I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

Op - is this your/her first same-sex relationship? I’m wondering why there’s such a power imbalance between you. I hope you manage to find your voice and get rid of her. She’s sounds bad news all round.

I'm trying to work out if your partner is "taking" or having things thrown at her? Professional grazing table? That's something I can only imagine at a proper party like a Christening or when everyone chips in like a hen do. I'm wondering if you are trying to appear very wealthy and impress people? 9 bottles of wine?!

Does your partner believe you are very wealthy?

You are living week to week and missing bills ! If people visit you should put the kettle on and if you're feeling generous open a packet of biscuits.

Why don't you tell your partner the truth - that you are skint, missing bills and need to stop spending? That doesn't mean breaking up unless they only liked your money.

You're skint, their skint - just go for walks with some sandwiches, or watch tv with a supermarket pizza. Get your partner to pay her share. But I wonder if you like the finer things OP and are not willing to?

You have said that your partners finances could be sorted. I'm guessing you mean that she could get a job now she has a better understanding of herself. She is not going to be able to get to grips with her finances if you both want a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget is she? You are doing neither her nor yourself any favours.

I'm getting the impression that your lavish spending pre-dates this relationship?

Could you tell her that you're having some financial problems, and ask for her help working out a budget? Hopefully the penny would drop.

Others have said it perfectly. You are in a situation that needs to end. The big red flag is that you don't feel able to rein in your spending and feel that you couldn't break up with them even if you wanted to.

It sounds like you've been working really well on your spending and finances in other areas - well done! - so I would try to reframe it, for yourself and for her, as you being more financially responsible.

Hold the boundary on finances - set a treat budget for yourself and her, ensuring there's money for bills and kids (which may mean a small treat budget at first! You'll both love). Be open about what that was and when it's gone, it's gone. If she kicks off, she can kick off. She won't be emotionally traumatised because you can't buy her friends a takeaway. Offer emotional support but not financial. How she responds to that will tell you a lot about her.

Yes she should. There never should be the expectation that you pay for everybody - including her.
Please listen to me and stop trying to rationalise her behaviour. DUMP HER.
ring a true friend and tell them everything and ask them to help you get rid of her from your life.
You will end up with nothing.
I'm worried that your continual posts where you muse over her behaviour indicate that you may stay with this abuse. You need to find your anger.

And how exactly is that your fault, or your problem?

You've tried desperately to come across as richer than you are by the sound of it.

Yes, she's a freeloader but why did you feel the need to splash £10k on her in the first place?

So she would make out you engineered the situation to make her feel bad?

OP do you love this person, or just feel in some way beholden and protective? She is not really coming across as mature enough to be in an adult relationship

Stop going out to restaurants, stop ordering takeaways, don’t order and wait for everyone to pay their share as they are not going to, you’ll get embarrassed and pay so just don’t put yourself in that situation. Tell her you are skint and struggling to pay bills so you need to change your spending and lifestyle. No holidays, weekends away. No expensive food shopping.
This isn’t enough though, you need to end the relationship, you don’t owe her anything, you can’t make her past better by spending money on her. You will get yourself into serious debt. Come clean now to her and say you can’t afford this lifestyle. As she’s defensive, don’t put anything on her, make it about you; you can’t keep spending on food, takeaways, hotels etc. So you are cutting down.

OP as a pp said, she is not rude, she is abusive. She is doing this on purpose not by accident, it is calculated behaviour.

YABU for not standing.up.for.youself.

YABU for dating them instead of me. I promise not to bring any extra moochers to the table - just good ol' me 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Tell them you have no money. Just be honest. That will resolve the situation. Your "d"p will be off. She has no intentions of getting a job lol

This is a brilliant idea!

But can't you just say you haven't got any money.

Get your money and put it into an account you can't easily access- bond or something.

Then you haven't actually got any money to spend in them and it doesn't matter what emotional blackmail they use.

Or out it into an ISA for your kid.

Put a small amount away so you don't waste it on them of you feel like you can't trust yourself.

10K!!!!!!!!

OP, you say it's not currently an option to end the relationship, but I promise you your partner will scarper faster than you can say "freeloading user" the moment you stop the cash flow.

Edited to add: you're literally taking money out of your kids mouths to spend on a person you've been together with for 6 months. Have a good hard think about that.

Are all lesbians this volatile? Sorry, I know that sounds a bit rude, but I've read about similar situations on MN so many times now. (Not that the men people post about are much better...)

I think you have low self esteem to let people treat you like this. Why not try therapy to try to unravel why you’re not able to put boundaries in place in this relationship at the detriment of your own children?

She moved in too quickly, can you tell her you don't want her staying at yours anymore. I think it's a great idea to go for a no spend year starting in August, when she and friends turn up say, 'whose turn is it to get the takeaway? There's some orange juice in the fridge if you want wine there's a Tesco express down the road '
Just make it very clear you are not paying for anything, see how long she sticks around.

I’m sorry but this is absolutely crazy behaviour and hopefully you can see it. Do you spend a lot on your children? If you do I would advise you break that habit before it’s too late, not always using money to show you care.

I noticed that since I’ve worked full time we’ve had more takeaways, more trips to Greggs, more likely to pop an item in the trolley for them at Tesco so I’m trying to reign that in. It isn’t good to get into frivolous habits and the treats aren’t treats, they become meaningless.

Why the fuck are you with this parasite?

Why do they and their family have no money do they not work? I’ve had periods where I have been out of work and have told my friends I’m broke, I don't expect anyone to buy me drinks but I can only afford my own. I would never in a million years rock up to someones house and expect them to pay all the time, let alone with four other people! They are taking the piss and taking you for a ride.

Ha! A Jamaican queen by the looks of it 😅

Guys in all seriousness I am taking on board your comments. I’m going to reframe my own way of spending and in turn what I’m willing to spend on others. Huge Thank you to you all! I have a lot to process

If you’re dating the woman I work with, she knows she’s freeloading, is proud of it, and is trying to persuade her mates to join in as you’ll fund it all to keep her because you’re all in.

I hope you’re not all in.

Get shot before she starts asking for a card for your account so she can pick up stuff on the way to yours, plus anything else she needs… or wants.