Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

[Pinkbobble86]

Friend has been with her husband for about 4 years and they married earlier this year. Her DSD is 8 and they have her every Thursday and every other weekend.

She mentioned to me that DSD accidentally called her Mum the other day and she told her if you want to call me Mum that's fine. She said DSD didn't really respond.

I said oh I don't think you should encourage that she has a Mum and it's not really fair on either of them to say that to her. For context I am a step mum myself, have been for 10 years and I also have DD, so it's not a judgement thing I just don't think it's a good idea!

Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order.

I have apologised and said I didn't mean to offend her but things are still a bit tense.

So was I unreasonable?

I used to work in a secondary school as a teaching assistant and even teenage children sometimes called me "mum" by mistake!

We just used to laugh about it.

Bit of a different situation with OPs friend. She probably was flattered that her SD accidentally called her mum. It suggests they have a nice relationship but still don't think OP's friend should encourage it.

can they come up with a special name for her, rather than mum? It has the potential to be confusing as she's only 8 and may cause upset to her mum.

There's a big difference between not making a big deal out of one's SD accidentally calling one 'mum', and telling them they can do so if they want. It's not subtle or semantic; it's a blatant and mahoosive overstep. I've been a SD and as much as I've loved (yep, actually) both my step-mums, it would never have occurred to me to call either of them mum. They were referred to by first name by me even though younger siblings called them mum, as they were their mums. I had my own mum who would definitely would have been a bit put out.
My colleague calls her MIL 'mum' which I find equally weird. I'm sure a warmly intoned 'Irene' can convey just as much affection and respect as the term 'mum'.

I agree, I find it really odd the number of people saying you shouldn't say anything when it's a conversation between friends. Me & my friends would say this kind of thing to each other.

But the OP's friend didn't like it so maybe they don't have that kind of friendship or aren't that close?

Also - does the friend have her own children? I am getting the impression she doesn't which is perhaps why she was happy to encourage the SD to call her mum.

I agree with you. Assuming no cultural differences, then apart from situations where the actual mum has died or is abusive or neglectful, that's not appropriate.

@cloudtreecarpet "Also - does the friend have her own children? I am getting the impression she doesn't which is perhaps why she was happy to encourage the SD to call her mum."
I think this sounds likely, in which case OP's friend really ought to listen to advice.

And as someone in the thread said, it very much sounds like the kid said this by accident and your friend pounced at the chance.

So do you just sit there mute as people talk to you??

🙄🙄

But if the friend isn't that close she should bring up things she doesn't want to discuss, but I suspect she only wanted the OP's opinion if it was to congratulate her on being so amazing! 🙄🙄

You mean it was not her business to engage in a conversation and respond to a talking point her friend brought up because that's literally how a conversation works?

So your interactions consist of you bloviating and those around you nodding, or perhaps just smiling while sitting very still in case you decide to blow a gasket if they have thoughts and speak words you have not pre approved. Interesting way to view human interactions.

As an 8 year old it's not confusing (she's not 2) it's just weird it was an accidental slip of the tongue. Ignoring or a jokey comment was all that was called for, not this batshittery.

but this thread is really about the friends reaction to being told it wasn't a goid idea to say 'you can call me Mum' to her step daughter. Which it wasn't. But niw ger friend is all pussy because the OP didn't tell her she was wonderful allowing/encouraging the child to call her mum 🙄🙇🏻‍♀️

👍🏻

Does your friend and the DSD's dad share a child together? My dsd (who was living with us ft), called me "mum" after her half-sibling was born. No amount of correcting her made any difference so I just let her call me it. She did say to me many years later that, by calling me "mum" as her sibling did, it made her feel like she was part of the "whole" family. Presumably at 8 years old your friend's dsd knows the difference between a "step-mum" and a "real mum" so to her it's just a word and it's not taking anything away from her mother.

The biological mum needs to approve this as she is not missing from her daughter’s life, she is still her main carer and her mum. You’re being needlessly aggressive to OP.

Is your own bio dad ok with it? Are you close to your bio dad? Was he your main carer?

I agree with your point of view, and would also be tempted to say what you did, but actually it is better left unsaid and just let them get on with it.

🙄🙄whatever.

what a formal way to look at a conversation with a good friend.

Agree, also who thinks things through that deeply during a conversation? That's like therapist talk.
People just react in.the moment and say stuff don't they?

OP has apologised,, probably wishes she has said it differently now but the friend is being unreasonable to take such offence at some well meaning and sound advice which ultimately came from a good place.

Your 100% right she shouldn’t call her mum.
But perhaps the way you went about telling her this is what was unreasonable.

I don't think I ever said you were wrong.

I made it clear that it was my own experience.

So there we are

No, she doesn't. When parents split up, they lose the right to control what goes on when they're not there (obviously short of abuse, before anyone starts) If this child feels safe and happy calling her stepmum 'mum', who is the biological mother (let alone the OP!) to tell her no? Maybe people should work harder on their marriages, then these situations wouldn't arise.

Do we know the cause of the break up? Did the girl deliberately or accidentally call her mum, like you do a teacher? Not all marriage break ups are both party’s fault.

What a ridiculously judgmental comment "people should work harder on their marriages".
🙄

The is about a little girls feelings and comfort. If she wants to call her mum it should be their business and not yours. I would never comment on such a tender issue, it’s absolutely none of your business.

It's true, though. Not every marriage ends because of abuse/infidelity/some concrete reason. A lot of people just give up because they want to play at being in love, and they don't care that they are damaging their kids in the process. We see a lot of it on here, people wanting to end a marriage because it isn't exciting any more. If you are a selfish as that, you forfeit the right to get precious about the finer details.