To charge my MIL for childcare since she’s stopped helping halfway through the summer holidays?

[CookyPsych]

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU combo here really. MIL offered to do 3 days a week childcare over the summer hols to help us out as I’ve gone back to work FT. All smiles and “of course I’ll help” back in June. Great. We sorted everything round that.

Fast forward 2 wks in and she’s suddenly “too tired” (she’s 62 and quite fit tbh) and now only wants to do one day. No discussion, just dropped it on us Monday morning. DH is useless and doesn’t want to “rock the boat” 🙄

Cue me panicking and having to scrabble round for emergency nursery cover and begging favours off other mums. It’s cost us £300 already and that’ll keep rising. We wouldn’t have booked her in if MIL had stuck to what she agreed. Feel like we’re being taken for mugs.

WIBU to ask MIL to contribute to the cost? I’m not expecting full whack but surely if she pulled out of what she offered halfway through, she should at least chip in?

DH thinks I’m being harsh but I’m just knackered and stressed and feel like she’s left us in the lurch. Honest opinions pls before I actually say anything to her.

I'd say wait until you are 62 OP, I doubt you'd be so flippant about mil's tiredness then. There's a possibility that she also elderly parents to care for too.
It's unfortunate that she's told you at the last minute, but I suspect she's been reticent in turning it down until she's realised she had to.
You absolutely cannot charge her, how ungrateful and mercenary of you.

Your DH needs to take unpaid leave to care for your children or find an alternative.

No, I think MIL has behaved really poorly. Letting someone down like that is rubbish. I would not feel able to rely on her in the future. And would make sure she knows that.

We had this when I went back to work. MIL said she would do 2 days a week, then a few weeks in called us at 7pm the night before her day to tell us she wasn't doing it any more. No discussion, no warning. We had to scrabble around and get him in nursery asap. Obviously we were stuffed for that week. But no we didn't ask her for costs and you can't really, no matter how annoying and expensive it is. Just bare this in mind for any future childcare.

Of course YWBU!!!! It isn’t a god given right to have grandparents help. 3/5 working days a week is a hell of a lot of childcare for someone to provide.

9 pages and no sign of the OP. What’s with all the threads like this @mnhq?

Wowsers thought I'd seen it all. I am always amazed about people expecting grandparents, who by rights have done all their childrearing and making sacrifices for their own kids, to then continue that childrearing and sacrifice in their golden years when they are supposed to be enjoying life. Three days a week is A LOT. Stop being tight, put your hands in your pockets and pay for childcare like everyone else and be grateful she is doing a day for you and saving you money.
I would say it is unfair of her to drop you in it but I imagine she probably felt like she couldn't say no. There are plenty of holiday clubs about. It's much better for kids to be with other kids anyway. Aging grandparents are fine for a day but a bit boring after that. I'd never do it to my kids or my parents.

She offered!!!!

No, you can't ask. But I would be asking my DH to point out to her that it's fine she's changed her mind, but that it caused you quite a bit of additional stress because of the unexpected costs.
But I imagine he won't want to do this because he's not been inconvenienced by the whole thing. You need to make it more of his problem. Tell him the days you've covered already and tell him the rest are for him to sort out. Better yet, get a joint calendar or spreadsheet and say any remaining blanks are his responsibility to deal with.

Who's taking you for a mug? Your child who continuously expects to be looked after? The nerve!

Of course you can't ask your mil to pay for your childcare. Yes, it sucks that she thought she could help, but has realised she can't. But you still can't ask her to pay!

I can't believe this is a genuine question.

You would have had to pay for childcare all along if she had not offered. Yes, she dropped you in it at short notice and that's annoying, but she is entitled to change her mind, that doesn't mean she needs to cover the cost of YOUR childcare as a result.

Be thankful she is saving you the cost of one day at least.

I work four days and pay for four days nursery. My mum comes up almost once a week and takes baby out of nursery on those days. Win win as my mum
and baby develop an amazing relationship, but there’s no pressure on my mum to commit to the same day a week and she can also go on holiday when she pleases. It works perfectly and it doesn’t bother me paying for nursery days if baby isn’t there all day as it’s giving me the security to work knowing childcare is always covered. That’s how I view it anyway. My mum isn’t childcare she’s my baby’s granny!! Edited to say ps my mum lives 2 hours away

Good god! Of course you can’t “charge her for childcare”.

It’s the same as if someone said “I’d like to give you two thousand pounds”, and then had to backtrack to say “I’m sorry, I overcommitted and I can only afford to give you one thousand”.

You might be disappointed, you might not rely on them the same way in the future, but you reply “Thank you for the one thousand pounds/one day per week of childcare that you are still kindly giving us”

I love my 14 month old grandson and adore him. I am 67 and he tires me out and my husband helps also. I watch him if he is sick and can't go to daycare or she is in a pinch. Children are hard work.

Obviously you cannot charge her for childcare that is utterly outrageous. It's annoying that she has let you down but perhaps she was being kind but then realised it was too much. Perhaps be grateful you have one day a week free childcare?

YABU, you can’t charge her for your childcare costs, they are your children.
Its annoying but it really is down to you and your DH not your MIL
Also I’m guessing your not near 62 but as you say “im just knackered and stressed” so was your MIL, she is doing you a favour, I’d remember that

Wow, you really don't get it, do you !!

A lady of 62 has tried to provide 3 days a week childcare but has found it too much, so she's been honest & responsible, and reduced that to one day a week (still 20% off the bill) rather than over-reach herself, fall asleep while caring, or get distracted, and have an accident.

Try walking a mile in her shoes before leaping to foolish conclusions.

You absolutely can't expect your MIL to pay for your childcare for your children.

As others have already pointed out, it's care you'd have been paying for anyway if she'd said no from the outset.

From personal experience I think when you expect family members to help out with childcare arrangements, you need to expect it to fall through at times. This is one of those times.

Your husband should definitely be helping find alternative care though, that should be a shared burden.

This is a YOU problem, a favour is a favour and it was too much for her. Maybe she felt pressured into saying yes. Maybe she felt unappreciated. Maybe the children are hard work. Her age is irrelevant, I'm 50 and wouldn't agree to three days a week, we are all in charge of our own time.
I hope you can move past her letting you down at short notice and accept that you make the babies and you pay for the babies.

Yes but that’s too much, you shouldn’t except.

So she's been doing this for two weeks and realised she's more tired than she thought she would be. Well, it's annoying but not surprising that she's realised it's harder work than just having the odd evening of babysitting.

Kids are hard work as you well know OP. Because you've said you're knackered. So why is it surprising that a (fit) 62 year old would also be knackered?

Get your DH on the case for childcare. You work full time, so does he and it's his mum who is tired (unsurprisingly in my opinion). That way you won't be knackered too.

I'm 43 and would be too tired to do 3 days a week childcare, let along at 62.

It's frustrating that she can no longer do it, but it was a big undertaking in the first place. Of course you can't ask her for money.

'Only' one day? Still saves you a couple of hundred pounds by doing that. Of course you can't ask her for money. You sound incredibly entitled and completely unaware that you are already in a fortunate situation to have some free help. Honestly.

Oh OP, what a pain! What a silly woman she is.

You can't charge her as technically she doesn't owe you anything. I would not be doing a damn thing to help her in her old age though. After all, no one owes their mil elder care and she is not your responsibility.

YABU. I see family helping with childcare as a favour, not free labour so it's on their terms not yours. That's why I forked out for paid childcare.