Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Bluestone in Wales is lovely, although a bit of a trek from London. Centerparcs (either Woburn Forest or Longleat) might be a good shout. Lots of cheap and cheerful caravan or lodge holiday parks with pools and activities if he might enjoy that?

Portsmouth is accessible on the train and has lots to do and see, including the dockyard there. Also lot of fairground rides on the front he might like. Winchester is another good one - there's Marwell Zoo (which might be a bit young for a 12yo) but also the science centre and lots of other stuff to do and see. Again, an easy one by train if you don't want to drive, though you might need to get buses/taxis to some stuff. Or if you felt confident enough, you could do Edinburgh on the train from King's Cross. Definitely lots of options to chat to him about and see what appeals.

Hope you both have a lovely holiday, you both deserve it.

You would not be being rude or disrespectful. They have employed a professional to look after him. As a professional you have a responsibility to communicate with, and update your employers on their child's wellbeing.

In any job, omitting to inform your employer or manager of a serious problem would be seen as neglectful and you would be pulled up on it.

I really don't want to sound nagging, but seriously, this is your job! You are letting him down by not advocating for him, and not communicating his needs to your employers.

Have a good trip with him, and then definitely take a break, if only so that you can think this all through away from your work environment. And talk to your mum.

Different families are different, and different parents make different choices.

You are a brilliant nanny to love him so much and be so much on his side, but I would really caution you to think very carefully before following the advice on this thread. You have posted a few times about not overstepping boundaries and I think that you have a good gut feeling here of what is/isn’t ok within this family. Don’t lose a good job with a child you like because of mumsnet advice!

Social services will not care at all that a child has been left at home with a qualified, professional nanny who he knows well. Or that he hasn’t had a holiday. Or that his parents want to holiday without him.

If he goes to a well know private day school there will be many many families who holiday without their children, or who travel for periods of time. Diplomats, CEOs, musicians, politicians etc - a really high percentage of roles which pay the money to afford these schools need international travel and long hours. It also won’t be uncommon for the nanny to attend parent meetings, although probably less common at secondary.

What I think that you could do which might help is to suggest some sort of therapy/counselling for him. Position it to the parents as something which a lot of families at school are doing to support over teenage/puberty years. That might give him the insight and skills to raise concerns himself.

You sound lovely and the parents are very lucky to have found someone like you to essentially bring up their child. BUT you sound very much like my friend, a nanny for a lovely family with 2 children she was there for years, right from the birth of the youngest. Went on wonderful holidays, rescued them at weekends when mum had a headache and couldn't cope with the children, looked after them whilst they went on trips but also did holidays with the family. Was at their beck and call and never felt she could say no for similar reasons. Fast forward 12 years, the children were sent off to boarding school, the job finished, they didnt even have the decency to inform her of the passing of the house keeper. She had done her job yes but she came out and realised she had sacrificed a lot for them - always wanted her own children, hadn't had time to meet anyone.. so they might be paying you well but at that cost to your own future happiness.

Private school are diff

They usually get dropped off my parent or nanny.

I’ve dropped off teens and picked up

Exactly.
The OP doesn't sound 'lovely', she's a pushover who hasn't reported safeguarding issues and is weirdly enmeshed in this family.
You find him fitting and being ignored, they take absolutely no interest in any care and he reguarly says he hates them, what are you doing about this? Do you get something out of being needed to this extent?

Reaping the benefits, so not wanting to rock the boat. I see now.

OP you sound like a lovely person, in a tricky situation as no doubt you love that child, don't listen to the nasty posts who imply that you are in it only for the benefits and want you to contact SS or the school.

💐

I have been a lurker on the site for a while, so I am fully aware of how nasty some people here can be, I know that I am not just around for the benefits.

They obviously want me betray the family and lose my job, that's why they are encouraging me to contact SS and his school. SS wouldn't even take on this case and the school wouldn't even take me serious.

I am here now, I have asked him what he'd like to do whilst his parents are away, I suggested that go somewhere nice, a place of his choice.

