New colleague comment - rude or misunderstanding?

[RunnerDeb]

A new (male) colleague started on my team recently. I interviewed him along with our (male) manager.

Conversation with new colleague yesterday about how he found our companies interview process compared to his previous company. He said that when I came down to collect him from the office reception ahead of the interview he thought I was the Secretary and was surprised when I sat down to interview him!!

Is it me or is that a really rude comment. There’s one thing thinking it, another saying it. It implies I wasn’t suitable to be in that role.

It depends what he meant by it really, did he mean ‘I thought you were a secretary because you’re a woman’ or ‘I thought you were a secretary because you came to get me and that’s what happens in my previous experience’
At the very least I would be asking him why he thought that. I don’t think it’s fair to assume sexism without giving him a chance to explain.

And not even a please?!

why did you feel sorry for him?

Demanding someone makes you a drink would have been incredibly rude even if she was in an admin or office manager position, or even the office cleaner.

Rudely demanding someone makes you a drink when you have no idea who they are is just stupid. Even if she wasn't on the panel it's very common for interviewing staff to ask other people who interacted with candidates (receptionist etc.) what they thought of them.

Demanding someone makes you a drink and calling them luv because it's beyond your tiny brain that in the UK in the 2020s (I'm assuming fairly recently) a woman can have a fairly senior legal position is sexist and stupid.

Don't make coffee for him. Ever. Or do any 'womanly' stuff for the team - organising leaving collections or the Christmas party.

Would he say to a male superior: "I thought you were the janitor?" No of course he wouldn't. It's one of the most blatant examples of sexism I've ever heard of. You need to educate yourself a bit if you can't see that.

Also even if if was your second scenario why on God's earth would you share this piece of stupid trivia?

To be honest I've had this comment and my industry is about 65% female, I did raise an eyebrow and the candidate immediately explained they meant they didn't expect me to be fetching people from reception, that i'd be too egotistical busy etc (I have quite a senior role).

I'd keep an eye on him though

I worked at a big organisation where the top appointments would be very high profile. Imagine the horror of the reception staff when they mistook the incoming CEO for an Uber driver on his first day…

Outrageous.

The coffee story cannot be true though these days, surely!!??

It’s a sexist comment.

There is a chance he could have meant the latter. I work in specialist recruitment in the Professional Services Sector and probably 75% of the time, a PA or secretary will collect candidates from reception.
There are still too many assumptions being made though, even in this day and age. We don't have receptionists in our firm. The phones ring straight through to the consultants and i often get asked by callers if they can be put through to one of the consultants. I don't think any of my male colleagues have ever been asked this.

Entirely different scenario, but delivery driver to our place, came swaggering through the door, looked at me and said 'coffee, white, 2 sugars luv' I barely concealed my contempt and said 'you know where the kitchen is, I don't need to know how you have coffee'
He glared at me. Every conversation after that confirmed he is a wanker.
Knobheads still exist everywhere and at all levels.

When I was a university head of programme in a traditionally male dominated subject, I was in the office doing some photocopying when one of the new cohort of MA students arrived to check in. He was rather rude and dismissive when I asked if he was looking forward to starting the course. When I walked into the lecture room, I introduced myself by my first name - we were a very informal institution - and said I’d be teaching this module. He looked surprised and didn’t engage at all - sat doodling on his pad and checking his phone. He then complained in writing to an unnamed ‘head of programme’ that he’d paid good money for his fees, and objected to being taught by the secretary.

So I invited him to a meeting with the head of programme and the director of studies to talk through his concerns. His face was a picture when he walked into the room to find me and my female boss ready to listen to his objections. It was even better when I introduced myself as Dr Loserwinner and my colleague as Dr Boss.

Did you not introduce yourself and mention your role when you collected him?

That must have been delicious! And entirely his own fault!

You bet!

On the face of it, certainly seems like a sexist comment but can't say for sure unless we know what the job/company actually is.

Playing devil's advocate for a second, secretaries tend to be very well dressed, groomed etc. Could it be that your industry/role doesn't normally require such a 'polished' look and that's his rather clumsy way of saying you looked really smart (for the job)?
Agree, he still shouldn't have commented, but maybe this goes some way to explaining his train of thought...

I would completely give him the benefit of the doubt because where I work, the secretary or security at the front desk would always collect the candidate from reception and bring them to the interview room.

It's an unnecessary comment but give him a change, early days, trying to make conversation. He may well be sexist but don't judge him on this. Reserve judgment.

Thinking it = unconscious bias we probably all hold because of societal conditioning

Saying it = power play to put you in your place

Whilst his comment was sexist, the sneering at being mistaken for a ‘secretary’ (very outdated term) is staggering.

That’s a bit aggressive. PP doesn’t need to educate themselves. It is a reasonable suggestion. I suspect if he interviewed well enough to get the job, he’s not that dumb to say I thought you were the secretary because you are a woman to his boss. I also wondered if it was because he wouldn’t have expected the boss to come down and send a minion instead. (And yes there are male PA’s nowadays)
However I would have asked what he meant by his comment rather than speculate.

I'd like to know that too. Because he may just have meant, I thought you were the secretary because I didn't expect the manager to be doing the legwork coming to steward the candidates in.

In some places where I've worked, managers would do this without a thought. In others, they wouldn't dream of it.

If he shows other signs of sexism fair enough, but on its own, I'm not seeing it here.

As the person who would be interviewing him?

This is such a stretch. I’m genuinely curious about why you would feel compelled to create a twisty hypothetical mitigating explanation for this guy’s comment.

Why?

He chose to see someone, make a stupid assumption, and ordered them to make him a drink. It was a waiting area, not a cafe or restaurant.

No sympathy for such nonsense. Anyone with common sense and initiative would look around and seek it for themselves before bothering someone and even then they would ask politely not order someone.

Even if she came to him and said Hi, I'm Manager, he surely meant that that's what he thought initially, before introductions.

I agree with a PP. You don't know what he meant. You didn't ask. Reserve judgement.