Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I never thought I would have to come back and post, but I have another Dilemma.

The boy I am currently taking care of, has recently expressed to me that he feel 'depressed' although he is a VERY intelligent boy I had to ask if he could explain what he meant by 'depressed' and via his answers, it does give off the impression that he is going through it.

I asked him how long he has been feeling this way, he said for a few months now, but he didn't want to confide in me because he knows it would have upset me.

I just want some advice on what to do now, his Mother & Father are still on holiday, I haven't told them yet and I do not want to take it upon myself to seek the help and support he needs to overcome his depression. I am very upset that he is feeling this way and even more upset that I can't help him as I am not qualified in that area.

Do you have parental consent, as a guardian, to attend the GP with him, or perhaps just in emergencies?
Who usually accompanies him to medical appointments?
He's just 14, isn't he?

Let parents know when they get back.

It's no surprise really given his lack of parental relationships. I really think it's time the school knew (post holiday of course) as they may have access to wellbeing/ emotional support.

I hope this is a wake up call to the parents.

Yes I have consent, it's usually me who takes him to doctors/dentist appointments.

He is 12 years of age, his friend is sleeping over tonight so hopefully it will take his mind off things, I hate to see him suffering like this.

I will tell his parents when they get back.

I will not be the one who tells the school, that is down to his parents.

Bless his wee heart 💔

Imagine feeling like your parents don't love you, when you should be their everything.

I bet he sees at least some of his friends' parents being really affectionate and present and engaged with their kids and wonders why his own aren't like that with him.

It’s prob hit him more as parents are away

This - let them know, hopefully they will seek help for him although if they gave him a little more attention he probably wouldn't be so depressed.
Very uncaring parents don't they realise than money doesn't replace love and attention.

Yes, I will be telling them. I am so upset for him 😞

Exactly. This is what I would call circumstantial depression ie there's a clear reason and it could be improved with a clear response. I would hate to think he'd go to a GP and maybe be put on medication, as I have seen happen to other children, again with v understandable reasons for their sad feelings and low mood.

Personally, I would be trying to treat the situation rather than medicalising it. My friend's dd had an acute anxiety last year and the GP surgery advised friend to go to A&E. I spoke to her dd, who I am v close with, and she just needed to talk about how she was feeling and the reasons for it (she'd been shown a picture of a suicide and couldn't get it out of her poor head), I think A&E as a plan could have escalated it all and caused further catastrophising. Obviously she was closely watched but with a few tools to help she was feeling much better within a few weeks and has really learned from the experience. I know some will disagree with me on this. I'm not minimising or dismissing but I think I'd be open and responsive at home before going to a GP for a very understandable response to his difficult situation.

As I said last week, he's not getting out of these circumstances unscathed despite your best efforts. The situation has to be pointed out to his parents. A good psychologist, play therapist or psychotherapist would do this as part of a therapy plan. I know people who've helped their children jn this way without the professional even meeting their child by the parents changing their behaviours (often v subtle ways that parents just not aware of as causing issues). But these parents would have to be willing to take it on board...

No, text his parents now and ask them to call you.

He is not your child. As a professional you have safeguarding responsibilities and you must follow correct procedures. A child has confided in you that they are struggling with possible mental health issues, you have to tell the parents asap.

I will tell them when they get back, I am not going to text them and ask them to call me, simple reason they will not be able to do anything about the situation until they get back anyway.

They probably won't even be that bothered, so I am not going to waste my time and energy.

I disagree, they are bothered enough to pay for quality childcare - they have employed a qualified live in Nanny, what more can they do.

Yes I suppose they could spend more and employ a Norland Nanny, indeed 2 Norland Nannies so one can cover for the other for time off / sickness.

They could send him to boarding school, and only have Nannies for school holidays.

OP, you sound like such a lovely selfless person and this lad is soooo lucky to have you in his life. I’ve no doubt he will always remember that, whatever path he takes.

I dont have kids and am also an only child born to crap parents who didn’t want to be parents or do any parenting.
Something you said this lad said to you resonated with me:

“'perhaps I just got unlucky, but I will create my own luck”

He’s not daft. Like me, he will find his own way when he is able to and will do brilliantly.
I wasn’t parented, I brought myself up and I’ve done OK.
He has you and will do more than OK …. It’s amazing the opportunities a few more quid in your bank account can do to help you along the way and it doesn’t sound like this is an issue for him.

I wish I’d had a fairy godmother like you that had my back when I was 12. You are an angel.

I can’t offer any advice on what you should do about this lad’s welfare - that’s for you to decide professionally and morally; but at your age you really should be making time and a life for yourself too and this should also be a goal for you when his parents return.
🌸

That is not your call to make. His is their child, not yours. They need to know.

What more can they do ? It's a child with feelings not a pet, you have a child you spend time with him, not just farm him to someone else. In this case he's lucky as OP sounds lovely and clearly loves him but it doesn't stop him from feeling rejected by his own parents. These parents don't deserve that child they are emotionally neglectful and will damage him, as previously said money doesn't replace love.
Even Kate and William spend as much time as they are able to with their children

Yes, I will tell them when they get back, not before.

I know what I am doing, I will allow them to enjoy their holiday and in the meantime we've been doing things to keep his mind off things, we had a nice day out today.

Thank you so much, you've left me with tears in my eyes.

I think you need to tell the parents @BlankStreetMatcha. As a professional nanny and safe guarding you need to inform the parents

and the school esp if parents don’t or won’t

yes maybe they won’t call you or be that bothered but you need to do things by the book and as much as protect /sage guard him as protect yourself

The term for the parents behaviour is affluent neglect. I think you are doing an amazing job, but that's what it is, your job. In no way should you be a substitute for these dreadful parents.

I have already stated that I will tell them when they arrive back home, and I will not be notifying the school either, it's not my place to do so.

I am already safe-guarding him and I do not need to safe-guard myself.

I appreciate the advice, but it's strange how people here think they can dictate to me and I am just going to listen to them. He is in my care at the moment, he is safe with me. I would never take it upon myself and go behind his parents back, all trust will be lost and I am not willing to let that happen.

Have you been trained in safeguarding?
You unwillingness to ‘rock the boat’ is quite worrying to me. Don’t get me wrong, I think you are being a wonderful friend to this child, but I think you may be crossing boundaries here.

Yes, I have completed safe-guarding/child protection course, can you please explain why this is "quiet worrying" to you?

I am not being a friend to him, I am simply caring for him. I also do not believe that I am crossing any boundaries either, his parents are currently on holiday I am not going to text them and ask them to call me, to tell them that their son has recently told me that he is depressed. They aren't able to do anything whilst they aren't even in the country, and I do not want them to ask me to take him to the GP, this is something that they have to tackle, as I am not the problem.