Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I would also suggest if you can that parents organize him a child counsellor preferable one who is family therapy trained

There are plenty of families like this, OP. A former neighbour was a children's social worker. She had worked in one of the poorest boroughs in London and also in one of the richest. Both had problems, but in different ways. The wealthy families would shower the children with gifts, but leave the nanny to deal with them on a day to day basis. The parents never spent any quality time with the children, and when social services became involved, the first thing that would happen would be a letter from the family lawyer. The most precious gift you can give to anyone is your time.

He doesn't want to go anywhere, he said he is happy staying home but going out to different places each day.

His Mother called this morning to let us know that they had both arrived safely, he was sitting in the same room as me at the time, she asked to speak to him and he said tell them I am busy, he wasn't pre-occupied at the time and she didn't seem fazed by this, she said she'll call in a few days time.

I asked him why he didn't want to speak to her, he said that they are not like 'normal parents' and he doesn't think they will ever change, he then went on to say that 'perhaps I just got unlucky, but I will create my own luck'.

I am very taken back by that, he is only 12 years of age he shouldn't be thinking or speaking like that, to try and make him feel better I said I'm sure they love you very much.

I asked him what he would like to do today, he has asked to go to shopping to buy some Nike clothing and trainers so he can feel and look like everyone else.

I will make sure we have a nice day.

Make sure you work out your normal fee then AT LEAST double it.
This is a huge incursion into your own private life, but I understand you not wanting to say no, for the sake of the poor, poor child.

You’re the one consistent adult in this boy’s life. You like him and make good money, so I’d be inclined to stick it out if I were you. You won’t ever change his parents, so the best thing you can do for this boy is to show him love.

I will be around until he is 16 years of age, hopefully there will be changes from now to then.

I'm only dipping in and out of this thread op, and I'm sorry I don't have time to read every post.

But I have seen dribs and drabs of posts about social services and talking to the school etc. I now see he is refusing to speak to his mum on the phone, which struck me as an escalation from your earlier posts?

It certainly isn't an ideal set-up by any means. But it does sound as though his mum has ensured he has a nanny who is trustworthy and whom he is close to. This is an unusual arrangement these days, but I have had my own dc in schools with very high profile parents and the truth is sometimes they do have the attitude - that admittedly dates back a couple of generations for most of us - that children can day to day be looked after by nannies. Often the trips ostensibly involve holiday, but often involve lots of quasi-business lunches etc, and aren't a great place for children to get stuck being dragged along.

We haven't heard mum's side about this. Clearly you have a bond and she knows and has ensured he is safe with you. I would caution against advice from randoms on the internet who don't know the situation first-hand talking you into lots of interceptions that would be going around his parents and undermining them. That may or may not be in the boy's best interests and people online are not really in a position to judge that when there appears to be no immediate danger to this boy. You don't want to do more harm than good - and I'd be careful you don't fill his mind with notions that aren't coming to him naturally. Not saying you are, just putting a different view that in life sometimes we jump (or push situations) from the frying pan to the fire.

I would never ever undermine his parents or go behind their backs. No one could ever talk me into doing so, and I wouldn't fill his mind with notions. I listen to him and whenever he says something about his parents, I tell him that they love him.

I feel as if the people who are encouraging me to do so, just want me to lose my job, I was recently told by a person on here that I am not a good person, I have always had his best interest at heart, yes his Mother & Father aren't able to parent him, I know I will never compare to them but I have always try my best to fill in the gap.

I am here to keep him safe, listen to him and make him feel better, it's the least I can do.

That sounds wise, and I, too, felt some posters were more intent on you kicking at your employers than the boy's best interests - which was why I posted.

Envy drives a lot of emotional responses on these threads and, outwardly, these parents have an enviable lifestyle. But something - perhaps the fact I've known families like this - tells me the pace is probably something the mother has not chosen. Some of these mums dream of sitting home with their dc watching movies in track pants during the holidays. Instead they are squishing into cocktail dresses and talking to balding biliionaires ... Its not ideal, but throwing a grenade in the mix is unlikely to help the boy. She has probably put together the best system she can manage for him, according to her understanding of the situation.

They do say that a person who marries for money earns every penny.

I wrote a few days ago how I understood where you were coming from as I felt in a similar situation a decade ago with the parents financially supporting the kids but nothing else.

That evening I decided to have a look on SM and found the girl who begged me to let her move in with me.

I wasn’t going to write what I found as I didn’t know if it would be productive. But, I’ve been thinking how would acted differently back then..

Unfortunately I’ve found this bright, beautiful and absolutely delightfully well behaved has completely gone off the rails. Looks like she’s either cut of her family or they’ve cut her off, and it’s all very public. She looks like she’s on drugs, with a deadbeat lad and it just looks like she’s completely gone off the rails.

I think you should mention to the mum that the boy has really missed them and upset he was left at home. It’s factual, you’re not telling them what to do, just giving them the information that they evidently haven’t picked up on. It’s funny what narrative people tell themselves to make them feel better about their decisions ‘he wouldn’t have liked the history/got bored sitting around the pool/would rather have a free house and have his mates over’.

He has opened up a bit more to me today about his family dynamics, when I'm not around, allegedly his Mother gets very 'frustrated' a lot, especially when he wants to speak to her or even asks her a question.

He sympathies that she is very busy and sometimes is very tired, but realises her behaviour is not nice, he apologises but continues to do it.

😒

Very sad he must feel totally rejected.

Sorry **typo 'she' apologises

Sad isn't it? there's literally no excuse for it.

Unfortunately it sounds like the parent-child relationship will be ruptured long term if there isn't an intervention or a change very soon. Do you feel able to say this to the parents? How do they speak to you about him? It's all very damaging.
I wouldn't keep repeating that they love him very much as he will have a really warped version of love that is bound to follow him into his adult relationships. I'd just stay active listening and empathising but I really would try to intervene with the parents. They need some kind of family therapy. As a play therapist I work with the parents also but that's really only up to 13 but there are other options. Crucially, the parents need to be part of it, it's not about giving the child the coping skills to deal with it, the environment needs to change.

Would he like a short break at PGL, maybe if you paid for a school friend to go too? You could drop them both off and collect them and it would preserve your time off with your friends.

Or if not PGL - there are lots of similar options (adventure/camping type residentials). Sailing trqining weeks are popular too! My dd loved this kind of thing if she had a friend with her.

I would look into that and see if he likes the idea - browse the internet and ask if he has any friends who aren’t away for the whole summer who would like to go along (esp if it’s free!)

I would never suggest or undermine, so there really nothing I can do. They obviously believe that they are the perfect parents.

Would not be suprised if he cuts them off as soon as he hits 16 and keeps you in his life for the rest of his life. What awful parents, they dont deserve him.

I agree with you, I am so annoyed I haven't even been able to sleep.

I think that's a shame.. I wouldn't see that as undermining..just protecting his present and future mental health.. he's not getting put of this unscathed OP. I know it's not your responsibility but I also know you care greatly for him..They couldn't possibly think they're great parents if they know a single jot about parenting or have any interest. There's so much accessible info on parenting these days.

You know what id book a air b&b and take him down to cornwall to the beach for a few days. Give him a normal british kid hoilday.

make sure you get some time to yourself when they are back, would take a few weeks off and force them to actually be parents over the summer hols!

He doesn't want to go anywhere, he is happy with going out everyday which we've been doing.

What do the 'parents' ( say this loosely as they are not parenting him) actually do that make them too busy to even acknowledge their child?

Poor, poor boy.

You sound lovely and really kind @BlankStreetMatcha