Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

This post screams 'me, me, me'. It's like you are the child in this situation. Your daughter has said you are embarrassing, which must be hurtful for her. LISTEN TO HER, hear what she is saying and stop gabbing on to her friends. Hasn't she a right to come to you when something is upsetting her. If you turn everything round to be all about you, then no wonder that you are embarrassing her. I was cringing reading it, so be prepared for her to distance herself further, unless you can be more understanding.

Our children don't owe us anything. Withdrawing privileges or stopping doing things for/with her as some others have suggested is frankly one of the most pitiful things I have read on here. If you want your daughter to stop communicating her worries and concerns with you then this is a mighty big step towards it.

She has said they are adults so probably left home.
She never said anything about not challenging her children, she has brought them up to be emotionally intelligent, you think she did this without challenging them?
This lady has gave the perfect example of raising a child into good adult whilst being calm, listening and supportive rather than I'm right, you're wrong attitude.
It seems some of you think it's tough love and do it my way or else you raise shitty people.
That's not thr case at all, you don't have to be so horrible to your children to raise good people.

Challenging someone isn’t the same thing as shutting them down when they express how they feel. If you expressed to a partner that what they had done had upset you or embarrassed you and they refused to see your point of view instead just calling you rude, how would you feel? This child is going to feel the same way about her mother regardless, it’s good she can talk about it.

and no, mentioning moving in a boyfriend or girlfriend into the home is not relevant here.

There’s a difference between being taught to be respectful and mindful of people’s feelings and not being allowed to express any feelings at all. Think your being a bit dramatic. If your child told you to fuck off would you say ‘ok darling, as long as you’ve got your big feelings out im ok!’ I really hope not but judging by the way a number of kids speak to each other, their teachers and other adults, I genuinely think it wouldn’t be that surprising

This is manipulative and controlling "if you don't agree you will lose all contact." No wonder young people these days are reaching adulthood with no resilience. They've never been challenged.

I can remember my child asking me when they were aged about 7 what embarrassing meant and I explained and added "that is what I will be doing to you in a few years time"

🤣🤣🤣 it's a parent's right of passage. You've won as soon as you've caused your first embarrassment 😈

ahhhhh i always was a cow to my mum but i would never have said she embarrassed me in front of people and didn't want me around, that's very hurtful

i'd hope she doesn't mean it and maybe there was a different reason but i would reign in some the niceties because that is an awful way to talk to someone

Still defending having your child's boyfriends living with you dear me. The op didn't say she belittled her daughter she said she was upset and her daughter picked up on it.

There is nothing wrong with the op challenging her daughter's feelings. She could do that with her on the next occasion she disagrees with her daughter. I think she was thrown by her comment.

What sort of message are you sending when you just take all sorts of crap like her saying you’re an embarrassment? You’re not going to earn her respect that way. You don’t have some sort of right to go round hurting people just because you should “get your feelings out” and “women are always taught to be nice”. IMO an awful lot of women aren’t taught to be nice at all. I remember being shocked as a teen at how someone I knew spoke to her mum. It was disgusting. She certainly wasn’t shy about letting her feelings out, let’s put it that way.

Depends what you mean by ‘displeased’ - didn’t win a prize at sports day, absolutely unhinged behaviour from her

displeased her by having a house party and smashing her antique vase, fair enough tbh

People don't like to post context of what actually happened and why her mother pulled back. My partner says the same about his brother he likes to say all the bad things his mum done and paint himself as the victim. In reality he was a swine there is always two sides to every story.

I think in fairness there are ways to listen to your child and acknowledge what they're feeling and trying to say while simultaneously teaching them that there are kinder, better, more empathetic ways to have said it. At 10 they're still learning how to do that so yes it is our job to teach that without just shutting them down.

