I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

I think you sound so kind and thoughtful and you’ve got yourself in a muddle. Do some good organising so you don’t need take aways or food shops when she’s there and instead menu plan and explain that you are trying to get a grip on your spending as it was spiralling and you want to be back to normal by the end of the year. I personally think her reaction will tell you all you need to know. I suspect she will try hard to get you to pay for things (most likely by inviting hungry people to your house so you feel pressured into paying). You are going to need to steel yourself for those moments. You could stop your access to your cards if you need to and just use cash for a month or two. I know if it was me I would have to let it play out, but there is an alternative. You could just end the relationship. You could just not see her when the kids are away for a couple of weeks.

I’ve been in a financially unequal relationship and it was nothing like you describe. This is about how she is and it doesn’t make you stronger.

You are being taken advantage of. This is not normal or acceptable. End this immediately.

The OP hasn't said it's a man

This sounds like financial abuse/cuckooing honestly OP. They move in with you, bring all their family and friends round, and order each other food, drink, things off amazon, and are now planning for you to pay for their friends’ holidays??

There is nothing you can say to make them pay their own way, because the only thing they are interested in is bleeding you dry I’m afraid. They won’t stop just because you can’t afford it. Once they have spent all your money they’ll be gone.

Get rid now, and see if you can get some counselling to prevent this from happening again.

You are allowing yourself to be used.

Yep I’m afraid I have only seen this dynamic (the family and friends aspect) in lesbian relationships! Not to say it doesn’t happen in straight relationships too, but abuse does often look different in same sex relationships.

I am ND and also have a bad history with money, which I'm slowly fixing. I have found therapy enormously helpful in addressing guilt, shame and avoidance. It sounds as though you do have disposal income - would you consider looking for a therapist specifically to help you navigate this tricky situation?

The amount of money you say you have spent on this person is eye-watering. This could be money for your children or (even more importantly) for your future; it could support early retirement, a career break to prevent burnout, etc.

I'm with other posters that this person is using you; someone who is 'reluctant' to accept you paying for things is not someone who brings multiple friends round to get hammered on delicious food and excellent wine at your expense. If you are feeling anxious about leaving the relationship, a good therapist could be extremely helpful before, during and after.

I agree with the previous poster who suggested announcing that you're having a 'financial reset' over a period of time (six months could be good!) and cutting down all discretionary spending. I wish you luck and strength in cutting out this unpleasantness from your life.

Stop all spending on them and you will really see if they genuinely like you. From what you have posted, we can only see that this person doesn't care for you and is exploiting you.

You can talk till you're blue in the face with someone like that and on a good day they might pretend to understand, but then forget all about it. Usually, it just escalates into a nasty argument and (if you are as conflict-phobic as me and the OP) you spend the next 15 million years trying to make it up to them because you are worried that you have damaged their fragile equilibrium and you long to "fix" them from hurts instead of adding to them. (I know, it's all fucked up, but that's how it feels...!)

The only way to stop it is to dump them, I'm afraid. I say this as the mug who tried desperately to make things work in this situtation - for YEARS!!!!!!!

I disagree with PPs saying that your DP and her gang are laughing up their sleeves at you. They're not aware of doing anything wrong, they just feel naturally entitled, the way a tapeworm must feel when it attaches itself.

This is it, summed up perfectly.

OP, it's time to get angry. How DARE they treat you like this??!

It's way over-due time for a conversation with your partner. And if it ends, then that tells you everything you need to know.

Just send a text :

"Hi DP. That was a night impromptu night on Tuesday! I'm just doing my accounts for the week, and can see that the take-away for all of us, and the 6 bottles of wine came to £130, so it works out at £21 a head. Please can you send everyone my sort code and account no, and they can transfer me their share. Sort code 55-20-40, acc no 25697512.
It was a nice night! See you tomorrow xxx"

A great one with folk like this, is to get them to put stuff on their card and you send your half. Maybe try that.

You say they don't know what they are doing? OF COURSE they do. Don't be naive.

