Were my parents rude?

[PringlesForMe]

This week we had a party for our youngest’s birthday in the house. Husband and I are separated and still living together and we had my parents over to celebrate DS birthday. We are recently separated and my parents haven’t seen ex since. We were on edge as to how things would go but overall it went ok, DS opened his gifts, played with toys, we all had a buffet and it was busy and happy.

My parents stayed for 2 hours then had to get a bus, they hugged our children, I was walking them to the bus stop and when it came to saying goodbye to ex everything turned awkward. My mum just looked into the living room and said coldly “goodbye” No thank you for having us or what a lovely day DS has had. To make matters worse I’m off the tenancy now and ex is making a big deal about how it’s now his house (I’m leaving soon) So technically he sees it as him hosting my parents.

After they left I could tell he was angry and he said what rude and entitled people they are. He also said it was one of the worst experiences of his life (!) To me it only turned awkward as they were leaving - DS had a fantastic party and everyone behaved!

Were they rude? Extra context (I’m leaving due to ex’s behaviour towards myself - EA. My parents know about how he behaved)

I don’t think they meant to be rude but were more upset about the whole situation. They don’t want us to split up.

We made a large spread of food and cakes etc, made them tea. I actually think they should have thanked ex but I don’t think they knew how to behave in the situation.

Sounds like a mountain out of a molehill really. Everyone behaved, the party went well, he just didn’t get the goodbye/thanks he felt he deserved. Well tough luck buttercup, your parents loyalty will always be to you and they maybe didn’t feel it appropriate to be giving hugs and gushing goodbyes to him.
I would tell him to get over it, the day was about your dc and they were there for him.
And take this as a sign to get the ball rolling with moving out.

You know the answer to this. Your parents were in a very awkward situation and were never going to shower him with hugs and kisses.

He is simply doing what he does and finding anything he can to abuse you. You have to get used to dealing with this if you have shared children.

Ignore and good luck with your life going forward.

They weren't exactly warm, let's say but he's being ridiculous to expect much more than he got. Of course they are upset but they could of left without saying anything. He needs to get a grip.

Agree 100% with this

He’s emotionally abusive. Why are you worried about how he perceives your parents’ behaviour? Why would his opinion be a good benchmark?

Why would you care what he thinks?

Your parents don’t owe him a thing. He treated you badly and now you’re about to be ejected from your home.
It’s a shame he couldn’t see past his own ego and remember why your parents were there in the first place (for their grandson!).

They came, had fun with DC, job done.
What does he expect from them, he is nothing to them anymore.
It was a bit rude but no less than he deserved.

Your mum could have done better.

He is being a drama queen.

Both shit for you, but put it behind you, making a thing of it with either isnt going to be worth your energy.

No they weren't rude. They're probably annoyed with him about the way he treated you, I wouldn't be coming across as jolly and grateful to him if it was my daughter and grandchild in this situation.

It was probably awkward for them to come and have to socialise with him, but they did make the effort and helped your child enjoy their birthday which is the important thing.

Sorry, this may not be the point, but why on earth do your parents not want you to split up when they know he is abusive towards you?

They are aware of all the gory details even the threats to harm me from a few years ago, they are aware that he punched holes in the hotel walls on our honeymoon but cos we have children they believe that we should be together and not split up. They don’t believe in divorce even though my mum has admitted to my dad being controlling and how she should never have married him!

If he’s been emotionally abusing you, your parents are not unreasonable to hold this against him and do nothing more than be coldly civil (referred to as grey rocking around these parts).

Even if they grateful for the hosting, I can see their rationale for not seeing him as worthy of their gratitude given he’s been abusing the person they cherish the most in this world.

I don’t think they were rude. Some people (me included) struggle to fake being over nice. There’s nothing wrong with that- your parents are sincere people and they understandably don’t have much time for your ex because their daughter is splitting up with him due to his EA. I would hazard a guess that the reason you are giving your ex any headspace about this is because of his EA. You’ve acclimatised yourself to second guessing perfectly normal interactions because of his behaviour.

How long do you foresee being stuck living under the same roof as him? It must be horrendous for you and your kid(s).

Your mum was a little rude to him but they are both grown adults and it is not your problem. Don't give it headspace. You have plenty on your plate.

Good luck with the move and your future with your child. You'll be much happier away from this man and things will get back in proportion for you. I'd avoid the co-hosting or shared events as much as possible in future. Less drama.

He is emotionally abusing you, you know that so just ignore his bullshit and get out as soon as you can. Your parents thinking you should be in an abusive relationship is utterly insane. You are most likely in this position due to what you learned about relationships from them in childhood. Please leave and break the cycle, show your children a happy life with a happy mum that is more important than parents living together.

Only a couple of more days to go then I’m moving out!

Do you have other people to be your support system as well as your parents? I don’t doubt they love you but they both have messed up ideas of what a healthy relationship should look like.

If you haven’t already please have a Google of The Freedom Programme. There’s others ones out there too (if they’re not accredited give them a swerve). The local women’s aid that helped me and my kids had a similar programme for older kids to help them identify healthy and unhealthy relationships.

That’s brilliant OP, so happy for you! ❤️

No, it’s him! My DH treats my parents & sister the same way, and claims it’s them. He is the common denominator with aggro.

Your parents were not rude. It will be so nice to get away from him!

No. They were civil in what was obviously an awkward situation. Your ex sounds like a complete shit as well as a massive drama llama.

I think my parents would not go overboard to be civil with someone they knew was abusive towards me. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. Good luck!

My parents will be upset if I get divorced. They do understand (and know everything) though. But, exactly as you say here, I can see the dynamics of my parents marriage, now I’m older.

A lot of women of my mother’s age would have “put up & shut up”. Only one of my aunts divorced, and she waited until my Grandmother was dead. She was a “disgrace” to the family.

Divorce was not legal, where I live, until 30 years ago. As a cultural thing, it’s now becoming more acceptable to leave your marriage. But, it’s still considered a failure on your part.

He’s abusive and just using this as another stick to beat you with. Ignore ignore ignore. You are nearly free from him.

I think it was unnecessary stress to bring on yourself, you know the risks and did it anyway. Given you are leaving in a few days, it was always going to feel awkwardfor someone or several people.

It was mildly rude, but you forced the situation, knowing there was a strong possibility or awkwardness.