Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

All kids say their parents are embarrassing.
But i didn't my mother was shameful.
I still remember when we got letters to give to our parents id read it if it was something she had to know about fine if not id bin it before id leave the school.
From about year 5 on i would do this.
School plays party's trips etc hated it.
Bined the letters.
If it was something that i couldn't hide my eldest sister would deal with it even signed her name.
Wright notes etc.

I had a chat with my DD, also 10, on this subject a few weeks ago.

She had said I was not an embarrassing mum and I asked why. She said that I acted like a mother and not “one of the girls” and that I didn’t talk too much to them or try to be cool or talk in slang

when I think about it, a few of her friends’ mums actually DO act like they are one of the friend group - maybe this is what she means?

Exactly! They grow up to be adults who "tell it like it is", because it's okay to be rude if you're expressing "your truth" regardless of anybody else's feelings...

Take it with a pinch of salt Op and don’t let it get to you. You haven’t don’t anything wrong.

No. They grow up to be adults (usually women) who feel they have to walk on eggshells and suppress their own feelings.

Baffles me how many people don’t see children as people in their own right with their own valid feelings and perspectives. The OP made her daughter carry the weight of her own overly emotional response to her daughter telling her how she felt. Therefore her daughter will learn that she can’t express her own feelings and has to please everyone else, no matter how she feels.

But sure, continue to be an authoritarian parent and throwing a hissy fit if your child says something you don’t like. Very emotionally mature.

I think most children and parents go through this. And maybe reflect to see if there is any truth to what she said. Perhaps, you are too chatty, friendly or over familiar. I remember when I was in primary school, I had a friend whose mum who tried to be one of the girls - I found it very odd and inappropriate. A parent is meant to be a parent and not a friend.

No, they do not.

There is a middle ground for everything. MN likes to stretch situations to the extreme end.

This is a good comment. I know exactly what your daughter means. I wouldn't appreciate my parent being too friendly or over familiar with my friends.

@jnh22

i wonder what is meant by “acting like a mother”? I mean what if you’re someone who does just naturally contemporary slang , not cos you’re trying to be ‘one of the girls’ but just cos it’s how you speak? Are you supposed to change who you are to avoid ‘embarrassing ‘ your kids?? I think don’t think that’s fair

@DrowningInSyrup

you’re wrong. Our children owe us basic respect and decency. Op hasn’t said she gabs on. Just that’s she’s polite, friendly and shows an interest in her daughters mates…if she didn’t I’m sure her daughter wouldn’t be too happy then either! Mothers just can’t win and are expected to be perfect and read others minds and not have any feelings of their own. It’s ridiculous!

My 11 year old DS tells me daily that I'm "cringe". And I'm most definitely a cool mum (verified by DD26 and her friends!)

Huh… very rare when the OP takes constructive feedback and reflects but the other posters are the ones who need a swift kick to reality.

I really feel sorry for the future #bekind brigade that are being raised to not be able to assert themselves in relationships. Ah well I guess we know where the future ”how do I tell this person this perfectly reasonable thing without upsetting them” posts will be coming from. 🙃

I think its more likely that girls are taught to be submissive if their mothers just cower when they tell them they are an embarrassment to them and don't tell them that no, that's upsetting, you don't say that to people. Allowing someone to walk all over you doesn't teach your kid to be assertive at all. And interesting that these nasty insults are usually aimed at mums rather than dads.

And they'll all love you when they're teens

The op is not the same age as her daughter this is not realistic advice. Her daughter will go through many more challenges and she may or may not tell her mother for whatever reason. That is not a reflection on her parenting. You made the choice to distance yourself the op wants to be friendly.

This. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t but if you want to go and support her then do. Does she still expect a lift home by any chance?

I'm friendly. I'll say ' hello, how are you?' but I let the kids have their own conversation. I don't expect to be part of it. That's their world.

Fact is, OP has taught her daughter that if her daughter is honest with her, her mother will have an emotional melt down. That's really not good.

Congratulations, OP, you have done your job well raising an independent and confident daughter. My son said a similar thing to me at around the same age and I only felt proud that he felt he was able to handle things on his own from here on out. They are growing up and asserting their independence. My son banned me from his playground, so I started just dropping him off at the kerbside and the following year, he walked to school on his own. Take it as a win and do something YOU want to do instead of attending the school event. Its time to find your identity outside of motherhood again! Good luck.

Yes but when expressing your feelings hurts the feelings of others, does that make it okay? Sometimes feelings are best kept to yourself!

You should feel proud that she felt confident enough to tell you, and explain her feelings. I'm sure it did hurt but take comfort that you have an open and honest relationship! I'd take her feedback on board, maybe she's just a quieter or more easily embarrassed character than your older one, maybe go but actively take a back seat and keep to yourself a bit more. Thank her for telling you how she feels, and how grateful she felt she could tell you the truth. Keeping communication lines open is super important as she grows up, it might not always be easy to hear, but it's really valuable.

Fair point

I’d not be asking what I can and cannot do. She’s 10. And yes I have a 10 year old. Tell her you’re coming, if she doesn’t appreciate what you do then you can stop doing all the parties and hosting for her friends. Firmly believe kids need to know when it’s wrong to hurt someone’s feeling. Even if it’s their own Mom.

It's quite common for teenagers to be embarrassed of their parents, particularly at that age. Don't take it to heart. Do you think you might have been a bit embarrassing?

I was never embarrassed of my parents because they are so laid back and welcoming. When I was a teenager my house was the house that everyone hung out at and my friends all have a close relationship with my parents as a result.

DH and I have are also easy going and leave the kids to it, this is why my stepson's friends regularly come over to us. I have a house full of teens this Saturday!

I’m still embarrassed by my parents! I’m 69! Tell your DD to get used to it?

Most children go through this. They do not have to always like how we are or agree with what we say and should be able to express this

At some point you can turn this constant embarrassment they feel about you being their mum into a running joke. I make gang signs behind his friends back and threaten to 'hip hop' dance when his friends are round. Parents of teenagers have to have some enjoyment in parenting