Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

I think you are making a huge deal out of this, maybe time to step back a little

give your girls a bit of space

and laugh it off and treat it lightly

This is not a usual occurrence, ffs some parents just can’t do right for doing wrong.

Kids are always embarrassed by parents, it’s the norm and part of growing up. I’d tell her that you’ll be there but will chat less to her classmates. Chat to other mums instead

Whilst I think it’s perfectly normal for her wanting to have some independence and separation from you, I think the posters saying ‘well look at your own behaviour, maybe you’re too chatty etc” are wrong, you can talk to who you want to talk to, and who cares if she’s had a ‘fall out’ with someone and you speak to them, she can’t control who you say hello to and it comes across very ‘mean girl’ that she has children at school she doesn’t want you acknowledging because they’re no longer in her favour. I’d nip this in the bud now or she will think it’s ok to say really quite hurtful things to people with no consequence. I work with 8-10 year old girls at a hobby/sport and some of them speak really quite harshly to their mums (not so much dads interestingly) and the mums often brush it off with ‘oh she’s nervous about performing’ or ‘she’s in the zone! Haha!’- think ‘mum tie my shoelace, noooo not like that for gods sake mum that’s too tight, right give me my water bottle now’ in a very surly way. But I don’t take it off my kids , in a nice way I’ll tell them to mind their tone and remind them in facilitating everything they do and that it’s supposed to be fun. I’m assuming this event is a school disco or something and they want parents running the tuck shop etc. and she doesn’t want you there ‘cramping her style’ it’s absolutely fair enough but to outright say you embarrass her is taking it too far in my opinion and I’d be saying do I embarrass you when I take you to do fun things or surprise you with fun treats or buy you things you want? Might make her think on.

Many potential factors could explain this:
She’s rude
Does not even understand what she’s said.
Is an actor and feels embarrassed that you will see her behaving differently.
Either way, she’s 10 and doesn’t get to decide. Madam!

Lives by the grace of you? What a narcissistic turn of phrase. Bit of a terrifying statement.

I agree. Telling a parent they can’t come to anything because the mere thought of them is excruciating? I’d be devastated . If I’d pulled that with my mum she’d have been like that’s fine, if you don’t want me at your dance shows or sports matches I’ll stop paying for them so you don’t have to go either!

agree with this. what a childish, ungrateful brat.

@Thedoorisalwaysopen
She is childish - because she is a child.
I think some of the replies to this thread are dreadful.

She’s 10!!

your last post changes everything, op, your kid has unwittingly triggered you because of your own childhood. You’re not your mother. Set yourself free. Your daughter was just being a little thoughtless

What a predictable post. I was waiting for it and it wasn't long. It's seen as dreadful to parent a child. How many of you on this thread are scared to parent your own child? They are not your friend as soon as they find their boyfriend/girlfriend you won't matter. Is that why some of you on here let their boyfriends/girlfriend live with you in case you lose your children. Gross

I bet this is more to do with the kids in her class, someone’s said something to her that’s made her feel embarrassed. They probably said it because they’re jealous you care so much but your daughter won’t see that. Kids can be really bloody mean and have a huge influence on social norms these days.

.

Finding your own parents embarrassing is a rite of passage and basically compulsory. I found my dad’s comedy antics and my mum’s insistence on talking with my friends an absolute cringeathon from about 11 on.But by sixth form I was proud of my dad’s pratting about making people laugh, and as a student/young adult happy to bring either parent along to an occasion with my friends as they’d shown that they could make decent conversation with them and show an interest. So it paid off in the end!

Don’t make the mistake of thinking this is about you, your behaviour etc - it’s about her learning self consciousness. And you’ve both suffered a loss recently which must be affecting things.

Having said that I’m wondering if what she said is code for “you speak to girls who aren’t very nice to me any more, and this upsets me/they take the piss out of me about it.” Maybe try to get a list of who are her current friends and who is Out!

