I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

OP, has she said she’s not materialistic? that she despises materialism and the bourgeois lifestyle, or anything like that?

Because her behaviour is materialistic, and her freeloading friends are materialistic, and she brings them to leech off you materialistically. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck, you know it’s a duck…

She and her gang are classic exploitative freeloaders, who would drop you like a piece of shit if you had no money. She sounds nasty in other ways too.

I hope you find the confidence to tell her this isn’t working for you. Or start by taking @BestZebbie ‘s advice! Do it for your DC if not for yourself.

Separate this into strands and deal with them individually.
Current financial position, you say you have prioritised spending over bills. Are you up to date with rent or mortgage? If not that comes first, then debts to utility companies, then credit cards and consumer debt.
Ongoing spending needs to be controlled enough that it doesn’t become a major stressor. I love the suggestion of a gratitude month which I would follow up with a ‘decision’ to keep a reduced level of spend. Occasional treats are appreciated more. Take back control of what is spent, no one but you can use Amazon, Uber, Deliveroo etc. Change passwords if needs be. Healthy home cooked meals without fancy ingredients. Announce that you are doing no more holidays this year.
Obviously you will ask your dp to join you in this. Hopefully she will hate the idea and back off.
You should manage to save from all of this, spend some of it on therapy, enjoy the feeling of being more in control. Hopefully this will all contribute to her hangers on melting away.

But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

Yes, but you're not seeing this person clearly at all. She has no conscience about how she treats you and encourages her friends to exploit you. You're wondering why she doesn't behave like a decent person. Because she isn't one.

You are being taken for a mug - walk away from these spongers.

Oh come on op... you need to end this ridiculous, toxic relationship!

You have no self respect and are setting a terrible example to your kids

The more I read this, the worse it gets! You need to get out of this "relationship" now for your own sanity and safety. I've watched friends be taken advantage of in this way and it is so upsetting.
Get out whilst you can before it is too late.

I’ve come into this thread late, but seriously I could have pushed the ‘agree’ button to probably all of your replies! Please take note and make immediate changes.

Undeniably are being used, taken advantage of.
You are unappreciated by these takers, I’m sorry if this is harsh but you are the architect of your own situation.
‘No’ is a complete sentence.
If you cannot see that you continuing to give is going to cause you dire financial worries it’s very hard to advise.
Again….no is a complete sentence.

Jesus OP. Come on. Volatile and they’re ripping you off and taking you for an utter fool, and you claim you can’t end it? Why on earth would you have this person in your life? Log their volatility with the police, speak to women’s aid, get them the fuck out of your children’s home.

And I refuse to believe it isn’t impacting your children indirectly. You have no money left because of this using cunt.

You need to be prepared for when you feel put on the spot.

When someone says they are hungry etc you say “I don’t have much in, please feel free to order something”, “xxx deliver here if you fancy that”. You can say, “I’m not feeling like I need to eat right now, but please order for yourselves” when someone else starts ordering, you can say “actually, I might have xxx, what do I owe you for that” then you are only paying your share.

If you go out for food, when you ask for the bill say “how many cards are we splitting this on” or “is anyone paying cash or are we all paying by card?”

Don’t stock up on supplies for them, shop for a few days at a time for now and hide away your wine. When they want to come over say “oh I don’t have any xxx here, could you pick some up on your way, thanks so much”

Do some role plays in the mirror if you don’t have anyone you can actually practice with. Build your confidence to do this and you will be able to start actually doing it. After the first time, you’ll feel so proud and it will get so much easier each time.

Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve done the hard part by acknowledging this and admitting that you’re finding it hard. Now focus on building yourself up, you can do it.

I’m sorry you are being taken advantage of x

What do you mean "It’s not currently an option to end the relationship. " ??
Why not?

Ooohhhh, I had one like this. For 6 bloody years!!!!!!!!!!

I got iinto hiding things like nice cereal because when he came to the house, he stripped it bare. I felt awful about this, a proper mean old cow.

A few months into the relationship, he insisted on going to a restaurant for a meal. It was all going to be on him, so I let myself get talked into it as I could never afford to eat out.

When the bill came, he just waited for me to pay it.

Like you, I would hack myself to pieces rather than confront someone, but I really felt something needed to be said so I spoke to him (carefully!) about it when we got home. He went off into a sulking rage, saying "You think I'm a worthless piece of shit" and somehow the whole "conversation" from then on was all about me trying to reassure him that I didn't think he was a bad person. (Childhood damage, etc etc)

He once gave me a bunch of flowers, but with the words "You won't believe what I spent on these."

Let me tell you, you can't fix this sort of chip on the shoulder. It just gets worse. They will always see you have "more than them" and therefore expect you to cascade wealth down to them, even though you don't have any.

He actually had more disposable income than I did, but I had a place of my own (with a mortgage I struggled to afford) so obviously was a rich bitch.

