Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

[Pinkbobble86]

Friend has been with her husband for about 4 years and they married earlier this year. Her DSD is 8 and they have her every Thursday and every other weekend.

She mentioned to me that DSD accidentally called her Mum the other day and she told her if you want to call me Mum that's fine. She said DSD didn't really respond.

I said oh I don't think you should encourage that she has a Mum and it's not really fair on either of them to say that to her. For context I am a step mum myself, have been for 10 years and I also have DD, so it's not a judgement thing I just don't think it's a good idea!

Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order.

I have apologised and said I didn't mean to offend her but things are still a bit tense.

So was I unreasonable?

You were right. You are friends, not colleagues or acquaintances, friends should be able to be honest with each other.

Her feelings are hurt because maybe she would like her SD to call her mum, but unfortunately for her, that's not appropriate. Now a special nick name just for her, perfectly fine. Kids slip up all the time, how many of us have called a teacher Mum once. It should have been ignored by your friend.

The friend mentioned it to the OP in a conversation & the OP, who is an experienced Step mum offered an opinion/advice.

The key word there is "friend". I often offer and receive advice from my friends in conversation, particularly close friends. It's part of friendship isn't it, otherwise you're just casual acquaintances talking about the weather?

And I don't see that the OP is discouraging the friend's relationship with the child, in fact, her comment was meant to safeguard & protect it because she herself knows how complicated it can be.

I think the pp who say this conversation touched a nerve for the friend are probably right because she seems to have over reacted to it.

Absolutely none of your business. How exactly does this affect you?

Just because it's brought up in conversation, doesn't mean you have to give your opinion

I suppose it depends whether the girl was trying it out because she sees he that way or whether it was like eg how kids say it by mistake to their teacher because they see them so often and it just comes out. If it was the second it’ll possibly confuse things a lot and maybe even panic her so yes I agree- it was maybe something for another time not in that moment

I've sometimes been called mum by friends of my kid. I mostly wouldnt tell them it's ok to do that or not ok to do that, I dont mention it. So I think your friend was wrong to say anything as it implies she'd like to be called mum.

I actually agree with you. My niece accidentally calls me mum very so often. We both laugh and move on. I don’t tell her she can call me mum if she wants! It would be odd - my sister is her mum.

I am very close to her - have been in her life since birth, see her multiple times a week, and will always be in her life. Our relationship isn’t created by a marriage. But I am not her mum.

The step- mum can build to a strong and special relationship without claiming the mum titles - it’s not hers.

Why did you think that had anything to do with you, and it was something you should comment on?

You're so unreasonable.

I agree with you and don't think your friend should be encouraging her SD to call her mum. She already has a mum!

But ... you have upset a friend unintentionally ... I would apologise for upsetting her.

I’m with you it’s not her place to decide that. If sd asked to call her that it would be different. It sounded like a genuine mistake, where she said the wrong name. I think sd silence says a lot. I had a bf years ago whose mother liked to be called mum by his and his brothers gf no way was I going to do that as I had a mum. If sd mum had died or wasn’t involved maybe that would be different as she is young. The issue is she didn’t like your opinion but you didn’t tell her what to do you just said you didn’t think she should.

DSD’s silence speaks volumes. Perhaps you should take a leaf from her book?

I think children pick up and learn from their friends what to call people - it does not matter if they are related or not. Our GC call us Grandma and Grandad but on occasion GS will call Grandad by his first name because that is what he has heard around him. It doesn't mean that he is wrong - we are all known by several monikers, for myself I'm Grandma, Mum, Auntie, my RL name, sis, DH's nickname for me - none of them are wrong but can be gently corrected if needed. As in - I'm so and so's Auntie but you can call me Rainbow1901 - my great niece calls me Grandma because my sister is Grandma - we both answer to it so no harm done even if not technically correct. She will understand it eventually - but in the meantime maybe pour oil on trouble waters by encouraging your friends DSD when in conversation by addressing your friend to her as 'your mum or her RL name'. They are still in the early stages of blending families so there are bound to be hiccups.

I've been a step child. This would have been an absolutely awful conversation to have had to endure with my step mother.

It's bad enough having to deal with the dynamics of a new person in maybe both sets of parents lives and having to negotiate how much you can trust these new people and how much affection you have/do not have/want to show them/do not want to show and in addition, deal with another adult's expectations of how they wish this relationship to be, whilst knowing your biological parents may be hurt if you respond too affectionately or not affectionately enough etc etc to the SP.

To then to have made a cognitive slip in conversation and be secretly praying and hoping that the SP didn't notice, only for them to not only notice A LOT, but then horrifically bring it up in conversation later, thereby implying that yes, they've been thinking on it hard, and they're very much happy it happened and would be clearly pleased for you to give them a title that is associated with a level of affection you do not feel for them, and now you have opened a door you had no intention of opening, because you do not want to disappoint this person your parent loves, but now feel terribly guilty and confused about calling mum. And now you cannot even bring this up with your actual mum to work through these confusing matters without possibly causing a fallout (in my case it would have been WW3)

You absolutely said the right thing. It was at best an insensitive thing for your friend to do, (though I understand somewhat why she did it) and a very awkward position to put her DSD in.

*Spelling edit

It's extremely difficult territory. I would have stayed well clear.

I never said she did tell her to call her Mum.

Yes you did.
"Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order."

She has apologised for upsetting her friend, that was in the first post

But the point is that friend didn't.t need to say anything. Now the niece is going to feel that that is what her stepmother wants, and is going to feel conflicted and pressured about it.

Because hr friend told her about it? That's how conversations and friendships work.

But the friend brought it up in conversation with the OP?

Whether tou are wrong or right is largely irrelevant.
It sounds like a conversation between two friends who have a different point of view,which is,normal. Me and my frie ds disagree on some things, agree on others.
It sounds like an over reaction from your friends instead of her hearing you out and then her saying her point of view and then you both agreeing to disagree.

Disagree with those who say none of your business - she told you and usually friends will give advice and express opinions. I want my friends to do that.

The mum thing is tricky. As a mum I would be pretty gutted if my dc called another women mum. But then if the dc asked to and wanted to I would really struggle with going against their wishes too.

Overall though I think I agree with you.

This “none of your business” attitude on Mumsnet makes me really sad. It takes a village to raise a child and people with that attitude neglect to help when they could. It’s just awful

I work in early years and get called mum several times a week lol. I favour saying ‘whoops Hahaa’ and they laugh too. It would made more sense for her to ignore it to save SD’s embarrassment or to laugh it off like I do.

I don’t think it’s right she said what she did.

I also don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, are friends not supposed to be honest and firm when needed? I know me and my friends are that for each other when necessary.

I have children whose dad has a partner. I would be devastated if they were being encouraged to use the term mum when it was clearly a slip of the tongue. SD has a mum, a very present resident parent one it sounds like.

OK to put it another way. @Pinkbobble86 was not being unreasonable with what she said to her friend.

But also, not being unreasonable to apologise.

YABU. My step-dad has been Dad since he got engaged to my Mum. How they manage their relationship is none of your business.