I agree, I really didn't think people behaved this way towards their children.
It's a completely separate issue to people being too soft on kids or letting them be nasty or disrespectful, obviously people shouldnt parent like that but these people actually think kids should be shot down for saying anything, having any opinion or point of view.
Anything you do as a parent should be done with forethought and consideration on what kind of person you are teaching your child to be.
They are actively teaching them to not speak up for themselves, have poor self esteem, no confidence, that they don't matter, even worse that they are directing it towards a little girl who dared to speak to her mum.
There's no indication she said it in a rude way so of course she can speak to her mum about it.

@Orderofthephoenixparody
My children are adults with robust emotional health and emotional intelligence. That is because we listened to them and supported them. We didn't belittle them or get angry at them or punish them by withdrawing love and attention when they expressed their feelings to us - and yes, sometimes it was hard to listen to what they said.

So you see parenting as not allowing children to express how they feel? If your child causes you any discomfort, you shut them down immediately? Got it. Seems healthy. Perhaps some parents understand child development and don’t expect them to behave “perfectly” all of the time.

The boyfriend comment is completely irrelevant.

I read this post earlier. I had to quote it.
💯 agree.
I now see why so many MNers are no or low contact with their parents.
This thread is eye opening.

I think this is very normal behaviour for a person of her age. A long time ago but mine were like that. They grew out of it.

Don’t expect thanks as a parent from teens.. I feel you have a hard time coming!!! She’s been rude and owes you an apology. Equally I don’t think you should expect thanks from them for being their parent; and I also think you should detach your feelings of self worth from what your kids think of you as a mother…it’s not the definition of who you are. Your best is good enough whatever they think and I’m sure they love you. Xx

I've certainly realised there is some really horrible, draconian mothers out there who can't possibly have a good relationship with their children.
I am a firm parent who won't take shit but would never treat my child this way for simply saying she was embarrassed, it's sad.

Did you ever challenge your children? When they leave your home they will get challenged for what they say and do. I am noticing a lot of young adults these days tend to say and do and then think of the consequences after when they get challenged. Not everyone will agree with your children and they are allowed to their opinion as well.

Ah op I think it's very understandable to be hurt by that.

I haven't been in your shoes but I'm trying to think back to when I was that age and honestly I found my mum very embarrassing but we also didn't have a great relationship and she wouldn't have had a clue what was going on with me, and even now sometimes she embarasses be because she can be quite rude to people which i find hard to watch. But even then I think most of my embarrassment as a child came down to the pressure I felt to fit in and be thought well of by my peers. I didn't find that easy and always felt a bit awkward about everything. So it's possible this isn't actually a reflection on you at all and is actually more about her trying to fit in. It takes a LOT of self confidence to not care at that age. So while I understand you're upset, especially with wanting to have a different relationship with your kids than you had with your mum (this I really related to), I think you are right to look at the full picture and her wanting her independence etc. I would be inclined to sit down with her again and I'd tell her that you did find it hurtful because you love her and it's important to you that she feels proud of the family she's part of because that's part of who she is, but I'd ask her if there are things she needs from you to help with that. Eg if you're making effort with people who maybe have been mean to her at school - that's fair, but equally it means she needs to be coming to you and telling you what's happening in those relationships. It's easier for you to navigate her world if she is open with you. And then I'd tell her you're stepping back but it doesn't mean you're not available and when she needs you or wants you you'll be there.

I think it would be really easy to go down the route of punishing her, guilting her or reminding her of all the things you do for her. But ultimately we do those things because we're parents. It's what we signed up for and it's the basics that our kids deserve. I think there's a fine balance between teaching our kids to be appreciative of what they have, but not using it against them and weaponising it when it's our job as a parent to provide certain things. I don't think going down that route will actually help you any and I think it could damage your relationship further because what you're ultimately saying there is that you being a good and involved parent is conditional on her good behaviour and gratitude. Which it shouldn't be. I think connecting and trying to understand her is probably going to serve you better in this. Being a preteen is hard. You couldn't pay me all the money in the world to go back to those days.

I allow my children to express themselves I don't have to agree and I can challenge how they feel if I think it's wrong. The boyfriend comment is relevant when some of you on here defend it.