DP drove in to my car this morning. I feel conflicted on his paying for the damage to be repaired

[Helpagirlyout]

I don't know if my judgement is being clouded. Been with DP 10 years. Things have been up and down lately. Mostly down, but more up the last 2 weeks or so.

DP has had a terrible day. First thing this morning he reversed in to my car and his van at the same time. He was in his car, and attempted to manoeuvre between the two vehicles, obviously misjudged it and hit both. There's a scrape up the side if his van, my car has paint scraped off the rear quarter, and his car is dented, scratched and paint removed on opposite corners. He came and told me straight away and the damage to all three vehicles is quite significant. His car is worst off (his pride and joy).

He went to work and got a quote to have mine resprayed (mates rates) and it was £275. Money he doesn't really have at the moment.

Then driving home, he drove over a huge screw and he needs a new tyre.

Then he has another inconvenience (fortunately not financial, but a real blow to him).

This all comes a few days after an unexpected bill he received.

My car is obviously damaged but completely drive able (my car is worth probably £5k, it's old but in great condition). He now needs to have his tyre replaced first if all which I totally agree with. But what to do about my paintwork? Do I let him off because I feel huge anxiety about him not doing well financially (his fault, he's trying to pay down his credit cards he's run up being stupid) or do I insist it's done because it was technically his fault and it will affect the value of my car. I could wait as it's not urgent.

What should I do?

YABU - Don't make him pay, it was a mistake
YANBU - He should pay to have it repaired, it wasn't my fault

I don’t share finances with my DP of 10 years either. Got a mortgage and bills and contribute equal amounts but all money going into a ‘pot’ makes us boak. No need for it and even less need with someone irresponsible with money!!

I’d not make my DP pay for an accident but yours sounds like a spoilt brat who won’t prioritise financial security so I’d not be bankrolling a fuckwit like that sorry.

If hes got 5 cars he can afford to sell one and fix your car, or go through his insurance. If he didnt offer to pay itd be game over for the relationship for me.

In what ways is he financially suppressing you? Is it his control, or more that he’s a low earner and spends all his money on 5 vehicles that he doesn’t take care of, so he can’t match your lifestyle?

Of course he pays. He can sell one of his too many cars.

It really depends on the details of how he has been financially suppressing you. Me and DP have semi shared finances, we keep some and share some. If he was struggling I'd absolutely pay and not put it on him but then our relationship is fairly healthy. Your circumstances sound different?

I was thinking initially to let it go,but when you mentioned he has five cars.I would insist on him selling a car, in order that you have the finances to repair the damaged he has caused to both your cars.He cannot really think he can damage cars and it's ok,when it's just not ok!

Lots of strange aspects to this- 5 vehicles and financially oppressed? It sounds like he should pay because it sounds like the backstory is all about weirdness around money

I suppose in any other circumstances I would say dont even get it repaired, mine has a few bangs and dings and scrapes.

Im always struck when we visit cities abroad, mainly Spain and Italy and many of their cars have scrapes and dings on them, going through narrow streets I suppose, they obviously dont jump to get them repaired for small things like that.

But then you say he has 5 cars, should really sell one if he is struggling for money but you've probably had these conversations.

Would he make you pay if it was the other way round?

I suspect that he has more money still makes you pay 50/50 even though you do more of everything else

he should just pay - because you know he would if it is the other way round

is he trying not too?

He currently has five vehicles of his own. I have one car.

He has five vehicles and loads of debt? In this case I'd make him pay.

I voted YABu but having seen your update about his owning 5 cars, he can pay.

I would have said the same, until I read that he has FIVE cars and loads of debt. He doesn't need to be in a terrible financial situation, he just doesn't want to get rid of a few cars!

Things have been up and down lately. Mostly down, but more up the last 2 weeks or so.

I had to re read this three times

wtf

a decade together and “mostly down”
depressing

He needs to pay for his tyre, then yours and then whatever else.

He also needs to learn to drive.

No we don't. There is a huge backstory there. We keep separate finances.

and I suspect the backstory is a little bit relevant to this thread

Any children caught up in this “mostly down” decade long relationship?

You would sound happier without him at all.

but absoluteky make him pay.

Yes he should pay. As others have said he needs to claim on his insurance if he has no money (unless there is an issue here and he doesn't have any). You also pointed out he has 5 cars. Is that why he hit yours and his van as there are simply too many vehicles to navigate?! I am intrigued at where he stores them all. I agree that he could be selling one of these to make up any short fall.

One consideration however is if you live together be careful that debts are not linked to you. You might not be as financially independent from his as you think.

I would ask him to pay for damages when he is financially able to do so. Think of it on the reverse, if you done that to his pride and joy as you say, would be just pay to have it repaired from his own pocket or expected you to pay? I think it depends really on the dynamic of your relationship.

I wouldn't see him struggle in order to fix cosmetic damage. I would pay and expect to be paid back if I felt strongly about it.

Having read a couple of your other threads, id strongly suggest going to speak to your GP too.

Yes me too

there’s quite a bit more to all this

Yes he needs to fix your car 🤷‍♀️

You don’t think he might struggle less with fewer than 5 cars?

There is no way he intends to pay it back. Op has got a second job to make up for his feckless financial behaviour. His attitude is clearly she bails him out.

he can always sell a car or two.

I'm the same as you OP, we have been together 12 years and we split all bills but that's as far as joint finances go. What would he have done if you had caused the damage to one of his cars? I think I can answer that, he would expect you to pay.

Maybe to lighten the load a little you could offer to get it done and he could pay you back at a later date or instalments if he is struggling at the minute.