Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

[Pinkbobble86]

Friend has been with her husband for about 4 years and they married earlier this year. Her DSD is 8 and they have her every Thursday and every other weekend.

She mentioned to me that DSD accidentally called her Mum the other day and she told her if you want to call me Mum that's fine. She said DSD didn't really respond.

I said oh I don't think you should encourage that she has a Mum and it's not really fair on either of them to say that to her. For context I am a step mum myself, have been for 10 years and I also have DD, so it's not a judgement thing I just don't think it's a good idea!

Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order.

I have apologised and said I didn't mean to offend her but things are still a bit tense.

So was I unreasonable?

You may be right but I'd also have been incredibly pissed off to have a friend wade into my family life like that. It really is absolutely none of your business.

Well it is if you bring it up to in conversation? Or did she not expect a response

Sounds like she pounced on the chance and the child thought erm what? Opportunist and not ok.

My child occasionally calls teachers “mum” … it’s not uncommon for children to mis speak mum to women.

imo DSD mis-spoke, did not call her mum out of love or whatever.

your friend was flattered, but imo, DSD won’t call her mum again,

apologise

I think you are right. I like my friends to be honest with me about things. I’d also hate it if I found out my ex husband’s wife had been encouraging my daughter to call her mum.

It’s none of your business.

I would have asked her how she would deal with her DSDs mother if she found out and had an issue with it.
Imo your pov isn't wrong but there are many ways to skin a cat.

You’re right and you shouldn’t have apologised!

You’re getting a kicking because you’ve admitted to also being a step mum and now have a target on your back.

If you’d asked if it was okay for a step child you saw 3 times a fortnight to call you mum you’d have been ripped to shreds. Your friend is overstepping and it won’t do anyone any good. The “not your business” crew on here would think it was everyone’s business if it was their child and their child’s step mum.

She’s reacted badly because she probably knows that she’s overstepping and is embarrassed you drew attention to it.

I'm a SM and my stepchildren have called me mum by accident and I don't really make a big deal. I'd never suggest they call me mum as they have a mum. If DH and I separated I don't think I'd be happy about my DC calling their SM "mum"

You wrote that your friend said she was entitled to tell her to call her mum, but a few sentences before that, you said she told the girl she could do it if she wanted.

They’re quite different IMO. First one is an instruction, second one reads to me like someone who isn’t fussed either way.

God your mate sounds really highly strung. I agree with you and think you did nothing wrong, but also even if she was offended clearly you didn’t mean any harm, it’s irritating at worst. If she is genuinely fuming she needs to chill the fuck out/do some work on herself

Kids use the wrong name all the time.

Teacher getting called mum, mum getting called dad, dad getting called school friend's name, etc.

I can't imagine any of those people ever saying "oh you can call me that if you want to". They'd just recognise it was a slip of the tongue and carry on the conversation. Your friend saying that probably made the poor kid feel awkward and she didn't know what to say in response?!

I've been a step mum, and would never have said this. I had a step mum and never would have called her mum.

Most kids surely would think this was a bit weird?! And most actual mums would think it was a bit "off" like you did?

Leaver her be op. Hopefully she'll realise you weren't being unreasonable.

Phone trying to post twice - sorry

Excuse the language but fuck that shit.
My DCs were encouraged to name OW as ‘bonus mum’ - they didn’t need one as they already had a perfectly adequate mother (it was just a shame that their father couldn’t keep his penis in his trousers).

You were totally right. Especially as the step daughter went quiet she obviously thinks your pal is a weirdo. Your pal is taking it all out on you as she probably senses it didn't
Land well with dsd.

I would be fuming if my child had a stepmother who said that to him- he's feel so awkward and confused about what to do.

Accidentally tho? Like you might to a teacher

She brought it up, I simply can't be botheed with people that cannot bear another viewpoint to their own, it's not like you asked her for the information. Clearly she thought you'd ooh and ahh how cute it was and that she was so right to encourage it. Her standpoint on this is both daft, selfish and will cause issues.

Anyway, you're right and she's wrong and I hope the actual mother gets to hear about it and puts her right back in her place. She's not the child's mother and it is wrong and cruel to try to coerce or cajole her STEP daughter into pretending otherwise. The only time this is appropriate is if a parent has been abusive and is non contact and it is something the CHILD wants.

If the child continues to call her mum, the best response from your friend would simply be to respond without commenting on it either way. But the kid won't, she just made a mistake, I remember calling my teacher mum once, it doesn't mean I thought of her as my mother.

Well, unless the child feels she has to now that her stepmother has made a thing of it. She's wrong and she should have let it go past without comment.

I would not have apologised for this.

I dont know anyone who calls their stepmum Aunty.

You are completely in the right, OP. It would be so insensitive to the girl’s actual mother to encourage this (and not least because she’s the one doing the bulk of the childcare!).

@SpanThatWorld maybe an old fashioned thing for children not to call adults who are not their parents just by their first names.

Doesn't have to be aunty, but she and her step daughter could agree a special name that step daughter calls her to signify the closeness of their relationship without step daughter calling her mum. The title of mum should be reserved for one person only.

She was the one who raised it so I don’t think you were out of order, especially since you can speak from experience. She’s probably stinging because her DSD didn’t respond and you’ve provided a supporting opinion as to why she might have felt awkward after what was clearly a slip up. I can see a pp mentioned you “waded into family life”. Hardly.

I've had several stepmums in the 55 years since my parents separated. I've been a stepmum for 27 of those years.

All of those relationships have been first name only. Same for all the stepmum relationships I know.

No Aunty, no special names and definitely no use of Mum for anyone who wasn't the primary caregiver.

I wouldn't have mentioned anything but I agree with you at this stage.

I think you are right regardless of the delivery. Your friend should have treated it the same way a teacher does. If the dsd starts referring to her as mum to her actual mum and says oh mum2 said i could call her mum, I think mum1 would have a few stern words to say to ‘mum2’.