To not want MIL to “redo” our baby’s name with her priest?

[Bobcomp]

Bit of a weird one. MIL is super Catholic, we’re not religious at all. DH was raised that way but doesn’t really practise anymore. We had a low-key christening for DD (2mo) at our local church - not mega religious, just more of a naming and welcome thing really. We chose her name together - it’s a bit modern but nothing out there. MIL smiled through gritted teeth at the time but didn’t say much.

Fast forward to now - she’s apparently gone and spoken to her priest (very traditional Catholic church she still goes to), and arranged for him to do a “proper” blessing in a couple of weeks. Only she’s told us she’ll be using DD’s middle name during it, because “it’s more suitable for a Christian child” and “closer to the saints”.

She says it’s not a big deal - that it’s just a personal thing between her and God and she’s not trying to change anything officially. But it feels really off to me. She’s literally taking it upon herself to get our daughter re-blessed with a different name because she doesn’t like the one we picked.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line? Like she’s trying to override us or pretend she’s the one naming our child? I don’t want this to turn into some weird power thing where she starts calling DD by her middle name and acting like that’s her “real” name.

Also worth saying - she didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”.

AIBU to think this is weird as hell and not ok? Or should I just ignore it and let her have her moment? It’s messing with my head more than it probably should.

A few people have asked — quite reasonably — why we had DD christened if neither DH nor I are religious.

Totally fair question. The short version is: it was about tradition and family, not belief.

Longer version: I was raised loosely Church of England — not devout by any stretch, but I grew up going to the village church at Christmas, weddings, funerals, etc. It’s where we were married. My parents are fairly relaxed but quietly spiritual, and they asked gently if we’d consider a christening. It felt like a way to include them, acknowledge that wider family/community feeling, and mark our daughter’s arrival with something meaningful, even if we aren’t regular churchgoers. It was personal, warm, and completely on our terms.

None of that justifies MIL deciding she gets a do-over with a new name and a new priest. That’s not about God. That’s about control.

For what it’s worth, the C of E vicar who christened our daughter was wonderful — kind, low-key, and made it very clear that the christening was also about welcoming her into a community of care, not indoctrination. That felt right.

DH, as I’ve said, is technically Catholic by upbringing but hasn’t practiced since childhood. His view was, “If it means something to your family and not mine, let’s go with it.” He’s fully on board now that he’s seen just how far his mum was willing to go behind our backs.

We’re still waiting for the fallout from MIL. She hasn’t called or messaged since DH spoke to her earlier and told her (very firmly) that it’s not happening and that she’s massively overstepped.

I’m torn between relief and dread. But mostly I’m proud that we’ve stood our ground and grateful to all of you for giving me the language and clarity to do it.

Will update again if the martyrdom goes nuclear 🙃

wow what an over step and lying to a priest im sure that will fo down well

I haven't read the whole thread. I read the OP and the first thing that came to mind was OMG your MIL is a reincarnation of Ivy Tilsley. Those of a certain age who watched Corrie will understand.😂

I would speak to the priest and cancel it. Tell them it was arranged without your consent and there will not be any further arrangements or discussion.
If MIL says it’s not that big a deal, then she won’t mind 🤷🏼‍♀️
Her own relationship with God it hers alone.
Do not let her overstep this boundary. It’s a sign of things to come. Your husband can discuss it with her if needed, but ultimately YOUR child means YOUR decision.

Ok well it was a bit of a F U to MIL then given that’s she is very religious and your parents are not really
;)

His view was, “If it means something to your family and not mine, let’s go with it.”

Is this not the same as your MIL though? Yes, she’s gone about it in a very clumsy way, which really isn’t great, but why are your parents wishes more valid than hers?

It begins here with the naming, what’s next on her list….choosing the ‘right’ schooling, Church involvement, and so it will evolve. Jump in stop this right now! Your child, your say.

It’s a firm no from me to allowing the MIL to rebrand DD ‘in the name of god’. Jesus wept, I’ll have a puff of what she’s smoking though. Strong stuff.

Absofuckinglutely not would be my reaction. No way would I go with this. Your religious choices for your child are yours. I would not let my child anywhere near a bloody Catholic Church. She can fuck right off. Do not put up with this as it will be the start of her having control over lots of other things.

@Bobcomp well done!! 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Rtft or at least see all

Hopefully Father Liam brings backup when chatting with MIL. He's in my prayers.

I would have let her crack on with it IF she had asked my consent for it on the basis of how much it meant to her (my MIL would have lain awake at night thinking of the fires of hell lapping the baby's soul if any Grandchild of hers had not had a Catholic baptism). The lack of consent would be the issue for me, and not something I'd turn a blind eye to, as it's an attitude towards you that needs to be nipped in the bud from the get go.

I'm always curious about why non-religious people choose to have their children christened. It requires adults involved to affirm their own Christian beliefs and intention to raise them in the Church. So the parents and godparents actually lie in church? Why not just a knees-up naming ceremony at the pub?

Just read your update. Glad you’ve both stood your ground together. Thankfully, MIL can always say a prayer for you all 😉

You could’ve just had a party. Very odd that you had your daughter christened if you are so against religion that you call it indoctrination. I’m also not religious so didn’t christen my child.

yes but you knew about it and agreed to it.

I was once in similar situation as you OP, with an unbearable ex-MIL who saw anyone’s boundary as challenge to trample all over. She loved control and power and in fairness she did it to everyone but gave me a special kind of hell because I wouldn’t allow her to control me or my child.

When a similar kind of christening was proposed for my child, it was done without my consent, knowledge or input. I am agnostic and my ex-partner was atheist but he allowed his mother to behave in this way unchallenged.

I learned people will only wilfully and repeatedly disrespect my boundaries if I let them. I refused to let that happen and I ultimately left the relationship.

I fear not nipping things like this in the bud will lead to other disrespectful behaviour and you will pay with your happiness. Your husband also needs to support you on this, if not you need a serious discussion about boundaries and family dynamics.

Stand firm by your beliefs and boundaries and simple call to the priest explaining the situation should suffice. As for your MIL, the phrase “No, is a complete sentence” comes to mind!

Good luck OP!

Good for you, DH, and Father Liam.

because her parents ASKED and didn't arrange things behind their backs

I’m with @Dontbeme poor Father Liam should be sent strength. I suspect he will have come across this nonsense before. I certainly have heard similar stories.

You did well @Bobcomp and so did dh. Solid parenting and hopefully it’s made things quite clear to MIL. Be kind to her if you can she will be mortified and presumably she will really care what church and Catholic family think.

Why do people post on P19 of a thread, without AT LEAST reading the OP's posts ?

(Not the only one on the last couple of pages, but why ??)

Talk to the priest. I am Catholic and no way would any priest I know do this without the parents consent so make sure she's not told him she's guardian or something!

That's one conversation I'd love to be a fly on the wall for! #prayforFatherLiam 💪🏻🙏🏻

It must be some relief to have a positive outcome from speaking to Father Liam; as so many PP's suspected, he had only been given the highly edited highlights,
I wonder if his chat with MIL will steer her towards Holy Scripture - "Thou shalt not bear false witness" being one of the Ten Commandments and all that. Something to bear in mind when going to Confession (after all, she needs to be in a state of grace through absolution before receiving the Blessed Sacrament at Mass) - or is her fervent adherence to the practice of her faith as selective as her inclusion of detail in her chosen narrative?
One thing which puzzled me was - what was considered "family", and how did she plan to gather them together with a small baby, presumably used to being carried around by its birth parents? A rather embarrassing gap in the big presentation if the parents decline their (very casual) invitation, all arranged and settled without checking their availability.