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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny Dilemma

286 replies

BlankStreetMatcha · 17/07/2025 18:20

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 09:23

BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 09:15

Yes, I have completed safe-guarding/child protection course, can you please explain why this is "quiet worrying" to you?

I am not being a friend to him, I am simply caring for him. I also do not believe that I am crossing any boundaries either, his parents are currently on holiday I am not going to text them and ask them to call me, to tell them that their son has recently told me that he is depressed. They aren't able to do anything whilst they aren't even in the country, and I do not want them to ask me to take him to the GP, this is something that they have to tackle, as I am not the problem.

Show quote history

Is your safeguarding training up to date?
You talk about losing the child’s trust; I hope you’ve made no promises of secrecy.
Your posts are a worry. I understand your position is a very tricky one, but you mustn’t succumb to a Messiah complex. You have very real responsibilities around this child, and can’t use your specific circumstances to avoid them.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 09:29

Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 09:23

Is your safeguarding training up to date?
You talk about losing the child’s trust; I hope you’ve made no promises of secrecy.
Your posts are a worry. I understand your position is a very tricky one, but you mustn’t succumb to a Messiah complex. You have very real responsibilities around this child, and can’t use your specific circumstances to avoid them.

Show quote history

Yes it is up to date, I have never spoken about losing the child's trust and I would never ever make any promise of secrecy, I wouldn't even do that with my own child.

I do not want to lose his parents trust, that's why I would never ever go behind their backs. My job is to keep him safe whilst he is in my care, which I have always done, he told me that he is depressed I have been doing my utmost best to keep his mind busy to take his mind off things.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 31/07/2025 09:30

I’ve read all your posts, @BlankStreetMatcha and I’m going be honest with you - it sounds like his parents have bought your collusion with how they treat him. You say you couldn’t have bought the things you have without their salary.

May I ask - are you this child’s legal guardian?

Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 09:39

BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 09:29

Yes it is up to date, I have never spoken about losing the child's trust and I would never ever make any promise of secrecy, I wouldn't even do that with my own child.

I do not want to lose his parents trust, that's why I would never ever go behind their backs. My job is to keep him safe whilst he is in my care, which I have always done, he told me that he is depressed I have been doing my utmost best to keep his mind busy to take his mind off things.

Show quote history

Apologies for misreading the ‘trust’ thing, but my point still stands. Your ‘job’ is to look after him whilst he is in your care; your ‘responsibility’ goes beyond that, as you know.
You need to alert his parents (even if they ignore you). That is your responsibility with regards to safeguarding him, and goes beyond the reach of your job.

Zonder · 31/07/2025 09:42

I think you're being wise, @BlankStreetMatcha to speak to them when they're home and make sure one of them takes him to the GP, rather than them expecting you to do it. They need a wake up call.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 09:43

Zonder · 31/07/2025 09:42

I think you're being wise, @BlankStreetMatcha to speak to them when they're home and make sure one of them takes him to the GP, rather than them expecting you to do it. They need a wake up call.

Thank you, finally someone that actually gets it!!

If I told them right away, they'd ask ME to take him to the GP.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 09:44

Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 09:39

Apologies for misreading the ‘trust’ thing, but my point still stands. Your ‘job’ is to look after him whilst he is in your care; your ‘responsibility’ goes beyond that, as you know.
You need to alert his parents (even if they ignore you). That is your responsibility with regards to safeguarding him, and goes beyond the reach of your job.

Show quote history

Again.

I will alert them when they arrive back, not before.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 31/07/2025 09:47

BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 09:43

Thank you, finally someone that actually gets it!!

If I told them right away, they'd ask ME to take him to the GP.

Show quote history

But it sounds like they do that anyway? You say you’re the one to take him to the doctor’s, hospital etc. Presumably that’s when they’re around to do so, they just don’t?

Zonder · 31/07/2025 09:57

Ddakji · 31/07/2025 09:47

But it sounds like they do that anyway? You say you’re the one to take him to the doctor’s, hospital etc. Presumably that’s when they’re around to do so, they just don’t?

Show quote history

Face to face it will be easier for the OP to tell them it's something they need to deal with. Id she tells them now they can legitimately say we are not there so you take him. It doesn't sound like he needs an urgent appointment - he's not done anything drastic which would warrant immediate help, he has expressed something worrying that needs to be looked at soon but not urgently.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/07/2025 12:07

BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 07:51

I have already stated that I will tell them when they arrive back home, and I will not be notifying the school either, it's not my place to do so.

I am already safe-guarding him and I do not need to safe-guard myself.

I appreciate the advice, but it's strange how people here think they can dictate to me and I am just going to listen to them. He is in my care at the moment, he is safe with me. I would never take it upon myself and go behind his parents back, all trust will be lost and I am not willing to let that happen.

Show quote history

Why leave it till they are back

im saying this over years of safe guarding courses and experience . Im over 50

you said you are 28 so maybe 10yrs of nannying experiences if from 18

I’ve been in childcare for over 30yrs - you need to inform the parents

if they don’t tell the school , again you need to mention to the school that he said he is depressed

it is your duty to safe guard him

it is not going behind their backs

the school will keep an extra eye on him

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 12:11

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/07/2025 12:07

Why leave it till they are back

im saying this over years of safe guarding courses and experience . Im over 50

you said you are 28 so maybe 10yrs of nannying experiences if from 18

I’ve been in childcare for over 30yrs - you need to inform the parents

if they don’t tell the school , again you need to mention to the school that he said he is depressed

it is your duty to safe guard him

it is not going behind their backs

the school will keep an extra eye on him

Show quote history

I have already stated my reasons more than once, I am currently safe-guarding him now whilst he is in my care.

