I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

How did you meet, OP? How entangled in your life is your partner?

You know she's not going to make you happy. You just wish that wasn't true, and it makes you feel guilty to prioritise your own feelings. It's not about the money, but in a practical level, of course it matters a great deal. I would discuss with her all the behaviours that are not acceptable to you. If she refuses to accept anything and does not seek to improve, you're absolutely entitled to end it. It's not blindsiding her, it's reality, and you won't be the first. Also, change the locks...

6 months.

£10k not including holidays.

Paying for a ND assessment.

Already issues that she makes "last for weeks".

It is ALWAYS an option to end the relationship. You need to do so now and if you have £10k spare over the next 6 months, spend some on a good therapist to work out why you have allowed this to happen.

Sorry, OP, but you are truly, royally, being taken for a mug.

I suspect it will be painful to stop it - partner won’t be seen for dust - but anyone like that absolutely isn’t worth hanging on to.

Op are you taking the piss?! You are clearly being taken for a massive ride and you seem to want to be blind to this. Surely it's better to be alone than in a situation like this.

I feel like I have read a similar thread to this a few months ago, partner refuses to work, lives with family until OPs kids are with their Dad, is emotionally manipulating and incredibly lazy… OP didn’t want to end the relationship until after an August holiday.

If this is the same person, the only person who can make a change is you OP, all the advice in the world won’t help until you decide enough is enough. And that should be today!

If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t

There
They/She has given you Permission to stop . As you cannot find it in yourself to cut this freeloader off ( what is the female equivalent of a CockLodger ?) has said to you "Don't Do It" (ok they said it in spite , but take it ! )

You are paying for their time . Not a healthy relationship and exploitative in both directions .
They are taking money/gifts for their company
You are paying .

You really do not need this person in your life .

OP the first thing is that this sounds like it may be a coercive and controlling relationship. People can manipulate without violence.

I suggest Women's Aid may be useful.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

And going forward, once you've got your finances sorted, I suggest you budget for a therapist to look into why you have such low self esteem. You can learn to be more assertive.

This person is conning you. Their behaviour is completely manipulative.

Wake up. The stories sound like total rubbish.

You're tying yourself up in knots thinking about the feelings of people that just see you as a resource to exploit. Who cares what they think or how they feel?

Change the locks and block them all.

You are a victim of financial abuse.

This person and all their hangers-on have smelled a source of money.

Imagine a flock of vultures scenting a carcase. They will flap around peck peck peck until it's picked clean - then off they'll go in search of the next one.

Or imagine a nest of vampires smelling blood. Suck, suck, suck.

As soon as you are broke, they will vanish.

And as a person with a disability you are suffering additional abuse. They sense that you are vulnerable, that you don't have the personal resources to cope with abusers.

The perfect victim - cash + vulnerability.

I hope these will help:

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-need-ongoing-support/

Meanwhile - change those locks, write that email setting out the situation (we'll help you) and take control over your future.

Cut back on the amount you see your gf, have your meals before you meet them. Tell them you've eaten so you're not getting food in and you're off drink for a month or two. I'd say they will go off you unfortunately. This does not sound like a relationship, they are leeching off you and still owe 15k to an ex.

Ignore the hints, you don't have the money to spend. Who is going to pay your bills when you've been fleeced by your gf? If they cared about you they wouldn't be spending all your money.

Think of how nice an equal relationship might be and stop seeing this person. If you're afraid of their reaction, that is not a loving relationship.

With regards to your family I would send the folllwing whatsapp

Hi all - sorry for the group message. I’ve been doing my accounts (freelance life involves a lot of that!) and I regret to say that the good times may not be over, but I definitely need to tighten my belt a bit. It has been my pleasure to treat you all for meals out, takeaways etc in recent months but as I look through my spending I can see I’ve let my love of spoiling people get the better of me. If anyone fancies returning the favour let me know! No, just joking. But all meals out / takeaways will be split in the ordinary way from now on. Have a great weekend x

I think in a relationship like this, it's easy to feel responsible for the DP's welfare, particularly making them feel "cared for" which can easily get set into a pattern of taking care of them financially.

Some people are just a bottomless pit, like a black hole in space, you can go on forever feeding into their chasm of need and it will never, ever be enough.

