I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

You may not see it, but this isn't a relationship. These are freeloaders.

STOP paying for anything. At all. No more spending a penny on them as they owe you huge amounts.

Be assertive. Tell them it's about time THEY contributed and they can cook or pay.

I bet they drop you and disappear!

I’m finding this very difficult to read.
OP you are being exploited financially and manipulated emotionally.
You say you have a therapist. Have you discussed this situation with them? It sounds like you need to do some intensive work around boundaries and self worth as you seem to be accepting of this very poor behaviour from your partner.

Seriously, OP, you need to extricate yourself from the relationship. She sounds awful, highly strung, volatile, violent, freeloader, lazy. You are not responsible for her, or her freeloading friends. She'll drag you down and your children will suffer, even if they never meet her.

Just tell her it's not working for you and move on. The longer you leave it, the more enmeshed you'll become and chances are you will see her violent side. Just think of the amazing holiday you could have had with your kids if you hadn't thrown away in excess of £10grand (£10fuckinggrand) on this woman who is using you.

So is she not materialistic to the point she is oblivious she is not contributing? I don't think is right for her to make the assumption you are happy to pay for everything and to treat her friends and family too, unless it ha been discussed and this last episode was a one off?

She’s telling her friends you’re a doormat who will pay for everything - they are all mugging you off and laughing in your face OP.

Almost certainly, @Tiredbut

Stop paying for this stuff and start paying for counselling to manage your anxiety and the financial behaviour that it's causing. That should have been your priority, not paying for her ND assessment.

You need help to get out of this pattern and stop yourself being used taken for granted by their woman and her friends.

So what exactly is this person bringing into relationship except for their fabulously volatile self?

Why don’t you start by explaining your short on cash and see what she says ?

You're well and truly being taken for a ride.

Your partners neuro diversity is no excuse and you aren't there to fix them or their entitlement. For your own mental health and for your children (why should they put up with this) you need to call it a day on this relationship.

And she keeps reverting from saying she to they. It's confusing and unnecessary. Perhaps the partner is non-binary but we don't care and she doesn't know about this thread so the OP shouldn't worry about misgendering her. She just should have referred to her as she from the beginning and said 'I'm now in a same sex relationship.' Job done.

Anway, NB or not, she's been now been diagnosed as ND (of course she has, how topical) she has violent outbursts, is aggressive and volatile and is taking advantage of the OP's generous nature. The OP is basically buying affection and her girlfriend is taking advantage by encouraging her to extend this to every Tom, Dick and Harry in her social group. well, perhaps not Dick. Sounds like she's a non-binary fanny lodger and a piss taker. And not a terribly nice person to be around anyway.

Trouble is the longer you do it without saying anything it has just become the norm that you do it. Just cut back and certainly mention to your DP that your finances have changed.

Why dud you start this thread if you are not going to take any of the good advice you have been given on here. I'm sorry to say you are asking to be taken for an ATM. Wake up woman and get rid.

Sounds like you have a cocklodger.

She's gaslighting you.

She says she does not ask for anything you do for her - however she insists you go on a weekend away for YOUR birthday that she has no intention of paying for and when you sensibly downgrade your own birthday treat to a dinner as you know she will bring a mate and expect you to pay for them.

If she is not asking you for anything why did she want you to do a weekend away which became a dinner for YOUR birthday when she did not even offer to pay for her share of dinner? Just sat there when the bill came.

You deserve better OP you are not responsible for her situation. She has freeloaded off you and whilst it has been nice for her you are not obliged to continue. If she flies off the handle in anger all the more reason to bin her off. You deserve to feel safe and loved.

Best of luck OP. You 💯 deserve better ❤️

OP, this is not a partnership - if it were, you would be able to tell your friend that money is a bit tight and you will have to rein back. Also that you are not bankrolling her freeloading friends any more. What you have is a situation of exploitation - your friend is exploiting you for money, and you are letting her. Are you afraid that if you tell her the well has run dry, then she will be off? Because if so, all the more reason to tell her - in a partnership, people look out for each other, and are there for the good times and bad. She sounds appallingly exploitative, and for your own well being, mental health and indeed financial good, this all has to stop.

Oh tired I really feel for you. I'm ND too and generous hearted, always give people the benefit of the doubt and get taken advantage of etc. but never to this extent.

PLEASE read and read and read again all these replies. Gain strength from them.

Not only is she a massively cheeky freeloader, but she's living at your house half the time and not even pulling their weight around the house!! It's not just a finance issue. She's a shameless user and taker. You deserve better.

I'd say to them that you need to buckle down on work for a month as you didn't have much left in the bank so you will be Uber busy, and you are going to have a "no spend" month. This is an excellent idea posted earlier in the thread. State you'll be using up cupboard stuff, not going a good shop except for maybe bread and milk for example.

