Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

[Pinkbobble86]

Friend has been with her husband for about 4 years and they married earlier this year. Her DSD is 8 and they have her every Thursday and every other weekend.

She mentioned to me that DSD accidentally called her Mum the other day and she told her if you want to call me Mum that's fine. She said DSD didn't really respond.

I said oh I don't think you should encourage that she has a Mum and it's not really fair on either of them to say that to her. For context I am a step mum myself, have been for 10 years and I also have DD, so it's not a judgement thing I just don't think it's a good idea!

Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order.

I have apologised and said I didn't mean to offend her but things are still a bit tense.

So was I unreasonable?

Yes, it's none of your business really, does she have her own children, poor child has enough to deal with.

Yes, it's none of your business.

It's not like she told her she has to call her mum.

It sounds as though she was just putting her at ease about the mistake.

I disagree with PP. What are friends if not to highlight things.

Personally, there is no "mum" vacancy here. As a mum I think we hold this role very highly and feel we earn it. If DSD decides when she is much older, and her own mum doesn't mind then perhaps it might be ok. But, I don't think it is up to anyone but those two people.

you are wrong . If her stepdaughter wants to call her that, that’s fine . Maybe she didn’t intend to and it just slipped out but all your friend was doing was telling her it’s ok .

You are right.

Interesting, yeah probably is none of my business but it came up and she does often ask for advice.

Yeah I agree she was putting her at ease which is fine but I'm not sure it's something that should be encouraged since she has a Mum.

I will definitely be butting out in future though!

I would also disagree with previous posters. I'd probably have just ignored the mistake (in the same way DC of that age might occasionally call their teachers 'mum').

In that situation I'd probably discuss with dh and dad what she'd like to refer to you as. At that age my god-mothers were referred to as "Aunty X" or "Aunty Y". It gives a level of respect without disrespecting their mum, but still feels like family.

ps I still refer to my god mother as "Aunty X" in mid-life.

*dsd not dad

You were right and she was wrong.

Noone likes unsolicited advice op. As a step mum yourself you know how much we get anyway so I'm not sure what reaction you were expecting.

If you just expressed your opinion in a conversation it’s absolutely fine and she’s overreacting.
If you made a big deal about it, asked her repeatedly if she had a conversation with DSD about it and so on you were out of order.

Has your friend not learnt by now that sometimes it’s useful to hear other people’s perspectives?

You are right. She should be referred to as her name.

Does she have children of her own?

I do agree with you, but I’d have kept it to myself. My friend has a new husband who prolifically posts on SM with pictures of her son, and calls him his son and “my boy”. Her son still has a relationship with his actual dad and it comes across as quite disrespectful.

I can think of few things that would upset a mother more than a stepmum suggesting they should steal the most significant name they will ever have. YADNBU

I'm with you, in that I don't think your friend should have said that to her DSD.
However, I wouldn't have expressed it to a friend in the manner in which you did.

That's fair

She wasn’t asking for advise this time though , was she .

I think you’re right. Her husband’s daughter already has a mum, and if it was my DD I would be furious.

Her DSD called her Mum, then your friend said it was ok to do that if she wanted.

I think that’s very different from your friend telling her to do it.

If you can’t have your friends give you an honest opinion, who can? Friends who tell you it like it is, for your own sake, are the best friends you could have. A dying breed, it seems.

I never said she did tell her to call her Mum.

You are right. She shouldn't tell her she can call her Mum if she wants to. T was a dlip
if tongue y DSD, that's all, the way kids sometimes accidentally call their teachers Mum.

The child has a Mum she mainly lives with, it's disrespectful to encourage the child to call her mum too.

it becomes 'your business' to comment when she shares it with you.

It's interesting to me that step mothers are always being told that their feelings don't matter and the child should come first. But if a child wanted to call her mum then it's unacceptable as actually the mum's feelings come first in this case.

You are right. First of all it is not her place to have this conversation with the SD without discussion with her parents.

As a teacher, I am mistakenly called mum regularly. It is just a slip of the tongue. You friend put SD in an awkward position by saying that.

Of course you are right to say it she’s your mate she’ll get over it. She put dsd
in a really awkward position. If she wants to call her mum it will happen naturally. But if she repeats it to her own mother it will come across as SM encouraging dsd to cqll
her mum.

there just no need for it to be said.