Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

Its quite normal, my 11 year old finds me and my husband embarrassing, when I've asked her why she just says "just because" 😂 nothing personal at all and they grow out of it , maybe you should stop talking to her friends and see if that helps, if you're talking to people she's no longer friends with I can see why she'd be uncomfortable and she likely doesn't want you to talk to them as it might make her feel under pressure to speak to them aswell when she doesn't want to

I think disciplining her for this would be utterly backwards. You would be punishing her ultimately for expressing how she feels. Teaching her to ignore her own discomfort eg embarrassment, to appease somebody who has more authority or becomes emotional, is setting her up to learn that her own feelings do not matter. She will invalidate herself, potentially in the future in romantic relationships. She may be more vulnerable to emotional manipulation, pressure from perceived authority to do things she doesn't want to do.

She confided this in you and clearly feels bad enough. She didn't intend to upset you she intended to explain herself, unfortunately it caused you distress but that wasn't her intention.

For everybody saying that this will lead to somebody who openly offends others in conversation etc. that isn't true. Social nuances are taught socially, people who lack self awareness and don't care about others feelings are completely different. You should be able to safely express yourself in a family dynamic, wether that be with your parents, siblings or one day future spouse and own children, without feeling as though you may be reprimanded for daring to have an opinion.

Also she's ten. Everything is embarrassing at that age. Let her do her, it won't be like that for long. She's at a really tough stage socially.

Is this an event where parents are expected to come if they can, an event where they're welcome but optional, or an event where just a few parents are coming to help out? Unless it's the first, I'd sit it out this time but once she's home, use it as an opportunity to remind her that she needs to tell you if there's a problem so you can solve it together. She does need to speak up about her feelings and especially if something's making her uncomfortable, but (when it's possible, as in this case) speak up civilly and don't let it fester until she's upset enough to do or say something hurtful.

I doubt you're chatting happily for hours with Katie after your daughter's told you she and Katie fell out (and if you are, I can see why it's embarrassing) but if you don't know or you forget perhaps she can tactfully interrupt you next time, or give you a sign, rather than being so embarrassed it makes her lash out later? Of course, if she expects you to snub children she know longer likes, that's not a reasonable expectation and it's OK to tell her so.

If it’s any consolation, I’m 36 and I adore my mum (always have) - she’s the best! But in those pre-teen/ early teen years I would have cringed if someone from school saw me on a bus with her or she spoke to my friends. Looking back it’s ridiculous, but I think it’s just a phase some kids go through growing up. I’ve always thought she was the best mum ever though - at every age! By 14 ish I didn’t care and would happily spend my Friday evening walking round Tesco with her just because I liked her company!

That's why you get so many posts on here about teenagers who live in a cess pit full of filthy clothes and unwashed plates because they owe mum nothing.

Its also your job to teach them to be an adult. To be told when you say hurtful things and clean up after yourselves, use basic hygeine and treat your home with respect.

Oh OP, I just wanted to say I really feel for you. In your post it's so clear how much love and effort you put into being a great mum. You’ve created a warm, supportive environment for your daughters, and that truly matters more than anything.
It is painful when our kids start to pull away, even just a little. You’ve gone from being their entire world to someone they want a few steps back in public—and no one prepares you for how hard that shift can be. What’s happening sounds like a classic part of growing up, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting when you're in the middle of it.
It’s also really telling that your DD felt bad and said you could come. That says a lot about the kind of relationship you have—she cares about your feelings and noticed your hurt, which is a sign of the strong emotional bond you’ve built.
I don’t think this means she’s stopped needing or loving you—more likely, she’s navigating those tricky preteen social dynamics and trying to find her own space. I’ve had similar moments with mine, and sometimes it helps to take a breath, step back just a bit, and remind myself this is them learning independence—not rejection (even though it feels like rejection at times).
Please don’t let this shake your confidence as a mum. Your love and presence have clearly meant the world to your daughters. This is just one of those painful but natural transitions. Sending you a big hug—you’re absolutely still one of the “good mums.”

I think it's a myth that all teens go through a stage of being embarrassed by their parents. I have 3DC who are now adults and have never experienced this.
I would not be happy to be spoken to like that and would want to know why, just in case DD is justified, which I doubt. My DC and their peers are not my friends and I have never treated them as such. Does you DD think you're trying to be?

Sorry I don't agree - this is both the ops journey as a mother as well as her daughter's journey.

Learning to share your life is part of life imo.

And it doesn’t help that a negative aspect of British cultural norms involves some parents being dismissive, disengaged, and indifferent toward their kids while anxiously waiting for them to move out of the house and never return.

Don’t let this cultural norm or the behavior of such parents disrupt you or your children.

