I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

No she's not. But she does need to stop buying things for people that she can't afford

If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

Even she's telling you you're a mug. It's right there OP.

If you keep giving she'll keep taking. She won't refuse your generosity and she'll never step up and start paying her way.

Nothing particular to add, but I genuinely read this thread as, "I've become a human at the moment" and thought it was an AMA thread for some reason...

OP I can only tell you that I'm financially stable and am a generous person who gives more than most, but I wouldn't dream of buying takeouts and wine for four. It's all wrong. If they can't afford takeouts (as I couldn't, for many years) then they should make another plan for dinner. It's awful that they think someone else - you - will provide. It bothers me that you think you are only entitled to say no because you're running out of money. Say no anyway!

Are you really taking comments on board? If so you will say I'm sorry I have no money left and you cant bring people here, I cant feed them. I'm having a no spend month starting now.

You need to get this leech out of your life now.

I've been in that situation where I've been the one to automatically pay as everyone expects it. Having kids put a stop to that. No one is going to get money off me that should be going to my kids. I should add this isn't in a stingey way - I pay my own way and am generous with gifts, but can't be letting anyone freeload of me any more. It feels like irresponsible parenting.

You seem to have a self esteem issue and it’s clear that you buy people’s care/time

it will never end. You know you’re being exploited
get some boundaries and tell your partner to leave

You can say to the friends: Sorry guys I know you are used to me paying for everything, but I’ve run out of money and have to stop. You’re still welcome to come round but I’ll only be offering tea and biscuits from now on.
And something similar to DP.
The clearer you are the easier it will be. Don’t try to be tactful, just factual.

Every single thing about your relationship sounds awful and abusive. You must be walking on egg shells the whole time. She doesn't seem to have any good points at all. She is spending all your money and is absolutely horrible to you. Staying in the relationship isn't going to change anything for the better. You will get poorer and poorer until you can't afford to buy the things you need for your children.

You need to seek advice from a domestic abuse charity and end the relationship, for the sake of your children if not for your own sake.

You say you can't afford to pay for these things going forwards, and stop paying and buying things for your partner. It's an incredibly in unhealthy dynamic. You are buying a boyfriend.

You are 100% being taken for a ride as my dm would say. You need to end this relationship for your own good.

Just have a chat with her where you tell her you have realised that your spending is irresponsible and that you need to work on it. Say you plan to try and live on a budget and save every month.
You could use something like a Monzo account which allows you to set up different funds within the account for things like holidays, Christmas, general savings. You could have a socializing budget and a food shop budget and once it has all gone, you live on what is already in house. Ask her to help you stick to it.

Please don’t do this to yourself. It has only been 6 months, you deserve so much better! Everyone deserves a partner who genuinely cares about them and treats them with respect. Don’t sell yourself short, put your foot down with regards money and see if she will start contributing, if not please show her the door! Listen to Teddy swims, “The door”! Good luck!

You are being used. You know you are being used. Don’t allow this to continue. Say the money has run out and they’ll move on. Think about the future of your children rather than this freeloader.

This. The only way to a better life is to remove the bad things.

I agree.

When I was in my early 30’s I had a boyfriend. He owned his own house, I rented a room with housemates. I felt like every single time we went out together I was the one who was paying.

I brought it up once and he got shitty and he told me that he wasn’t on as much money as I thought he was. I apologised profusely and never bought it up again.

I later found out he was on double my income!! After we broke up I found I had so much extra money!! It was so noticeable. I would get to just before pay day (which was fort-nightly) and have hundreds of dollars left over. Usually I was in arrears. I was putting money on my credit card and accruing debt while I was with him.

I realised he was a user. He was always out for what he could get. I paid off my credit card and started dating someone else.

What I can’t understand is why you are choosing to spend money on this user instead of putting money away for your kids? I’m really struggling to understand that.

I have a child now and I would never finance a man. As it is my partner financially provides for the entire house. I couldn’t fathom being with a man who doesn’t provide - especially in this economy.

I don't think there is potential. Not at all. 1.) They won't sort out their finances. 2) If they were the kind of person who could or would, they would be far more appreciative and careful of you and how much money you are spending. DH and i had very different financial situations when we met. I went to so much trouble to ensure I made as many contributions as I could, despite not earning half of what he earned at the time.

Try this: tell them you have no money right now and are skint until the end of the month. See how friendly they all are then.

Seriously, practice saying in a mirror, 'I can't pay this time. I can't afford it. Or, 'it's not my turn to pay. I don't have enough money to sub you all.' Or, 'I wish I could afford to treat you all again, but I can't.'

Say them again and again, into a mirror, until you totally accept it is the truth and feel comfortable saying it aloud.

Don't expect this to be easy. Just because you find it excruciatingly difficult to do this and never have before, doesn't mean you can't do it. You can, and you really have to, for the sake of your own financial situation, and also because you deserve friends and partners who don't financially abuse you. Being ND means you may need more practice, because it can be extra-hard to navigate the social expectations of others. But extra-hard is not impossible. And you really deserve a partner and friends who are just as happy hanging out with you over a glass of tap water, if that's all everyone can afford.

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

Ofcourse they are. Sorry you need to wake up. Go back and read your posts on this thread. Shes a total freeloader and is now encouraging friends to do the same

If youre so sure they're neither materialistic or freeloading tell them the cash is gone, dont pay for anything at all and see how long she hangs around

Without wanting to sound cruel its your money shes after

Op has said in numerous posts its a female partner

Wow please get out of this “relationship”. Tell her you need to focus on your kids for now if you need an excuse - say they are having issues and you need to be there for them. This woman is a user. I’d never dream of acting like this with any partner. That and the temper and sulking as well - no way. Why would you want a relationship where there’s never a chance of the other person meeting your kids because of how that person is? That’s not got a future surely? Find a nice kind person who doesn’t take the piss out of you and don’t take a new partner on holiday or for meals out - 50/50 only.

Your "girlfriend" is a manipulative prostitute, to put it bluntly.

On a very practical level I would start keeping something like a couple of packs of pasta and jars of pasta bake sauce in a cupboard at home.

If people turn up unexpectedly then you can say “I’m having pasta bake for dinner, would you like to join me?” That’s then their choice. If they start talking about takeout you can say “I’m not having takeout tonight but you can get something for yourself delivered here if you would like”.

Its totally fine to say “I can’t afford to pay for anyone else’s holiday”, that’s a completely normal thing.

I haven't read all the replies but like everyone else can see that she is using you. Have you spoke to your therapist about this specifically? I think they would suggest the same thing.

ThI’m s.

They know exactly what they are doing.

This is not a good or healthy relationship. You should end it.