Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

[Pinkbobble86]

Friend has been with her husband for about 4 years and they married earlier this year. Her DSD is 8 and they have her every Thursday and every other weekend.

She mentioned to me that DSD accidentally called her Mum the other day and she told her if you want to call me Mum that's fine. She said DSD didn't really respond.

I said oh I don't think you should encourage that she has a Mum and it's not really fair on either of them to say that to her. For context I am a step mum myself, have been for 10 years and I also have DD, so it's not a judgement thing I just don't think it's a good idea!

Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order.

I have apologised and said I didn't mean to offend her but things are still a bit tense.

So was I unreasonable?

In a decent friendship you should be able to express an opinion without the other friend freaking out, especially as you have lived experience in this area. I would be annoyed that my friend had reacted this way to something which was just meant as friendly advice.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, your friend only sees the child once a week and EOW so the child's mum is doing the majority of the childcare and has the role of 'mum', your friend should have let what was a slip of the tongue slide by without comment.
She definitely shouldn't encourage the child to call her mum, it's confusing and unnecessary.

Does she have her own children?

It probably just slipped out like when kids accidentally call their teacher mum
She only sees your friend 3 out of 14 days and has a mum I doubt she intended to call your friend mum.

Yes, it’s none of your business.

I’m glad she told you you were bang out of order, as I don’t think plain old out of order conveys the severity of the situation.

Maybe your friend was just trying to reassure dsd that she’d did nothing wrong, but you were right. I agree, it also probably just slipped out, like calling your children the wrong name. Maybe also your friend realised she’d overstepped the mark and you mentioning it touched a raw nerve.

Then don't invite your friend to comment by telling her what happened 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s none of your business. I take the approach that people should offer advice if it’s asked for. She didn’t ask for your advice in this case so you should have kept your beak out.

Exactly!!

Not just kids
I often call my kids by the others name or their Dad's name and call the dog one of the kids names
My Grandma would sometimes go through a whole list of family members names before settling on the right one.

It became 'her bydiness' when her friend discussed it with her, it's how conversation works...

I don't think ur friend should have said that. No doubt it was a slip.of the tongue from her step daughter. Even though what your friend said was onli a suggestion, it's putting the child in an uncomfortable position in my opinion.

I don't think it's any of your business, and she didn't tell her to call her mum - the DSD called her mum and she said that if she wanted to use the term that was ok but not required. I think you overreacted and put your own interpretation on something, and she is rightly annoyed at your uncalled for comment - if she wanted your opinion she would have asked for it.

And now you are doubling down by posting it on the internet to get her trashed by everyone else because you are so very right. Great friend you are. Hopefully she'll read the post and find out that her friend is far from being a friend.

Mum, stepmum and teacher here. If she accidentally called her Mum, I find it a bit weird for her to jump in with a ‘it’s okay to call me mum if you want to’ response. I get called mum plenty by my SCs and students, and that would not be my first response as I am aware it is a slip of the tongue.

My SD has specifically asked periodically over the last 6 years if it would be okay to call me Mum/Mummy. I have always said ‘you have a mum, I think it’s fine for you to continue to call me ‘nickname’ because that is a name only my family use. But of course if you really want to call me mum then that’s okay too’. She normally calls me mummy for about an hour then forgets, and it crops up again 6 months later.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable in just saying your opinion to a friend. She’s overreacted but is clearly wanting SD to call her Mum so is feeling sensitive about it.

She was fuming? Massive over reaction.

But you can have a conversation without offering an opinion. She could have said ‘how did you feel about it?’ or something like that. Someone telling you a piece of information isn’t an open invitation to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do about it.

@SpanThatWorld so your experience is different from mine. Does that make your experience right and mine wrong?

No, we've just had different experiences 🤷‍♀️

This is quite an over reaction!

Sounds to me like she's fuming because she's realised, by the silence, that her step daughter doesn't actually want to call her Mum and she was likely hoping you'd be supportive of what she said so she feels a bit less daft.

She was massively out of order saying that to her step daughter without any discussion with her husband (and in this case out of order generally given the child has a mum fully active in her life) even if it was an option the child was to be given.

I agree with you for what it's worth, but would never have said anything. Not your place!

While I do agree with you, I would probably have held back from offering it as unsolicited advice because I would feel that wasn't my place.

Maybe you could open up about it in future conversations about stepchildren, saying what yours call you and why.

YABVU. We hear so many awful stories of nasty bitches who despise their step kids, and there you are trying to discourage one from being loving. Butt out, you have no idea of the relationship between your friend and her stepdaughter. I say good on her for caring. I read a disgusting article in the Guardian yesterday where some selfish cnut was slagging off her five year old stepdaughter. If you don't want to effectively be a parent, don't marry someone who has kids.

I mean you absolutely couldn't be more wrong about me but ok.

I think saying it's ok if you call me mum is a huge misdemeanor. The child didn't respond so obviously it made her uncomfortable. The child is 8 and it sounds like this mistake hasn't happened before during the last 4 years and it definitely was just that, a mistake. I honestly think it's really creepy, she doesn't even live there 50/50. In this case it was perfectly valid for you to make your opinion known. Yuck.

SD was quiet after the remark because it was so embarrassing not just her slip of the tongue but then your friends reply which would have been excruciatingly embarrassing

Rather than friends reply putting SD at ease she just turned herself into some desperate SM who has fantasies about replacing SD’s own mother.
Think your friend has done more harm to her relationship with SD and she doesn’t seem to understand how her comment would have come across.

An 8 year old suddenly calling her very part-time stepmum, mum. How uncomfortable for the poor child to even suggest it. The friend is weird and this is way beyond caring, it's creepy and overstepping boundaries. The position of mum isn't a vacant role she can just assume.

@PhilippaGeorgiou so her friend didn't want a conversation? She just want to make a statement and have a brief monologue about it? This woman just gets odder and odder.