He said that he is fine with staying home and just going out during the day, I asked if he was sure because I don't want him to feel as if he is missing out on anything, he told me that he didn't and wouldn't be going anywhere with his parents and he is actually pleased that they aren't here. I didn't want to dig further because he rapidly changed the conversation, but the more he starts opening up, I will listen and possibly ask why he is feeling like this.

I really don't know what some posters expect social services to do about a 12 year old child who is well cared for but has emotionally unavailable/uninvolved parents.

Social services aren't parenting police. They can't make people be good parents. Their role is to protect children from coming to significant harm.

This child isn't physically neglected. He isn't being abused. He isn't being left on his own. He is being well educated. He isn't in any danger.
What 'safeguarding' issue is the nanny supposed to report??

Loads of wealthy upper class families offload their parenting responsibilities to nannies, holiday without the children and then ship them off to boarding school by 13.
There's a whole industry of 24/7 maternity nurses and rota nannies and proxy parents.

@Mookie81 that's called a JOB. The nanny looks after the child and gets the benefit of payment for it.

The only unusual thing in the OP's situation is she is getting too emotionally involved.
@BlankStreetMatcha just keep in mind that you are an employee. I've known older career nannies who have given everything to their employer's families, sometimes for decades, and have ended up missing out on having families of their own and realising that they are ultimately just staff.

@legoplaybook

I agree, I am a bit too emotionally attached, it's just that I have been here nearly 6 years and he is the perfect child, I guess if this wasn't the case I wouldn't still be here or I would stand up for myself.

Unfortunately, this child is not being neglected in a way that would interest social services, I suspect.

@legoplaybook emotional neglect and abuse is still neglect and abuse. They’re in the list of safeguarding concerns we should look out for, and they can easily lead to plain old neglect or abuse (see the account of the boy’s illness which led to fits, while mum paid no attention) because the protection of the emotional bond isn’t there.

The child had a febrile convulsion (not uncommon) while the parent was in a different room in the same house. That's nowhere near neglect and could easily happen to the best and most attentive parent.

Paying a nanny to attend school events and take the child to medical appointments is not neglect.

Going on holiday without your child is not neglect.

Even not having a strong emotional bond with your child is not neglect.

I really can't imagine what intervention you think social services could offer? Maybe signposting to an entirely voluntarily 'connecting with your teenager' parenting course that the parents will never agree to do?

You might think they are crap parents but that isn't a social services issue.

There was a situation last year where he wasn't feeling too good during the night, he went into his parents room and his Father got annoyed so he knocked on my bedroom door, he had a very high temperature so I took him to A&E just to be on the safe side.
There had previously been a situation a few years prior, he wasn't feeling well for the whole day, it was the end of the day and I was getting ready to leave. His Mother had put him on the sofa in the living room to keep a close eye on him, something told me to go back to the house, when I returned he was fitting, because his temperature had got so high and she didn't even realise because she was pre-occupied. Since that incident, anytime he has a high temperature I stay by him and monitor him, and if it gets too high we go to A&E.

Bloody hell, it sounds like social services need to be involved with this family!

His parents don’t seem to care about him which is very sad. I would have some nice days with him while they are away but tell them you need at least a few weeks break yourself when they get back.

@NarnianQueen

Like others have said, this is not an issue for social services, they would not get involved.

He is not being neglected, abused or mistreating is any way, I think his parents just don't know how to parent and they feel as if spoiling him and giving him a credit-card (in his fathers name) makes up for the loss time.

12 days without their child? Tell them straight. The boy needs his parents

c*s 😡

Poor poor kid. The sht will hit the fan by the time he’s 15. For sure. He’ll hate his parents and show it. They’ll send him to boarding school. He’ll start real life as just another fcked up adult 🥺.

But yes in the short term he has you and I get it, you can’t leave him. His parents have already dumped him. Awful x

Thank you for being so understanding, some people just don't understand.

I think he has learned to be polite kind tidy ect from you, his nanny.
You sound like a gem, he is lucky to have you.

Good. She should read all about herself

If not abroad alone, could you take him somewhere fun like Centre Parcs?