To charge my MIL for childcare since she’s stopped helping halfway through the summer holidays?

[CookyPsych]

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU combo here really. MIL offered to do 3 days a week childcare over the summer hols to help us out as I’ve gone back to work FT. All smiles and “of course I’ll help” back in June. Great. We sorted everything round that.

Fast forward 2 wks in and she’s suddenly “too tired” (she’s 62 and quite fit tbh) and now only wants to do one day. No discussion, just dropped it on us Monday morning. DH is useless and doesn’t want to “rock the boat” 🙄

Cue me panicking and having to scrabble round for emergency nursery cover and begging favours off other mums. It’s cost us £300 already and that’ll keep rising. We wouldn’t have booked her in if MIL had stuck to what she agreed. Feel like we’re being taken for mugs.

WIBU to ask MIL to contribute to the cost? I’m not expecting full whack but surely if she pulled out of what she offered halfway through, she should at least chip in?

DH thinks I’m being harsh but I’m just knackered and stressed and feel like she’s left us in the lurch. Honest opinions pls before I actually say anything to her.

Why do you think it's a shitty thing to do? Surely better to speak up once she realised than try and cope and become unwell!

She offered but has found it too tiring. I am guessing you have toddlers, and they are exhausting. MiL was doing you a favour and has discovered that it is too much for her. They are your DC. Tell DH to sort it - not with MiL but the childcare. You shouldn't have relied on this but suggested that she maybe do one day a week if she wanted to help out. You can't ask her for money, she was doing you a big favour. But has discovered she can't.

I would never ask any family member to do 3 days a week childcare. That’s too much. You are unreasonable even to ask!

By her cancelling last minute had it cost you more?
other than the fact she’s not providing it for free

If my childcare for the summer was £300 I would be happy, ours is way more than that, and we have 1 day a week MIL help. Do I expect more = no. Are you able CF = absolutely!

There’s been a lot in the news about grandparents worried about the cost of entertaining grandchildren in the summer hols- could that be a factor if you think tiredness is not the real reason. Although she may be fairly fit, in my experience grandparents tend to go over and above with attention/keeping kids busy than we would and now I’ve reached the grand old age of 42 def starting to feel less energy so have a little more sympathy for a 62 yr old.

have you talked about compromises that could work like 3 mornings or afternoons/ splitting the days so she has a day to recover in between if she’d be open to it? Can she help you out an extra day if you do get stuck on the odd occasion or just a blanket no??

But no you have no right to ask her to fund your childcare and she can change her mind now she knows how hard it is.

Your MiL is still caring for your DC one day a week. You should be thanking her not getting angry. She obviously found more days too tiring but she tried. The cost of DC is your cost not your MiL's.

Completely this…..

'Of course I' ll help' sounds like she was asked to help out rather than offered.
Have you or husband asked why she is so tired? Or considered she may be ill?

Yes, it not great that she has reduced her offer of help. It has caused you stress and money.

I don't think you can charge her for childcare.
Many people don't have relatives to help out with childcare. Grannies now have to work until they are 67 or 68.

Did your mother volunteer to childmind over the holidays?

I'm 55 and I have absolutely no idea how I had the energy to raise two kids, I am in awe of the energy I must have had back then!

Your energy tails off sharply at a certain age, as you will one day discover....

I wouldn't leave my child in the lurch at a days notice but I don't blame her for realising she doesn't have the energy.

If you ask her to pay you can guarantee she will never offer a favour again and you will come across as entitled and grabby. She probably has no concept of how hard it is to find childcare at short notice, so at best you could explain that, and ask her if she would be able to reconsider and do a few days until you get something else sorted.

But your husband should step up. I'd be tempted to just leave for work with a cheery wave and let him sort childcare.

Good God, absolutely not. Your kids, your financial responsibility.

She shouldn't have agreed then left you in the lurch. Changing her mind at the last minute was really shitty. You can't charge her though. Childcare is your responsibility.