I think it’s a quite normal response to be embarrassed by your parents at that age.

and plenty of 10 year olds are more than capable of being kind, thoughtful and not bratty. OP's first child can clearly manage.
Whether or not you go to the event OP, make sure your purse has a triple chain on it.

@Cynic17

would you prefer it if she wasn’t proud?

Well I disagree with this, her daughter hasn’t said a perfectly reasonable thing (unless OP is outrageous which is unlikely) - she’s said she is embarrassing her by existing and she doesn’t want her to attend a school event. The daughter is 10 this is one stage up from a 7 year old telling you that you can’t come to their birthday party any more because they’re cross.

Yes listen to kids and don’t squash or guilt them out of expressing their thoughts, but also don’t necessarily give kids the last word on everything - it’s too much for them. Doesn’t mean you’re training future people pleasers - I learnt a lot more from watching my mum stand up for herself in life generally than I would have if she’d meekly given in to everything I said when I was in year 5.

@ThisTicklishFatball

umm it’s a good thing for your children to move out and not return, shows they’re successful adults navigating the world well.

When I was a little older than your DD (age 11-14) I used to be so embarrassed by my DF. He used to help out at the local youth club and theatre where me and my friends used to hang out. I thought he had a really naff sense of humour and I thought my mates would think he was silly. It turned out they all thought he was great. Your DD's mates probably don't feel the same way she does.

Hurtful.... really? Her mum spoke too much/ to people she is no longer friends with. Irritating, sure. But hurtful?
This smacks of disagreement is tantamount to abuse/ denying someone's existence etc. It just seems a little "much".

This is a phase OP. It isn't about you, 10 year old girls can be terrified of being singled out or criticised.
She wants to navigate friendships without intrusion. It sounds like she is under pressure from peers.
I'd find out if something is troubling her, my DC found it difficult to see me grieving, it might be that too.
By 13, she'll have established friendships and will definitely need your support, try to hear her now, so she can talk to you about anything in the future.

My DS who is now 49 found me an embarrassment from that age if he had his mates around always offered them a drink and biscuit or cake I was always baking. He said none of their mothers did if they were thirsty were told there is a tap outside.

Later on he worked in a local supermarket used to cringe when I came in not that I spoke to him although his staff spoke to me. The worse was one day when I was trying to buy a leg of lamb as had guests coming and this bloke kept sort of pushing me out of the way to get these legs of lamb what I didn't see he was stuffing them down his coat. He was just about to move on when somehow I turned around and stuck my foot out and in his hurry tripped over my feet (I do wear size 8 shoes) and he went sprawling up the aisle and there was such a noise of bottles breaking and legs of lamb falling on the floor etc. of course staff came running including my son the look on his face was a picture. Apparently they had been trying to catch the shoplifter in the act for a while. I got a nice gift voucher from the manager after it.

He is still embarrassed by in his word my latest thing. For my 80th birthday I had a tattoo of a koala (I am Australian by birth) done on my right upper arm. My eldest DGD 23 already had one her and her sisters think it is great they have others as well. He couldn't believe I had it done his DD aged 7 my youngest DGD loves it and has apparently told her friends and her teacher as this terms project was on Australia.

Another thing I like to wear bright colours today have on a pair of red croppies and red and white t shirt I feel it cheers you up. I think he thinks people my age should wear dark colours all the time.

I know he really loves me as we went to Malta to celebrate my birthday with my DH, DD, SIL and second DGD and her DP. Much to my surprise he turned up on the 2nd day to stay for 5 days to help celebrate with me.

Good for you for disagreeing 🤷‍♀️

these were the reasons given by the daughter
-She told me because she wanted to be more grown up.
-She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much
-in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

All seem reasonable to me.

She’s a kid. Kids say stuff like that. Listen and try to take a step back from where you might be being too much for her. Listen to her but also take it with a bit of a pinch of salt.

Your reaction is a bit OTT really. You’re her mother.

OP next time your daughter wants something, a lift, help, money etc just say” no I couldn’t possibly do that , far too embarrassing! “ Op’s daughter has to learn about considering the feelings of others and to appreciate her mother

Well said! Less indulging and a lesson in decent behaviour is needed, and 10 is not too young.

I don't think anyone said anything differently!

We owe it to our children to love them unconditionally, prepare them for independence! You are the parent, you chose to have the children and you get the children/adults you deserve. If they are slobs, then educate them! Yes, they owe you nothing.

It’s not the case when parents clearly have no desire to see their adult children ever again, and even as teenagers, they were just waiting for the opportunity to kick them out.
In today's world of diverse jobs and careers, with remote and hybrid work opportunities, good incomes, and the choice to stay single while living harmoniously with parents, it's unfair to claim that these adults aren't managing life effectively.

And no wonder so many mothers find that their children are NC, because they weren't even allowed to say that the over effusive parent was embarrassing them without said parent having a meltdown.