Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

Up to her how she expresses her grief and for how long, but I think I’d be quietly eye rolling at this point so maybe I’m mean spirited too!

Well that would be someone I'd be muting from my newsfeed.

No it would get on my nerves eventually as I'd just see them as an attention seeker. Maybe I'm also mean spirited though.

This sounds like an abnormal grief reaction. She really needs therapy if she has not had this already.

I get you. There's a huge difference between missing someone on special occasions or memorable dates and actually posting about it... No need.

I suggest you look up complex grief or what is now known as prolonged grief disorder. Your sil needs treatment and support.

It sounds like she needs some counselling to help her manage her grief. In all honesty, there are very few days I don't think about my parents (they've been gone now for 20 years and 7 years) but i wouldn't feel a need to share it. There's no time limit on grief or the trauma of bereavement but it sounds like it's very intrusive for her.

What do the rest of the family think about this? Does she have a DH/partner? Is her mum still alive? Siblings?

I'd find it even more maddening if I'd also grieved this. Someone closer to her should surely have suggested counselling by now?

MIL is exactly like this, but in her case it's her sister who died over 40 years ago. I do understand that some people can get very 'stuck' in their grief, that there's no time-limit on these things and that everyone grieves differently. But in her case it does feel like there's a performative element to it and I have to admit I find it uncomfortable.

That would annoy me too and I’ve lost a parent (young, I might add). I know one or two people like this who clearly need therapy. I know
one lady who is still paralysed with grief about the death of a 90 year old parent after years. I don’t get it. I feel you must be extremely fortunate to have them for that long and I’d be more of the view of celebrating how many earthly years they had rather than their death. It’s a difficult one. Grief affects people in so many different ways. I think I’d just mute her.

You don't stop missing people if they meant a lot to you. It sounds as though you think she's attention seeking rather than grieving though.

I lost my dad more than a decade ago. We were incredibly close. I miss him all the time but I wouldn’t do this. My sister in laws do this about their grandma all the time though and it has me eye rolling. Feels like it’s for everybody else and for attention 😬

How does she function otherwise? In real life?

She desperately needs counselling - unprocessed grief

I've lost both parents, my adored MIL, and most importantly, my husband.

It may be cruel of me, but I have no tolerance at all for performative or over-sentimental public grief.

I knew a woman like this.
She was like that character out of Little Britain. Everything came back to the departed one.
Crisps with your lunch? You can be sure his love of crisps would be mentioned.
No exaggeration.
Solemn nodding was the best I could manage.

If it’s not grief then she might learn why she feels the need to do this..

I agree,this does sound rather over the top.

I've got family like this! But because both the dead and perminemtly greiving are chronically online its also repeated reshares of any comment, post or reference he made about her!

It's definitely attention seeking and usually the fact little else of muchness is going on in their life.

That sounds over the top - like @Notouchingmybhuna I wonder how she copes IRL. If she just goes on like this on social media then it's probably attention-seeking, if it's everywhere then she needs help.

Totally agree. I have a friend of a friend who is like this. If someone that she is vaguely acquainted with dies,she goes into grief overdrive. Posting on Facebook even. I hate the way she makes it all about her. Makes me cringe to be honest.

There is a type of complicated grief reaction where it is not processed properly. In which case counselling is needed. Or she could be enjoying the poor me angle - I know a few people who do what I think of as 'competitive widowhood' - every conversation is turned into an excuse to tell you why their life was harder than yours. Its horrible to lose a loved one, of course. But when it is 10 years later and still being used as an excuse to interrupt every conversation, turn it onto yourself and excuse any rudeness (I cant help it, I live on my own because I am a widow you know) its bullshit. Kind of sounds like more of the latter.

If it's mainly on Facebook then it's easy enough to ignore. There's no time limit on grief and she can post as she wishes on her own social media.

yanbu, or maybe im mean but 10 years on its attention seeking surely. Fine to think about them, miss them on special occasions or whatever but there’s no need to be posting and wailing… and I’m a little over 10 years on from my dad dying (unexpectedly and quite traumatically), the only social media post was to share the funeral details.

I do know someone who regularly posts lengthy, emotional stuff about her dad who died 30 YEARS AGO. Always ‘thinking of you xxx’ ‘you ok hun xxx’ 🤢

Yabu.

When I was a teenager one of my close friends was murdered. It took me ten years before I could listen to her favourite songs or get through her birthday or the anniversary of her death without sobbing. I still find it hard to hear the songs, it takes my breath away when they come on the radio. I still find myself overtaken with grief at moments, like when I realise I'm having a moment in life she will never have access these can be really random, like being on in a family holiday, or voting in an election.

Grief is a funny thing, it hits us all differently, maybe just scroll past her posts?