DP drove in to my car this morning. I feel conflicted on his paying for the damage to be repaired

[Helpagirlyout]

I don't know if my judgement is being clouded. Been with DP 10 years. Things have been up and down lately. Mostly down, but more up the last 2 weeks or so.

DP has had a terrible day. First thing this morning he reversed in to my car and his van at the same time. He was in his car, and attempted to manoeuvre between the two vehicles, obviously misjudged it and hit both. There's a scrape up the side if his van, my car has paint scraped off the rear quarter, and his car is dented, scratched and paint removed on opposite corners. He came and told me straight away and the damage to all three vehicles is quite significant. His car is worst off (his pride and joy).

He went to work and got a quote to have mine resprayed (mates rates) and it was £275. Money he doesn't really have at the moment.

Then driving home, he drove over a huge screw and he needs a new tyre.

Then he has another inconvenience (fortunately not financial, but a real blow to him).

This all comes a few days after an unexpected bill he received.

My car is obviously damaged but completely drive able (my car is worth probably £5k, it's old but in great condition). He now needs to have his tyre replaced first if all which I totally agree with. But what to do about my paintwork? Do I let him off because I feel huge anxiety about him not doing well financially (his fault, he's trying to pay down his credit cards he's run up being stupid) or do I insist it's done because it was technically his fault and it will affect the value of my car. I could wait as it's not urgent.

What should I do?

YABU - Don't make him pay, it was a mistake
YANBU - He should pay to have it repaired, it wasn't my fault

What so she should suck it up and pay it herself? Why?

Because he’s just a poor little man who doesn’t need to face any consequences for his actions.

Who just happens to have also financially oppressed op during their relationship…

In my long term relationship, his problem is our problem. I wouldn’t make him pay on an old car you’re likely to run down to the ground. It’s cosmetic and presumably you can take that offer to respray at any time?

Sounds like he’s going through a tough time, I wouldn’t be making to look it tougher. At the least I’d let it lie for now and come back to it in a few months once it’s settled.

Are you thinking of ending things? All long term relationships have ups and downs. Hence vows “for better or worse”. It’s about riding the storms together.

@SunnySideDeepDown He owns five vehicles and has kept her financially oppressed for years. He can sell a couple of the vehicles and pay for the damage he caused.

I suspect the backstory would put everyone clear. To me this is ‘dp you have 5 cars, I have one and you’ve banged into it. Fix it please, you can always sell a car if you’re short.’

A scraped car seems to be the least of your worries after 10 years of financial oppression.

YANBU Of course he should pay, he caused damage to your car and sounds like potentially he could’ve written off two more( that’s not the point)
you’re married and don’t share finances and I’m guessing have a joint account.
He should pay up and seek an outlet to manage his stress

Tell him to sell a couple of the cars then he wouldn’t have hit them in the first place
Tbh He sounds like a car obsessed teenager but he’s not and I wouldn’t reached my breaking point after 10 years of this sort of shit

Exactly. I feel like I’m reading a different thread to some people. Or perhaps they aren’t bothering to read the OP’s updates…I’m hoping it’s the latter because I can’t anyone would read about a feckless partner who is awful with money and who has financially oppressed their other half and think ‘oh gosh, he’s having a tough time, best cut him some slack…’

My first thought was why doesn’t he sell one of the 5 vehicles, but second one is why not call insurance company? £250 excess & all 3 cars get repaired? ( I work in insurance) Job solved!

Does he have insurance?
He needs to claim. If he is comp, he gets the benefit of getting his and your repairs done .
That's got to be worth it.
.

Why now should you be expected to be sympathetic to his financial situation when it sounds like previously he has only wished to control yours. Also, I’m sure he had plenty of time to improve his financial situation when he was financially abusing you. The fact he didn’t take that opportunity and sort himself out doesn’t mean he gets a free pass on being responsible now.

How on earth can he afford to run 5 vehicles if he’s so much in debt ? Surely he should sell some to cover the debt?

If he has five vehicles, he can sell one or two and pay to have your car fixed! That's ridiculous.

He has 5 cars? He can streamline that and pay for your car to be repaired.

in what way is he financially oppressing you?

In this case, I would get him to pay. I would also end the relationship.

@doggydaydreams my DH and I have been happily married for over 30 years, we have always had separate finances, never had a joint account. My DS1 has a girlfriend, not living together yet, but intend too, they have a joint account already. Perhaps we are old fashioned.

She wasn’t asking for an assessment of her finances. It’s extremely common not to have joint finances these days. I’ve been married for 15 years and don’t have joint finances.

Also, the OP clearly states that he’s in debt and is bad with money - why would anyone in their right mind pool finances with someone like that?

Lol been with DH for 26 years and we never EVER had joint finances, and I am drilling the kids to never do it! The day you mix money with your relationship it is the start of your problems. That is (and was) a very smart idea OP.

In that case, he pays for your car.

Why are you still with him? Did you work things out?

I think that’s a very weird approach to life. You’ll share children with a person but not a bank account?

It’s not your role as a woman to make him feel bigger and better. I’m sure this is the tip of a fucking mammoth iceberg.

If he can't afford it, you can claim off his insurance for your car. That's why he has insurance. He won't pay his excess unless he claims for the damage to his vehicle so won't cost him anything except potential increase in his premium next year. But if he doesn't want that to happen, maybe he needs to be more careful. And if he can afford 5 cars, he can afford the insurance increase.

This completely changes my feelings on it.
I was all for, sort it out between you both, and stop making an even bigger issue out of a crap suitation. But given this little nugget, make him pay to sort it all, ASAP.

Yes, he should pay. If he doesn't have the money, put it through his insurance