Definitely. Of course there should be consequences for deliberate rudeness and other bad behaviour. If my DD called me a dumb bitch and stormed off to her room, no I wouldn’t be giving her a lift anywhere. It works the same for all other parts of society - if you treat people like shit they won’t do stuff for you.

it’s actually surprising that more teens don’t pick up on the massive amounts of benefits you can get by being unfailingly helpful and polite to people. Especially in this age when there’s a lot of rudeness. If you can be nice and decent to people, they will think you are amazing and often go out of their way to help you. It costs nothing as well. If you strop around and call people losers, idiots and embarrassments, then less so.

If my mum did that I think it would make things worse. I would be constantly worried she would want to show those videos to my friends to humiliate me.

"it’s actually surprising that more teens don’t pick up on the massive amounts of benefits you can get by being unfailingly helpful and polite to people."

The part of the brain that manages consequence like this is actually one of the last to develop and isn't complete until into early 20s. Which is why teenage relationships and early 20s relationships tend to be so full of drama and angst. It's just the way humans are wired unfortunately. Thankfully it doesn't last forever and certain personalities and circumstances will make it easier to navigate than others.

I have girls, 14 and 10, and both have told me I'm embarrassing. At least she told you what she found embarrassing and yes, they get to an age when you talking to their friends is not allowed, you have to be invisible til they need you again or only make enquiries about snacks. I've also been told off for saying hello on the street to someone they - Aren't friends with. It's all normal.

Yeah I was joking with the poo video and it would only work if both parent and child had similar senses of humour and I do know ones who do (but those kids aren’t the type to say their parents are banned from attending events anyway).

It's probably more of a 'her' thing than a 'you' thing. My niece told my dad she didn't want him coming up to the school door. He isn't remotely embarassing and doesn't talk to other people when he's there, he just collects her. But he is in his 70s unlike her mum and dad who also collect her on different days. That's all it takes sometimes for a kid to be embarrassed - just any difference to others - as they're navigating social life. So if you talk a lot to others, it could just be that. She's probably just more self-conscious than your other child, and different people are bothered (or not) by different things.

As usual, the first comment nails it.

Being a present and caring mother demands respect as far as I’m concerned.

The privately educated ones often do though. I teach late teens and the ones from affluent backgrounds and expensive schools usually have impeccable manners (they may be sociopaths in real life but they put on a good show). But as I said it costs nothing so if you can somehow instil in your child the level of social advantage you can get by copying that behaviour, it would help many.

Also in the past, there was a lot less tolerance of rudeness including for children and it was less common than it is now. Especially at schools. My friend is a primary school teacher and routinely gets told to fuck off by young children. I can’t recall that ever happening when I was a child. It did (rarely) at secondary but not primary.

My 10 dd tells me and her dad that we are so cringe ALL the time. I laugh and carry on exactly as we are. Try not to take it to heart, I bet some of her friends would love to have an “embarrassing” mum who is there supporting her daughter at school events. I would brush it off and not keep pressing for reasons why.

OP your most recent post explains why you are so triggered by this. You are not your mum so try and put that in perspective. That must have been awful growing up

Sorry OP, I agree with this.

You child already isn't coming to you with all of her friendship issues as you don't know who she has fallen out with (your OP makes that clear).

She didn't feel able to tell you that she doesn't like you to talk too much to her friends or that you are talking to people she no longer likes. Instead she felt she had to take the nuclear option of trying exclude you.

Now she has told you how she feels you have had a dramatic emotional reaction that she, at aged ten ,has felt the need to take on the management of.

None of this is OK. It is really clear to see why your daughter does not trust you enough to talk about her inner life and you have just made it worse.

I'm really sorry for your loss but you need to sit down and do a serious rethink of how you are parenting if you want to keep your daughter close through her teen and tween years.

BTW, when my kids are with their friends I respect their space and let them get on with their own conversations and dynamic.

It may be “normal” (though not in my world it isn’t) but it’s also rude. I’m not going to abandon my manners just because a teenager wants me to. And no, I don’t ever have to be invisible. I’m not a servant.