you don't think they're freeloading then you've nothing to worry about. Cutting off the supply won't make a difference.

Of course OP, you know exactly what will happen if you do that. This person is using you. When the money runs out - so will they.

Please end this ❤

They’re ND and only recently diagnosed privately through me at my cost
Of course you paid. No surprise there

I would also feel like a love bomber as they’d be blindsided by me ending it
You're working hard to justify not ending this.

given the life they have with me
6 months is barely a relationship, never mind a life.

She is definitely freeloading. Healthy relationships are reciprocal. You don’t have to end it if you don’t want to, but you do need to pullback how much you’re spending on this person.

You poor woman. She's a grifter and you are in the grip of financial abuse.
6 months? You don't know her from adam.

Please stop putting her financial exploitation ahead of your financial security.
This puts your children at risk.

End it now. You owe her nothing.
Sad thread.