Right download chat gpt its amazing for being my therapist im adhd.

Also ive been you and my ex bf was like this with me.

Look at it this way your partner is benefiting yet your children will be struggling because your spending it on them. End it and find a new partner who has a good job car own home etc nothing less

It's not currently an option to end the relationship.

Of course it is. You asked for advice and everyone here is telling you the same thing, but you don’t want to hear it so you’ve persuaded yourself it’s impossible.

If you really can’t end it yourself, just tell her you’ve run out of money and won’t be paying for anything else, and see how long she and her friends stick around.

If you want an incentive, look at it this way: your money could either be spent on her and her friends, or it could be put into savings for your children's future (support to go to university, expensive dream family holidays, help with buying their first property etc.). Which will you choose?

What do you mean - it’s not currently an option to end the relationship? That doesn’t sound healthy.

Okay, here is what I think you should do. You need to dig deep and set yourself a budget. You can do this. Think of it as a challenge and set that budget into a different bank account and that is what you spend from.

You have to tell your partner that you don’t have much money and that you’re living on a budget and stop spending!!!

Make up a trip for two weeks immediately after the kids are with you so there’s a reason why you are not home and can’t have them stay.

Use that time to try and just get yourself together yourself strong and wean yourself off of them.

you know something has to change you know you’re not happy. I can’t remember if you said you had a therapist, but definitely go and get one that’s where your money should be going not on this financially abusive partner.

You need to run. She’s a walking red flag and doesn’t care that she shows it.
think of your children first-you’ve spent money on her and her friends and family that could have gone on your children or saving for their university degree. This is unacceptable-and you’re only 6months in! You’ve spent over 10k on her in 6months? Wow.

Hope you know he doesn’t love or care about you, you’re being used because he can smell you’re desperate.
please don’t take that offensive I’m being honest and giving tough love

Oh come on OP, if this were one of your friends what would you say?

you have had many options presented to you and they are all correct, get rid of this free loader and their family/friends and use the money you are wasting to get yourself some decent therapy to improve your self worth, self esteem and work out why you are such a people pleaser who wont stand up for themself.

Reframe your spending by all means, but reframe what you are willing to accept in a relationship, especially one of only 6 months. If this was a man he would be called a cocklodger - allbeit a part time one. Its pretty disgusting behaviour all round

OP are you in counselling for your self esteem?

why do you ignore or doubt your own intuition?

of course this isn’t fair.

if you don’t want to break up with her yourself - I would just say you aren’t in a position to pay for everything from now on. When you’re no longer funding her food and board, see if she steps up or runs off to find another sucker.

maybe being cheated out of money by her ex has given her an “eat or be eaten” mindset in relation to her relationships. Not your problem. You deserve a loving, respectful, equal relationship. This ain’t it.

Do you have a therapist? If not I'd suggest allocating your takeaway money there could help bring you a lot of clarity quite quickly. You seem to have a real white knight thing going on, that's its your job to fix this broken person and you'd be bad if you didn't, but you're in a very new relationship which seems more like a parent and child dynamic (one cares for, enables and runs around after the other) than partners (equals where you both have responsibilities for yourselves and others). Nothing you've said suggests this relationship is going to be anything but drama and chaos, long term you know you won't be in it and in the short time you've been together you've basically subsidised them to the tune of national minimum wage just in money, let alone your time. They money is a symptom of their entitlement and lack of respect for you in other areas you mention, it's not the only problem you mention.

Yes - start to tell someone face to face. This “partner” is a wrong'un, and you don’t have to put up with it or make any more allowances.

💯

What the flying f#ck are you doing with this man or woman (you don't say which), and the extended family? You already know the answer. They can't believe their luck, I bet you, because you've become a cash register/wishing well on legs combo. Get so far away to f#ck from this lot, please.

Boundaries! Starting with an iron-clad one around your bank account. If you can't stop yourself spending money when you're around this person then start there. Tell her you're sorry but you can't see her again until you've recouped your finances.