New colleague comment - rude or misunderstanding?

[RunnerDeb]

A new (male) colleague started on my team recently. I interviewed him along with our (male) manager.

Conversation with new colleague yesterday about how he found our companies interview process compared to his previous company. He said that when I came down to collect him from the office reception ahead of the interview he thought I was the Secretary and was surprised when I sat down to interview him!!

Is it me or is that a really rude comment. There’s one thing thinking it, another saying it. It implies I wasn’t suitable to be in that role.

That's exactly what I'm referring to 👏👏 It's perfectly possible that's what he meant.

What age is this sexist diluvian man?

I don’t agree.. I think if you didn’t introduce yourself as ‘hi I’m xx, I’m the xx role and I’ll be interviewing you today’ then I might assume someone coming to collect me was not the person interviewing me/poss from HR or a secretary as would assume the interviewers would be too busy/back to back interviews/important to fetch me.

so no, don’t think sexist if you didn’t introduce yourself, and if you did then he’s a twat for not listening to who you were.

I’d like to know this too

Why is it sexist?

in a company where the OP have said there’s more women than men then the likelihood is there are female secretaries there?

In the past I’ve had male & female PA’s. When I’ve been in meetings with new clients they have often addressed my male PA first / before they have realised. That’s both male & female clients!

Not everything has an ulterior meaning!

If he had said regarding the interview ‘when you first came to get me I thought you were the secretary’ as in showing me through to the interview. Still not sexist.

If he had added ‘so was surprised when you were interviewing me because you’re a woman’ it becomes sexist.

Like I said, all about context.

Also if the OP is a line manager of his then it could have been nipped in the bud instantly with ‘why’

@Jumpingthruhoops

In OP's position, as soon as he'd made that comment, I'd have replied: 'Oh? what do you mean by that'?

What would that have achieved? He knew who the OP was because she'd introduced herself to him. He knew she was in a superior role to him and that she was a woman, he was in the first day of a new job and that he needed to be on his best behaviour, he must have known it was an inappropriate thing to do. For reasons best known to himself he thought he could get away with it.

If the OP had tackled it on the spot he would have weaseled out of it with some "I was just commenting, no need to take offence," remark. What was he going to say? "Yes I'm a huge sexist and I don't like working for a woman."

The only way to deal with this sort of behaviour is to make clear, via official channels if necessary, that its not tolerated. The person on the receiving end can moan about it to their mates or leave if they don't accept it or shape up and deal if they do.

Pretending not to understand and allowing people to find loopholes in the argument is tacitly tolerating it.

If you’re the manager, why are you going down to fetch him? I would have thought the same, not because you’re a woman, but because it’s not normally the manager who comes down to get you. If it was a bloke, I would be surprised if he was the manager too.

I once thought a man called Helge was the secretary of a company General Manager I had come to visit. (I thought the GM was a woman called Helga. Also, Helge was bustling about his office when I arrived, not sitting behind his desk.)

Fortunately, I treat everyone with the same courtesy, whether they are a GM or a secretary, so my error was never discovered.

She did introduce herself when she came to collect him for the interview. She then sat in his interview as one of the senior people interviewing him.
This was a comment he made to her after all that when he’d been successful in getting the role and saw her again when starting. Do you still not agree?

Jesus, calm down!
If it's a friendly, approachable company where informal conversation is commonplace, we literally have no idea whether he'd have made the 'maintenance' comment. At all!

Not any kind of 'apologist' thanks. I just try to see things from both sides, as we all should before jumping to conclusions.

@OutdoorQueen

Why is it sexist?

Because making unsolicited comments on a woman's role or competence in her job which wouldn't be made of a man are sexist. If you say it to a female manager and you wouldn't say it to a male manager = it's sexist.

Saying "I thought you were a secretary" is a particularly egregious example of this by the way.

Would love to have seen his face Dr LoserWinner! So depressing to hear of the male entitlement being so strong in one that I presume is quite young? Good for you though !

Are you responsible for his induction? If so, can you or the person carrying it out check that he has read the company policy document on behaviour in the workplace.

It may be worth checking what the behaviour policy or the staff handbook actually says as many don't make it clear what is not acceptable behaviour and the consequences.

Hope he is on a long probation!

Well, yes, we understand all that. As I understood it, he was talking about his initial first impression - the kind of first impression that presumably OP had also formed about him on sight.

According to OP: 'He said [afterwards] that when I came down to collect him from the office reception ahead of the interview he thought I was the Secretary and was surprised when I sat down to interview him!!'

That was his FIRST impression of OP. Of course now he knows different.

Well, yes, we understand all that. As I understood it, he was talking about his initial first impression - the kind of first impression that presumably OP had also formed about him on sight.

According to OP: 'He said [afterwards] that when I came down to collect him from the office reception ahead of the interview he thought I was the Secretary and was surprised when I sat down to interview him!!'

That was his FIRST impression of OP. Of course now he knows different.

Ah sorry, I scanned through the comments and missed that key information!! Yep he’s a twat then!! Although playing devils advocate he still could have meant that few seconds before the introduction… very twattish to admit it to your boss afterwards though!

Could he have meant "its a big enough company I'm surprised the person actually interviewing came to meet me in person"?

Can you imagine the difference if he had asked your DD where the kitchen was, then asked if SHE wanted a drink, y'know like most, nice normal people?? Would have created a much better impression. Have people forgotten how to create a good impression!

But why would you feel the need to share that?

In what universe does anyone think its sensible to say to someone who's just hired you for a job that you thought when you first met them that they were in a considerably more junior role? It's a bit like going on a first date with someone you've matched with on the internet and saying to them: "your profile picture made you look much fatter than you are." Why?

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence or self-awareness would just keep their gob shut and be polite and professional and not share their own idiocy with their new boss within five minutes of starting.

Even if he's not sexist (and he is) he's an utter idiot and let's hope he's not in a public-facing role.

Exactly this.

“Jesus calm down”
😒😒😒😔 there was no indication of any lack of calmness in the comment from runningonberocca

You can’t label him as sexist without knowing if he would have had the same reaction to a man coming to collect him. The inference here is that he thought OP was a more junior member of staff because he wasn’t expecting the person actually interviewing him to collect him for interview. The more junior member of staff he was expecting could just as easily have been a man.

With your name and title when you met him?

I can absolutely see him thinking the manager wouldn't be the one to come and collect him tbh

@Rosscameasdoody

You can’t label him as sexist without knowing if he would have had the same reaction to a man coming to collect him. The inference here is that he thought OP was a more junior member of staff because he wasn’t expecting the person actually interviewing him to collect him for interview. The more junior member of staff he was expecting could just as easily have been a man.

LOL. You think if an older man in a business suit came to pick him up from reception he would have said: "I thought you were the secretary"? Please.

I would bet my house many times over that wouldn't happen.

There are male and female secretaries. He may have meant that he was surprised that the person actually interviewing him came to collect him - he may have had previous experience of a PA or similar doing this. It’s not necessarily sexist, just speaks to the fact that he was expecting someone more junior.