You can get hooked on trying to help repair what you perceive as damage from neglect/deprivation, but it doesn't work. All that happens is that you exhaust yourself completely, financially and emotionally. These people are very good at playing the victim card, and by continuing the relationship you are just helping to reinforce this dysfunctional approach to life.

Now married to someone who had the most deprived/neglected childhood imaginable, but does he use that as a ticket to freeloading? No. Not everyone is stupid and selfish. Some people are resilient and generous.

The interesting thing is why we let ourselves be trapped into one-way giving giving giving relationships, and the answer is: because at some level, no one has ever done that for us, and we desperately crave it so try to do it for someone else. But you must learn to do it for yourself, OP. Taking care of #1 (and your children!) is your primary responsibility in life. Never too late to start. And don't be guilt-tripped into thinking you are a bad person for neglecting your parasite. A loving relationship does not involve the exploitation you describe.

You mention worrying that you will feel you've "love-bombed" her if you now blow colder instead of hot. No, you haven't love-bombed anyone - you have made a huge effort to make the relationship work, with someone wired up to make life as difficult as possible (and not just financially). Her tactics will be abusive: "How dare you do B when you used to do A" - but this is nonsense. It's perfectly normal for feelings to change in a relationship and enthusiam to wane. If you feel you have to "excuse" your way out of this one: You're too expensive to run. I have to walk on tiptoes around your volatile emotions. Life is too short to share with someone who keeps bringing you down.

Factual not tactful - this

OP this is super simple. This person is not a good partner. She is not a good person to be around. You need to end it.

Please stop paying for everything.
Be honest with your DP and say 'my circumstances have changed and I can't afford XYZ at the moment'.
Prioritise your bills for now.
If your DP ends the relationship then they are shallow and its clear they are using you for cash and nothing else.
x

Of course, your partner and friends are very unreasonable to exploit you to this extent, but unfortunately, you are (a bit) unreasonable too, as you went along with it. I think it's a huge and excellent step for you to have posted here, to work towards a solution!

You said in your opening post you were in therapy to work on your spending etc. I think the first thing to explore with your therapist is how to say no/not immediately jump in with cash and treats in situations like this.

Wishing you loads of luck and strength

You know that you can't fix her, right? People pleasing and appeasement can be so ingrained when you're Nd, due to your own past traumas of wanting to be liked and loved in a world that you don't understand and doesn't understand you.

She knows your vulnerabilities and she's using them. She knows that you'll back down as you struggle with confrontation. She knows exactly how to manipulate you into doing what she wants and will guilt trip you until you cave in, making you think that you're the one in the wrong.

You need to end this. You can do it. Do it by text and make sure your house is fully secure. Change the locks if she has a key. If she turns up and is aggressive or threatening, you can call the police. It's not wasting their time and it's not overreacting or being unreasonable.

End it and give yourself a more peaceful and happier life. You owe her nothing.

I'm guessing that she's a lot younger than you? She sounds unable to regulate her emotions.
Do not send her and her family any craven, apologetic and cringeworthy messages. They're exploiting you financially.
You're going to have to get help and advice about why you have entered into such a relationship.
I think you need to end it, and learn how to change for the future.

No, the OP doesn’t need to ‘use her words’ - she needs to speak plainly! In plain English!

This is so tangled I don’t know where to start. The family and friends issues are the least of your problems

The relationship is so dysfunctional and unhealthy that you need to end the relationship and get counselling so that your next relationship is based on respect, equality and trust - non of which are present in this one.

None of her behaviour is ok, and it isn’t ok that you can’t say that you can’t afford to keep doing this and even if you could it isn’t right.

Please, please have some counselling. On your own so that you can finish this one and have a respectful, healthy, future relationship

You are buying affection. People who do this get exploited by people like your partner. It is up to you to decide if you think the short term fun/companionship is worth the long term financial difficulties.

So you say they're not materialistic but they're " bigging themselves up on your dollar"
If you don't get mad on your own behalf then get angry on behalf of your kids.

Perhaps that anger will give you the impetus to ditch this freeloader.

Next time partner turns up with friends, just offer a cup of tea and a biscuit. I anyone says 'How about a takeaway?' just say 'How kind of you to offer. Mine's a curry'. Then dump the lot of them and certainly don't pay for other people's holidays. Promise yourself that you wont be taken for a mug ever again like I was

Exactly! Plain and direct.