In one argument, I remember him saying "I think you'll find you worry a lot more about money than I do" - like I was some kind of greedy tight-arse, when the reverse was true.

You can't win this game OP. Don't let it go on because every time they shit all over you, your own sel-esteem shrivels. It's no way to live. And not everyone is a selfish twat. Go out and find someone kind.

I’ve voted YABU because you can stop spending money on them. What you are spending is ridiculous. And if your partner and her hangers-on don’t like it then you end it.

In all honesty, it's way too much drama and too much generosity for a 6 month relationship. 10k plus holidays in 6 months? She saw you coming a mile away!

One of the most empowering things I did was to decline an invitation from friends and say, really sorry, but money is tight at the moment. That seemed to open the door for friends to express the same. Everyone has been tight on funds at some point and totally understands. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Next time she arrives with a posse expecting food and alcohol say great, but it will have to be on you guys this time. If they press say you've had a quiet week with work and need what funds you do have for bills and the kids. You'll quickly see what happens and I don't think she will step up.

This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship, definitely not just your spending you need to address but your relationship and their social group.

@Tiredbut, you mentioned upthread that you’ll start out strong but ‘they’ll hint & you’ll cave’. You can prepare for this, as others have said. Understand why you cave, and find strategies to stay firm in the face of the hints. Be determined not to spend that money. It’s yours! They are not entitled to expect you to pay for them. You’re not being tight/mean/unfriendly - they are, expecting you to pay for them when they never reciprocate!
And don’t fall for the ‘ok, we’ll get the next one if you get this one’ trick - no, it’s multiply definitely their turn! Good luck

OP have you posted about this relationship before? Only I seem to remember a very similar post, and believe a lot of people told you to get rid of this woman then.

I suggest you stop spending money on her, her mates, family, etc. and tell her that you have bills to pay, and need to save in order to pay for therapy to help YOU deal with some things. If she asks what things, then just say, it's personal, I don't want to talk about it, that's why I need therapy. If you don't feel you can cope with saying that to her, perhaps you could tell her that you need to pay for the kids to have therapy after the marriage break up. Either way, book a good therapist, and get them to help you get to the bottom of why you are so scared of standing up for yourself, and all the other anxieties that you have, as you can't continue to go through life like this.

You really DO need to get rid of this woman though, she definitely IS a FREELOADER, in spite of what you're telling yourself, and is encouraging her mates to fleece you for what they can get too. Tell her that you don't want anyone coming to the house anymore, as you're struggling to cope. You don't have to tell her what you're struggling to cope with. Just try withdrawing from her a bit, if she wants to go out, let her, but don't take her or pick her up. If she doesn't like it, tough. Stop running around after her, she's not one of your kids, and it sounds like you've been treating her like some stroppy teenager, rather than a partner.

Does she work, or is there some ready excuse for why she can't? Where does she live when she's not living at yours, and who pays for her then?

Above all, stop putting up with her temper tantrums!! You don't need to live like this, she is abusing you, we wouldn't expect you to put up with this from a man, and you shouldn't put up with it from a woman either. As a matter of interest, is this your first relationship with a woman? Sorry for so many questions, but I'm sure we'd all like to help, as you do sound incredibly out of your depth.

can you name one good thing you are getting from this relationship

I’m finding this v hard to believe unless there are some serious learning difficulties at play. The dog on the street can see he is using you and now thinks you are so stupid/desperate that he’s rolled in his friends and family to join in knowing you will happily oblige .. like paying for their holidays .. wtf am I reading. You have paid for two of his in 6 months .. are you seriously that desperate for a man you would pay for one as that’s what you are doing .. make no bones about it. I actually can’t read your updates as it gets worse and worse. You won’t have to leave him don’t worry .. he will when he has drained every last cent out of you and you are heavily in debt and can get more .. then he will move on to the next mug and if this site is anything to go by there will be another willing sucker lining up to pay for his lifestyle and his granny friends .. although have to say even they would balk at the friends and family. I despair 😩

This is a financially abusive and exploitative relationship. The only sensible thing to do is to end it.

This relationship will ruin you. You need to get out.

Easiest way to stay firm is not to see them any more. Sorted!

Is there a big age gap between you two OP, with you being the oldest?

Get rid of them!!! Your bills and kids come first.

OP - I’ve just read your other threads and you seriously have a self esteem issue as you just let people walk all over you

You posted that your ex doesn’t give you enough financially and yet the little you get, you’re spunking on fsnny freeloader and her band of hangers on

At dkne you t you need to find your anger a x stop going through life letting people mug you off. You’ll end up losing b your home if this carries on and Ill tell you now, cashpoint Annie will be gone faster than you can blink once the money pot is empty.

Are you really that desperate to have any random scrounger in your bed that you let yourself be treated like this?

You say you only split with your kids dad last year - I would say you are nowhere near ready for a relationship and you need to spend time being single and work g on yourself before you even think about meeting anyone else

Lesbian sex is good enough to overlook asset stripping