If they are heading to yours try out saying stuff like "hey do you have any wash powder in the cupboard at yours or do you have to change to pick some up". Start pushing back a teeny bit on getting them to contribute whilst also taking back a bit of control.

Drop into conversation how you are saving up for a big holiday or for a lovely Xmas for your kids so you aren't going to book any luxuries like hols/meals out etc for a long while and you are sure they understand. If they mention friends coming to yours say oh let's go to your place as I've nothing in and I'm having a no spend month remember, or maybe X can host.

I BET once you start putting in some boundaries that the scales will fall off your eyes. They will sulk or push back or kick off and you will clearly see their true colours.

Also: you can break up with someone at any time, for any reason. You can break up with them in a public place or via your phone, it doesn't have to be in person. You don't have to have them in your house again after a break up, or meet up with them after a break up etc. So how they react afterwards can have zero effect on you in terms of if they kick off.n

OP, I’ve read all of your comments and this is a toxic relationship even without even without the obvious freeloading. This woman is rude, unhelpful, childish, lazy, mean, and a grade A cheeky fucker. You can do far better and you know it. Get rid ASAP - it will be easier to do now as you’re only 6 months in than it would be years down the line. You know what you have to do - this is impacting on you and your children and that is not ok.

OP, do you have anyone who can help you be accountable with your money? Having a neutral person to help you devise a budget and who understands the pressures you’re under, will help massively.

Years ago when I got into a lot of debt and didn’t know how to stop spending, a family member really helped me out. She helped me create a budget and she held me accountable, periodically checking in (when I least expected it) to see if I was keeping to my promises. In your case as it sounds as though you have a good wage, a budget is still really helpful. You divide up your money into essential bills, savings and ‘fun’. Put more into savings and less into ‘fun’ so there’s basically no more cash to splurge on other people. Your savings are to be used by you and for your children only.

Having someone to be accountable to might really help.

Easily said but you need to have The Conversation and express how unhappy you are and end this relationship now. It needs done before it impacts your health and your ability to work. If talking to them is difficult put it in writing as you gave done here. Change your locks. Put a freeze on your bank card. Your children and your health must come first. The alternative is to be bled dry.

6 months in should be sunshine and rainbows and not a nuclear war. You deserve so much better than this. You got so much going on in your life and this person brings absolutely nothing to the table. I can't see the attraction, I can't see why you do this to yourself. Run, before it's too late!

You are not going get anywhere if you continue this right relationship. She and her friends are using you up to the hill. Her friends are taking her lead on this so she is not an innocent. You are incredibly bad with your finances if you're spending £10,000 on a couple of holidays when you say you now have money worries. This woman is not a friend. Her friends are not your friends. They are all complete users. There are women out there who will not treat you like this. There are women who will treat you kindly and who will bring their own money to the relationship.

Are you scared of being alone? More scared of being alone and being scared of living with somebody who's utterly ripping you off and sees you as a cash point?

I think you should immediately end this relationship and spend the money on counselling.

OP you sound very vulnerable and this is a VERY abusive relationship. She is a financial and emotional abuser. You do not have to have her family and friends in your house. You sound afraid to end the relationship. She will destroy your self worth and bleed you dry. Please see sense and end this. Do you havecant friends or family to support you? This thread is very worrying. Her story re her debt to her ex is bull. She did to him, what she is doing to you. Get rid.

Are you familiar with the sunk cost fallacy? I’m gobsmacked you’ve paid for their psychologist assessment but you won’t fix them. This woman being ND doesn’t excuse her exploiting you.

I wonder what her ex-boyfriend would say? That he forced her to spend money? Much more likely, he paid but insisted she pay her half back. If she were paying her way, how much would she owe you by now? Probably a similar sum, or heading that way.

You really should dump her, or your money will be depleted. This is a very expensive habit you’ve developed. If it were a coke habit it could hardly be more expensive. And just like if it were, it may seem impossible to quit but you should.

Please get out OP. This person is abusing you. I know you don’t like confrontation, so if you need to just send a text and say it is over and please no further contact. No need to explain or fight, you aren’t responsible for another adult and don’t owe them anything. Please put your kids first, this relationship will impact them massively in terms of your finances and mental health if it continues any longer. You can do this mama! Wishing you so much strength and the future happiness you deserve.

OP - does your girlfriend work? Does she even have a job? I love the idea of a no-spend August but If you feel awkward admitting you’re feeling the pinch then tell her you’ve got a huge tax bill to pay by the end of the month. Something you can’t avoid that’s going to take all your funds.

in reality You need to get out fast. But that might push her away anyway. You’re being massively exploited.

Is she quite a bit younger than you?