DP drove in to my car this morning. I feel conflicted on his paying for the damage to be repaired

[Helpagirlyout]

I don't know if my judgement is being clouded. Been with DP 10 years. Things have been up and down lately. Mostly down, but more up the last 2 weeks or so.

DP has had a terrible day. First thing this morning he reversed in to my car and his van at the same time. He was in his car, and attempted to manoeuvre between the two vehicles, obviously misjudged it and hit both. There's a scrape up the side if his van, my car has paint scraped off the rear quarter, and his car is dented, scratched and paint removed on opposite corners. He came and told me straight away and the damage to all three vehicles is quite significant. His car is worst off (his pride and joy).

He went to work and got a quote to have mine resprayed (mates rates) and it was £275. Money he doesn't really have at the moment.

Then driving home, he drove over a huge screw and he needs a new tyre.

Then he has another inconvenience (fortunately not financial, but a real blow to him).

This all comes a few days after an unexpected bill he received.

My car is obviously damaged but completely drive able (my car is worth probably £5k, it's old but in great condition). He now needs to have his tyre replaced first if all which I totally agree with. But what to do about my paintwork? Do I let him off because I feel huge anxiety about him not doing well financially (his fault, he's trying to pay down his credit cards he's run up being stupid) or do I insist it's done because it was technically his fault and it will affect the value of my car. I could wait as it's not urgent.

What should I do?

YABU - Don't make him pay, it was a mistake
YANBU - He should pay to have it repaired, it wasn't my fault

So the car itself isn’t the main issue, there are actually much wider problems affecting the whole relationship?

He needs to pay. He has 5 vehicles so he had the money for it

I think the financial oppression is key here. If he was in all other ways a good husband, but just crap with money, rather than actually being mean with you (while owning 5 cars) I would say, go halves with him.

But the financial oppression is the thing. He can't be mean with you and negatively affect your life that way, and then expect you to bail him out. So yes, obviously him getting the new tyre comes first. But then NEXT is him fixing your car. Before he fixes his own. Because that is what he'd expect if the roles had been reversed and you'd driven into him.

And I think you'll have to get the garage booked to fix it too, because otherwise, he'll put it off and put it off until he no longer feels he needs to pay for it.

Why is that the thing to jump on.

I've been with DH 20 years, married 10. His finances are complex and we don't have joint accounts as then I don't need to also pay an accountant.

Makes even less sense if not married.....

This! Who the hell has 5 vehicles when they can’t even afford to replace a tyre! He needs to sell one and start paying his way.

What do you mean he's kept you financially suppressed?

Okay just seen youeant financially oppressed but does that a really mean in real terms? What is he doing g?

“Tecnically his fault”??

Does it need doing now? Can tou just cover it for now and he pays you back in the future when its not such a struggle.

Sounds like he would “forget” about it and just leave it like. Plus what about rust?

I don't think it was the OP who was worrying her partner had dementia, she just commented on that thread.

Yeah, I've been married to a man like that. The impetus of immediacy was what was needed for bills. Putting them off just meant I never got paid back. Telling him I needed his half (or whatever) to pay the actual bill NOW was the only thing that worked.

Massive drip feed OP. He keeps you very financially oppressed? Make him pay then dump him. Due to the financial abuse not the car. He can sell one of his FIVE vehicles to pay you.

OP, your partner sounds like a total loser.
He is not struggling with money if he has five vehicles, he's just choosing to prioritise them over you and his debt.
He could sell at least three of them and repair your car.

You are killing yourself working two jobs and he's having a go at you for not getting up with the kids and making their lunches when you've been up working until 1am. He's criticising you about how you look when you're exhausted.
He's financially abused you.

Stop letting him manipulate you and make sure he gets your car sorted. He's taking the piss.
Then please consider driving away from him!
You deserve so much better.

You wouldn't let a random stranger off paying out if they'd damaged your car then spun you a sob story about all their other current woes and costs @Helpagirlyout would you? If they couldn't stump up the cash you'd go through insurance. That's what I'd do here.

Sorry to say OP I think what's happened with the car is a red herring. The real issue is that he is a fucking liability. I have been with blokes like this. He dumps his problems at your doorstep and they become your problems. Your problems remain your problems.

This doesn't get better over time, I'm afraid. It grinds you down financially and emotionally. It's not worth it.

A fourth option would be him selling four out of the five vehicles he owns and stepping up to be a bit more financially responsible.

If he has 5 cars, why does he need to replace the tyre straight away? Apart from the fact it’s his pride and joy.

You have one car. That has been damaged and needs paintwork done. Yes it can wait. Up to a point (See the rust).

Im Wondering if there isn’t also a pattern of his needs always coming first and yours last tbh. And if he doesn’t act as if you’re basically a mug.

Also Wondering how much of you is afraid that standing up to him and asking him to pay for the paintwork NOW is going to blow up. And end in a divorce.

You need to look at the whole picture really. And just now, it sounds like it’s more about whether the relationship is worth saving or not. And whether it’s worth taking the risk of everything blowing up.

he financially oppressed you and there is a backstory? What exactly does he bring to the party?

Why are you even with him? 5 vehicles, debt and shit with money, he is a train wreck and the best bit has kept you oppressed with money.
My god if I had never had a relationship before and someone told me this was normal, I'd stay a life long singleton.

Don't let him off but maybe sort it next month. Its not effecting your mobility at the moment.

But there are bigger issues re paying down cc when he has so many vehicles. short term he needs to get rid to 2 max - one work and one personal, that will save him a fortune and enable him to pay down the cc's

Let him claim on his insurance
Or he can sell one of his other vehicles.....

I would expect him to pay for it, but it doesn’t have to be tomorrow. I drove around for a year with damage to my car until I could afford to pay for it (unfortunately caused by a windstorm, not another driver). It sounds like he has a history of being a bit reckless and not taking responsibility for it. You have to be driving like a bit of an idiot, sorry, to damage not one, but two cars pulling out of a parking space.

He needs to pay for the damage he caused.

I agree with the posters - he pays, but not just yet.