Organise childcare now and the future. Now you know you can't trust her word and can prepare accordingly. Expect nothing from her and don't feel you have to put yourself out for her in future.

Exactly. I assume they’re his kids too?

I sincerely hope OP is trolling. Surely no one is this entitled?

She wanted to help and has found it too much. She is still doing what she can.

Realise it is a stress to sort but give mil a break. Did your dh even clarify what "of course I'll help' entailed back in June? Or was it assumed she would do whatever was needed? 3 days a week is a big ask.

Yes you are being unreasonable it’s your child!

I suspect she made the offer in good faith, envisaging calm, peaceful, loving bonding time with her grandchildren. However, as you say you're looking for nursery care, I assume you have young, and therefore, energetic and lively, children, and the reality of looking after them is far from the expectation she had. It's a very different experience to a couple of hours to let parents have some time together, or to run errands or whatever, or a bit of evening babysitting.

How many threads do we see on here, where mums, much younger than the OP's MIL, are exhausted from looking after young children? I'm not surprised she finds it too much to have responsibility for two young children for what is presumably 10-12 hours a day, three days a week (OP said she works full time, so I assume that it'll be 10-12 hours from drop off to pick up).

I can understand that it is frustrating and infuriating to suddenly have your childcare plans fall apart, but she IS offering one day a week, which is more that a lot of parents get from family. It would have been helpful if she could have given you a decent amount of notice, but she definitely shouldn't be paying any of your childcare bill.

Is this a reverse? It’s your responsibility. 3 days a week is a massive amount and perhaps she shouldn’t have offered but you must have wondered if it was realistic.

surely it’s the last minute change and panic to find childcare that is stressing you, rather than the cost? I get that it’s hard at short notice but you still get a day a week. Next time don’t let her overcommit.

MN Rage bait - good one OP 👏

Yes she is entitled to change her mind but it’s still a dick move to do it that way and leave them scrambling.

She comes across as one of those MILs who say they want to help because they see their friends with their grandkids and would get offended if OP said don’t worry we will send them to daycare then she faces reality and drops them so quickly with no notice.

As OP said “she offered”, OP didn’t force her to help with the kids.

she shouldn’t have committed so they could have sorted themselves out rather than commit then back out without notice.

At least OP now knows she can’t be dependable and I would expect her to stop the one day at some point as well.

@CookyPsych i don’t think you are really serious about charging her and you’re just venting out of frustration but yes she was ridiculous to offer then leave you in a lurch, unfortunately there ain’t anything you can do about it except learn your lesson not to depend on her in the future.

You can’t charge her but that’s really bad of her to drop you in it. I wouldn’t let her cover any holidays again, even if she begs you.

You’re knackered and stressed?? Yeah so is she, but they’re not her kids.

She left you both in the lurch. But only one of you has stepped up to do anything about it.

Your DH sounds like he’s a big fan of ‘wife work for the little wife with her little pin money job and it doesn’t affect me because I’m a Big Important Man’.

Carry on with the childcare and step in quick if they have a space available for the one day mil is still doing because she’ll let you down with that day too.

Money? I’m sure it’s going to cost a fortune but it’ll be worth it.

And use this knowledge going forward, adjust your expectations with her. And she can adjust hers with you.

I don’t think it is a case of OP expecting her MIL to do childcare but rather that the MIL offered. OP has missed out on block booking weeks of clubs etc that usually work out cheaper and now many of them might be full up. I am 10 years older than OPs MIL and am quite booked up with looking with looking after grandchildren this summer holiday. Personally, I think having promised, the MIL should try a bit harder. Of course the MIL will get tired but grandchildren are wonderful. I don’t think OP can ask her MIL for money but under these circumstances I would offer. After the holidays the OP should book full weeks for future holidays and not use her MIL.
And like other posters, I ask why OP’s husband isn’t running around trying to arrange childcare.

This