I do not want to hear any more on this matter, I've already explained myself.

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 12:15

You wont be in that little boys life for long. Maybe it's best to cut the ties all round.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 12:42

tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 12:15

You wont be in that little boys life for long. Maybe it's best to cut the ties all round.

Why would I cut ties?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 14:28

BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 12:11

I have already stated my reasons more than once, I am currently safe-guarding him now whilst he is in my care.

I do not want to hear any more on this matter, I've already explained myself.

Show quote history

I’m sorry, but you are using the term safeguarding incorrectly. I am starting to doubt your training. You can keep a child physically safe by being with them. Safeguarding goes way beyond that, and you are not doing this is you don’t inform his parents and choose to keep this information to yourself for any period of time. You should know this.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 31/07/2025 15:57

Swiftie1878 · 31/07/2025 14:28

I’m sorry, but you are using the term safeguarding incorrectly. I am starting to doubt your training. You can keep a child physically safe by being with them. Safeguarding goes way beyond that, and you are not doing this is you don’t inform his parents and choose to keep this information to yourself for any period of time. You should know this.

Edited
Show quote history

I am not fussed if you doubt my training, I know that I am doing what's best for him. Even if I were to tell them straight away, it would not expedite anything.

As before, I am not talking anymore on this matter until they are home.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 18:00

Just a quick update

Mum and Dad are back now, and I am back at mine. I asked to speak to them both and told them exactly what their son had told me.

Dad started yapping on about how he works so hard to give him what he needs and desires then once 'we' they leave the house, he has the audacity to tell you that he is depressed, he then looked at Mum and said that 'this child is really going to get us in trouble one day' then looked to me and said 'we are so glad we have you in our lives'

Mum then went on to say that he is probably attention seeking, then became very teary eyed and said that I am not aware of his behaviour when I am not around, and that I do not know the real him.

Dad then chipped back in and said that 'we' are going to have to find him a therapist. I do not know who he was referring to when he said 'we' because this is something that they are going to have to deal with themselves.

Since I have been home, he has texted me thanking me for looking after him and always being nice and kind to him.

We it be rude of me to call Mum and ask her what she meant when she said I do not know the real him?

OP posts:
AlertCat · 01/08/2025 18:19

I’m not sure I would ask that on the phone. I might ask for a ‘parents’ meeting’ like at school where you and they compare notes.

croydon15 · 01/08/2025 18:34

Just feel sorry for this poor kid, they have no idea how to look after a child's needs.
The father is absolutely useless thinking that money solve everything. The mother doesn't know the real him because she has not given him any time either, a therapist would be a good start, l wouldn't not bother to call her as basically they don't care and that poor kid as only you on his side.

Swiftie1878 · 01/08/2025 18:41

It needs escalating to his school. This is a severe safeguarding issue.
The dad is right. The child will get them in trouble because they are abusive parents.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 19:04

croydon15 · 01/08/2025 18:34

Just feel sorry for this poor kid, they have no idea how to look after a child's needs.
The father is absolutely useless thinking that money solve everything. The mother doesn't know the real him because she has not given him any time either, a therapist would be a good start, l wouldn't not bother to call her as basically they don't care and that poor kid as only you on his side.

Ok thank you.

All I can do now is wait for him to attend therapy, I will NOT be the one taking him there. They need to deal with their child, I can not take on that kind of responsibility.

It hurt, when she said that I don't know the real him, I certainly do I have been caring for him for 6 years, I know him to the point where I don't believe he puts on a front just for me.

I just hope he starts speaking about about his parents at school and to other people, after todays conversation I feel as if I am 'going off them' a little bit.

I have no idea why Mum started to become teary eyed...

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 19:51

So basically they don’t give a shit then

maybe if they worked less and gave some time instead of money to their son

this def needs to be mentioned to the school as I agree with @Swiftie1878it is a huge red flag

attention seeking. Yes he wants some love and attention off his parents

poor child

Mummyratbag · 01/08/2025 19:56

BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 19:04

Ok thank you.

All I can do now is wait for him to attend therapy, I will NOT be the one taking him there. They need to deal with their child, I can not take on that kind of responsibility.

It hurt, when she said that I don't know the real him, I certainly do I have been caring for him for 6 years, I know him to the point where I don't believe he puts on a front just for me.

I just hope he starts speaking about about his parents at school and to other people, after todays conversation I feel as if I am 'going off them' a little bit.

I have no idea why Mum started to become teary eyed...

Show quote history

Teary eyed ...guilt or feeling defensive I imagine. She knows.

Anna20MFG · 01/08/2025 20:33

He's probably different with them because they don't know him. With an added dose of sadness and anger towards them on his part due to feeling so rejected and abandoned over so many years. When the dad says, thank goodness we have you, what he means is thank goodness this poor boy has someone with whom he has a reasonably secure attachment.

I would not trust the parents perception of their son, sadly.

Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 20:34

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2025 19:51

So basically they don’t give a shit then

maybe if they worked less and gave some time instead of money to their son

this def needs to be mentioned to the school as I agree with @Swiftie1878it is a huge red flag

attention seeking. Yes he wants some love and attention off his parents

poor child

I will not be the one who mentions it to his school.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlankStreetMatcha · 01/08/2025 20:36

Anna20MFG · 01/08/2025 20:33

He's probably different with them because they don't know him. With an added dose of sadness and anger towards them on his part due to feeling so rejected and abandoned over so many years. When the dad says, thank goodness we have you, what he means is thank goodness this poor boy has someone with whom he has a reasonably secure attachment.

I would not trust the parents perception of their son, sadly.

Neither do I

But I have been sitting here wondering how he behaves when it's just the three of them, I couldn't even on imagine him misbehaving.

OP posts:
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