Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

[Pinkbobble86]

Friend has been with her husband for about 4 years and they married earlier this year. Her DSD is 8 and they have her every Thursday and every other weekend.

She mentioned to me that DSD accidentally called her Mum the other day and she told her if you want to call me Mum that's fine. She said DSD didn't really respond.

I said oh I don't think you should encourage that she has a Mum and it's not really fair on either of them to say that to her. For context I am a step mum myself, have been for 10 years and I also have DD, so it's not a judgement thing I just don't think it's a good idea!

Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order.

I have apologised and said I didn't mean to offend her but things are still a bit tense.

So was I unreasonable?

Wow!

That kind of intensely judgemental view is not helpful on this thread or relevant as we have no idea why the relationships involved ended.
Hope it's nice up there on your high horse though

Yeah, all of that.

i wouldn't have apologised though, if someone doesn't want a conversation, my
opinion, keep it to yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's totally different to when the child sees the SM 2/3 times a fortnight!

plus it was just a slip of the tongue by the child, like kids do with teachers/granny/someone helping them. The friend even admittted it was just an accident. No need to break her neck telling the child she can call her mum if she wants to.

the child was polite not to say anything
to put her back in her box!

Whatever she's been calling her seems to be working. It was just an accidental slip if the tongue. We all do it. No need to make it into some big deal.

It's easy done. My Dad often called me George. That was the bloke he worked with. I wonder if he ever called George, SassyAquaBear?😂

Thoughtless people just open their mouths and stay stuff, yeah. And the result is a friend with hurt feelings, as is the case here.

Well which is it? If it’s wrong to do that why shouldn’t you be told?

But the problem here really is the friend just didn't like what she heard & it touched a nerve.

What the OP said wasn't particularly offensive. The OP, as a long standing step mum herself, was offering sage advice based on that experience.
It's interesting that the friend has freaked out rather than calmly discussing the situation & her take on it.

You were having a conversation with a friend- you gave your opinion she didn’t like it . What are you supposed to do with friends? Agree with them all the time ?
For what it’s worth I agree with your opinion . She’s being unreasonable , firstly for the mum stuff and secondly for not expecting a friend to have their own opinion .

Yeah, that's exactly what I do

Or, more realistically, I don't always feel the need to give my opinion all the time. Sometimes the best thing to do is just nod, smile, agree, and change the subject. Not everything has to turn into a debate or advice session.

But the friend didn't ask for advice, OP just felt the need to give it anyway.

It was a slip of the tongue by all accounts, like you would to a teacher.

I believe that those around her are allowed to submit questions in writing at the interval, and then if they are approved she will allow a brief discussion before continuing to grace her acquaintances with her opinions.

Indeed, the little girl was very likely embarrassed by the slip of her tongue, as described by the OP, and went silent when the stepmother tried to coax her to overstep. So as it is about the child's feelings and comfort the stepmother should have not leapt at the slip of the tongue and simply left it. Only someone who was desperately hoping for this outcome would ever think it was more than a simple error.

As to the second point, if you bring something up in conversation you are opening it up to comment. Once the OP realised her friend had been hoping to be encouraged in this nonsense, she stopped and apologised for hurting her feelings. Actually, the only thing the OP did wrong was to apologise as she did nothing wrong and it's great she offered her realistic response, her friend really really needed a reality check.

Clearly, the OPs friend wanted a cheer squad, didn't get one, and became upset. Lesson learned - don't bring things up in conversation that you cannot bear disagreement on because the people around you are not required to be obsequious sycophants.

That's not how conversations work. Do you hand out pre approved questions and comments before you start your lectures?

The people around you are not required to be obsequious sychophants. If you are unable to bear a dissenting comment then do not bring up discussions that will trigger you.

You certainly do ‘tell it as it is’ don’t you.

Occasionally on mumsnet I disagree rationally with people in clear terms when I consider them to be wrong, using logic and experience and the evidence of their own words to do so, and when I choose to do so.

Being rational, clear and only responding to what people have said rather than motivations we have ascribed to them is something we should all aspire to, particularly on mumsnet.

It's always about the mum's feelings coming first - it's just packaged as what the children 'need' so people don't disagree with them.