Im being pathetic as I’ve not even said anything You’re not being pathetic at all. You know that there will be consequences that you’ll have to deal with if you do say something, and you haven’t got the energy to deal with it today. That’s not you being pathetic.
I can’t cope with his inevitable ‘I’m so rubbish at everything’ downward spiral where I then have to pick him up. Sick of carrying the mental load for everything So you know he’s going to do the spiral thing again if it’s a habit. What would happen if you didn’t pick him up? What would happen if, the next time he’s complaining that he can’t get anything right, you say ‘You’re right. You’re not doing enough. I’m about an inch away from divorcing you, so you either buck your ideas up and start acting like a competent adult or you do what you usually do, curl up into a ball and weep until I lose the very last bit of love and respect I have left for you. Your choice, because I’m not pandering to you or pretending it doesn’t matter anymore’. Then walk out of the room and leave him to it.
He is a good man and a good dad, it’s just not enough Is he? A good man who can’t remember anything about what his partner likes eating? Or what wine she likes? How much attention is he paying to you? Someone who uses emotional blackmail at the slightest hint of criticism until you’re squashing down your frustration, comforting him and telling him that it’s ok he’s useless, because you’ll carry on doing everything? He sounds quite manipulative to me. And I’m not saying it’s intentional. I think it’s probably so ingrained that he truly believes he’s the victim in all of this and you’re the domineering woman who bullies him. Does he pull this crap at work? Would he tell his boss that he knew he was useless? Would he expect his boss to pander to him? Of course not. He’d be out on his ear. Does he do this with his friends? Or his family? No, I thought not. This is targeted at you.
I’m sure he’s perfectly pleasant and doesn’t beat you or scream at the DC. But that’s what a friend does. Or a casual boyfriend. Someone you wouldn’t expect to know the one type of pizza you don’t like to eat. Or what you like to drink. A husband and father needs to be doing more. He needs to be pulling his weight in every aspect of family and married life.
If he was doing everything else and you were swanning about having the life of Riley, maybe swishing a duster round once a week, then maybe you would be being a bit demanding. Is he doing everything else? I strongly suspect not.