Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

I read something once about cutting the umbilical cord. Most people do it when they go away to school/university/live abroad or in a different part of the country. Some people only do it when their parents die and then they really struggle.

If she’s otherwise functioning in a ‘normal’ manner day to day, then what would you make of it?

You do know you can hide her posts?

Yanbu - and I say that as someone who lost a parent recently. Is she performative about other stuff on social media? It could just be that?

I'd probably think that FB is her outlet, it's how she deals with it and that at least she is dealing with it and not just stuffing it down like a lot of people do.

If I found it annoying, I'd simply hide her posts for a period of time.

Wait until your own father dies, then look back at this post.

Good question. Validation that I am not completely emotionally impaired I guess.

My SIL 'J' lost her hubby at new year 2021.

She's in her 70s as was the husband. So not on social media.

J blames the NHS for his death.

He was: a former heavy smoker and heavy drinker. Severly overweight, bad diet, on a dozen different meds, diabetic type 2, was on pure oxygen at the end. Used to work in a mine but wore no mask. So it's definitely life style related.

J acts like she's the only one in the world to have lost a husband. I feel sorry for her but annoyed as well.

J wants constant sympathy and is frankly now a selfish bitch. She moaned about her son not helping her out after the death. He did what he could. She forgets he's lost his dad. Has fallen out with my hubby (her brother) . She blames my DH for his death as well now!! Her others sons wife - fallen out with her. The sister of her late husband - won't visit J's house now.

Bad example for me I'm afraid. I lost my nan who I'd consider similar, and I do not post at every opportunity, I grieve her in private.

I think grieving for children is completely different to grieving a parent.

Did you not note that I said I'd silenced her? Unfortunately I have mutual friends that comment and it still appears.

Honestly, if I was to lose my mum I can't imagine I wouldn't still miss her every single day in ten years time. I'm certain I would. I'm in my thirties. Perhaps in another thirty years I'd be able to adjust better, but I don't know.

I don't post on Facebook, not a big user of SM generally, but for some people it is their online journal - you can choose to look or not. I think she's allowed to miss her dad for as long as she likes, and I know for some people the writing online is similar to writing a letter of sorts to the person they miss.

If the posts bother you then remove her as a friend online and just stick to interacting in person. I don't think someone expressing their grief and sharing memories of their parent is a reason to fall out.

Lots of us have lost our fathers (or mothers, or a sibling, or our spouse or multiples of those) and are of the same opinion as OP

Ridiculous. Parents die before us. It is normal and expected. Of course it is sad, more so if very close. But still to be grieving after many years indicates an underlying MH issue and some need for therapy.

My DF died at 70, 20 years ago, after a long illness. It was a relief for him and, whilst sad. I was pleased he was no longer in pain. My DM is 90, still fit and healthy. But when she dies, which she soon will, I will just be glad she's had a long and healthy life. I just do not understand adult people whose parents die at an old age - 70 plus and they fall to pieces.

She’s got herself into an extended grief cycle. She needs therapy. Grief is a circle of emotions for most people, but some get stuck.

I have a friend like this. Her parents died over 30 years ago and every birthday up pops "happy heavenly birthday you would have been 103" 🤮 unfortunately she lost a sister and brother in the last 3 years and she does the same, her two dc also post the same thing. I don't think it is grief I think it's attention seeking. I never comment because I can't cope with all the you ok huns.
My dsister died 10 years ago from cancer and there was a cancer awareness thing and I put her name and my friend was all "i never knew you had a sister that died blah blah blah" well no because i don't often feel the need to tell the world.

Queen Victoria was like this after Prince Albert died.
It's a good job she didn't have access to social media.

No, not applicable to many of us.

@meatsandcheeses I think you know you're not completely emotionally impaired. You say you have mutual family and friends etc. Maybe you should try to step back from your understandable frustration and try to gently talk to her about getting help, that you understand it's a devastating loss for her but she seems trapped, like she hasn't been able to let herself go through all the processes of grief around an adult losing a parent through illness. If she doesn't want to hear or know then at least you tried (as long as you do it sincerely) and then you can step back when your mutual family and friends discuss it you can in good conscience say, I respect her decision but as a consquence I won't discuss this and just close the conversation down firmly but fairly. This way, the issue will soon no longer be mentioned in your presence.

I get you op. It does fell rather attention seeking. Does she do this about other stuff too? As if it’s just the death of her dad she might need some counselling and maybe you can suggest it.

But some people stick their whole entire lives on SM for attention and if she’s that sort then probably nothing will stop her.

it’s obviously sad to lose a parent but it is the normal human experience and of they’ve got to a good age then I think it’s better to try and celebrate their life.

on the other hand I don’t know how people who lose a child can carry on. I know they must do (esp if they have other children) but it’s unimaginable how hard that must be.

So four years ago. Losing your life partner isn’t the same as losing a parent. You don’t only lose your partner, you lose your whole way of life and some people take more time than others to get used to that. The fact that she’s looking constantly to apportion blame is a huge red flag - she hasn’t accepted his death or come to terms with the fact that her life has changed so much. As mentioned upthread, grief is a circle of emotion - it’s not linear. You may think four years is a long time to grieve a partner, but it actually isn’t. If we’re in a long term relationship, we all have a fifty fifty chance of losing our life partner. And then the reality hits home.

You may think four years is a long time to grieve a partner, but it actually isn’t. If we’re in a long term relationship, we all have a fifty fifty chance of losing our life partner. And then the reality hits home.

But it does not mean she gets to be selfish and demanding. My dad still talks about how much he misses my mum who died 4 years ago. But he does not do it to demand attention or behave selfishly.

But it depends on what your interpretation of selfish is. She may just be looking for support, and I think she’s clearly in need of professional counselling because she hasn’t come to terms with the loss.

I’m actually really surprised how many people would be upset by this or annoyed. Loosing a parent is just horrendous and she can express it how she wants why can’t you just scroll on. How does it even effect you at all?

I don't like to compare different relationships. We all have unique relationships with each other and all kinds of people can leave a massive hole in our lives. I I agree that 4 years is not long though. Anger can be part of the grieving process. Sometimes if a person feels guilty that they didn't do enough (even if it's not true), for instance, can lash out and blame others. I was on the receiving end of this some years ago, and still am, to a lesser extent. I was devastated as all I'd done is try my very best to help. Someone pointed out to me that blame absolves guilt, which I had compassion for. It doesn't make treating others badly though, and I had to have a "conversation" in the end. She just went on to find someone else to blame. Sometimes people get stuck and need a little extra help getting through it.