DP drove in to my car this morning. I feel conflicted on his paying for the damage to be repaired

[Helpagirlyout]

I don't know if my judgement is being clouded. Been with DP 10 years. Things have been up and down lately. Mostly down, but more up the last 2 weeks or so.

DP has had a terrible day. First thing this morning he reversed in to my car and his van at the same time. He was in his car, and attempted to manoeuvre between the two vehicles, obviously misjudged it and hit both. There's a scrape up the side if his van, my car has paint scraped off the rear quarter, and his car is dented, scratched and paint removed on opposite corners. He came and told me straight away and the damage to all three vehicles is quite significant. His car is worst off (his pride and joy).

He went to work and got a quote to have mine resprayed (mates rates) and it was £275. Money he doesn't really have at the moment.

Then driving home, he drove over a huge screw and he needs a new tyre.

Then he has another inconvenience (fortunately not financial, but a real blow to him).

This all comes a few days after an unexpected bill he received.

My car is obviously damaged but completely drive able (my car is worth probably £5k, it's old but in great condition). He now needs to have his tyre replaced first if all which I totally agree with. But what to do about my paintwork? Do I let him off because I feel huge anxiety about him not doing well financially (his fault, he's trying to pay down his credit cards he's run up being stupid) or do I insist it's done because it was technically his fault and it will affect the value of my car. I could wait as it's not urgent.

What should I do?

YABU - Don't make him pay, it was a mistake
YANBU - He should pay to have it repaired, it wasn't my fault

You’ve been with him 10 years and don’t have joint finances ?

Honestly if you can afford to write off the debt I would..is it really worth it if he's struggling? Maybe agree to covering 50% each

Posted too soon. I mean you can ‘insist’ he pays to have your car fixed but is that the actions of a loving partner ? Only you can answer that really

No we don't. There is a huge backstory there. We keep separate finances.

I know different couples do things differently but I just find this odd. Surely it's a family expense and you decide together what the priorities are in terms of repairing the vehicles and what can be afforded and go from there. Your post makes it sound as if you live separate lives.

I assume he is not very good with money so better you don’t have joint finances

I wonder why he needs two vehicles? Why are your finances separate? If the work needs doing can you pay upfront and he pays you back after his next payday?

It's totally his fault. Course you shouldn't have to pay and it should be done so you're not driving round with a scraped car.

BUT. Assuming that after 10y together you're a family and share a house etc. isn't it all just family money & it doesn't really matter where it comes from? If so I'd just pay it.

However if you still have separate finances (probably a good thing if he's got CC debt) then yes, he should be offering to pay, either now or pay you back once he's recouped from the tyre.

We do live separate lives financially @pinotnow. Shared expenses such as mortgage, shopping, bills etc are split equally.
No @crumblingschools he's not very good with money but has kept me very financially suppressed for many years too which is why I'm reluctant to let this go.
He currently has five vehicles of his own. I have one car.

Tell him if he can't afford to pay to have your car repaired to sell as many of his vehicles as it takes to raise the funds. If he's normally shit with money, which you've indicated he is, you're simply supporting his bad habits if you let him off of this, and perhaps it will teach him to be more bloody careful too! Who hits TWO parked vehicles? Sounds like he's a shit driver as well as shit with money!

*Financially opressed I should have said. Sorry, tired!

It's her boyfriend or girlfriend, not husband.

Of course he should pay! If he can't afford it, he can claim on his insurance.

Why on earth has he 5 vehicles? Tell him to sell a couple to help clear his debts!

He keeps you financially oppressed - you mean financial abuse or something close?

You should be insisting on the payment, then. You should possibly drive your repainted car away from this relationship, too.

Utterly ridiculous that he’s taxing and insuring 5 vehicles when he’s got no money. He’s significantly damaged your car. I would expect him to figure out how he’s going to get it fixed in the near future.

And yes, why are you with someone who has kept you financially oppressed?!

Regardless of whether you have joint finances or not, I can't imagine making my partner pay for this when he also has to pay for repairs on his cars and isn't in the best position financially. It just doesn't seem like a very kind or supportive way to behave!

If he hadn't offered to pay and if he wasn't focused on repaying CC debt then I might think differently!

A third option would be you paying for the respray with him paying you back when he can.

He has 5 cars?

it doesn’t sound like he’s unable to pay, just unwilling to give up his toys to afford life.

I think you have to stop thinking of him as financially hard up and remind yourself his situation is a reflection of his priorities.

Would it be fair to say he could afford to pay his way and not push expenses off on you if he wasn’t a selfish child with his money? If so, I would insist on him paying (and would not be overly keen on waiting). But I’d also be reconsidering the relationship entirely.

This looks like it’s one of these situations where the question is so much larger than a paint job dilemma. Why are you carrying so much emotional worry for him?

Difficult one, on which nobody can advise without knowing the whole backstory.

Perhaps a good compromise would be to live with a dented car for a time (it really doesn’t matter), until he can afford to have it fixed. Unless of course he’s fixing both his own first without bothering with yours.

I had the same thing last month - wife crashed into one of my parked vehicles, destroying a light cluster. I wasn’t that bothered, but don’t worrry she said, she’ll organise getting it fixed straight away.

Only later did I see she’d paid with my card.

Made me laugh actually. 🙄😀

He should pay, he can sell a car if needed. You feel sorry for him because he seems helpless but he’s not he has the means to pay he’d just prefer not to.

Good for you, sounds like he's a financial train wreck.

Make him pay. Then leave him.

I would ask him to pay. It's his choice to remain not very good with money. There are a lot of resources out there.

Besides if he sells one or more vehicles then he is less likely to damage your car in the future. And he will have more money to put towards his debts as he will have less rego and insurance expenses.