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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want MIL to “redo” our baby’s name with her priest?

978 replies

Bobcomp · 15/07/2025 14:25

Bit of a weird one. MIL is super Catholic, we’re not religious at all. DH was raised that way but doesn’t really practise anymore. We had a low-key christening for DD (2mo) at our local church - not mega religious, just more of a naming and welcome thing really. We chose her name together - it’s a bit modern but nothing out there. MIL smiled through gritted teeth at the time but didn’t say much.

Fast forward to now - she’s apparently gone and spoken to her priest (very traditional Catholic church she still goes to), and arranged for him to do a “proper” blessing in a couple of weeks. Only she’s told us she’ll be using DD’s middle name during it, because “it’s more suitable for a Christian child” and “closer to the saints”.

She says it’s not a big deal - that it’s just a personal thing between her and God and she’s not trying to change anything officially. But it feels really off to me. She’s literally taking it upon herself to get our daughter re-blessed with a different name because she doesn’t like the one we picked.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line? Like she’s trying to override us or pretend she’s the one naming our child? I don’t want this to turn into some weird power thing where she starts calling DD by her middle name and acting like that’s her “real” name.

Also worth saying - she didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”.

AIBU to think this is weird as hell and not ok? Or should I just ignore it and let her have her moment? It’s messing with my head more than it probably should.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2025 19:02

Nice one, Fr Liam.

😇

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/07/2025 19:02

Ohhhhhh dear,

So she wanted a nice little show off in front of her church friends, isn't she a marvellous Grandma, getting little baby baptised and saaaaaaaaaaaaaved from the dreadful heathen ways of the parents throw in some fire and brimstone and so on here...

And instead she is going to get a bollocking from Father Liam, and have to explain to her church friends why the expected blessing and presence of baby and so on will not be happening.

Batten down the hatches, I fear the martyr firework show will be spectacular.

drspouse · 15/07/2025 19:03

Bravo Father Liam!

Sentfrommygarden · 15/07/2025 19:04

Your mother-in-law is totally crossing the line and sounds a bit mad. If this goes unchallenged what else will she try and decide on? And what was the priest thinking agreeing to this? Surely he isn’t allowed to act on some willy nilly request made by a grandparent. Cheek of it!!

godmum56 · 15/07/2025 19:06

Sentfrommygarden · 15/07/2025 19:04

Your mother-in-law is totally crossing the line and sounds a bit mad. If this goes unchallenged what else will she try and decide on? And what was the priest thinking agreeing to this? Surely he isn’t allowed to act on some willy nilly request made by a grandparent. Cheek of it!!

RTFT, he wasn't thinking because he didn't know the full story. Now he does knowm Mil is going to get literally the wrath of God

ZenNudist · 15/07/2025 19:07

Good thing you got this sorted. I recommend inviting mil to have a mass said for your dd (using her given name). You and dd don't then need to be there.

SerafinasGoose · 15/07/2025 19:07

alcoholnightmare · 15/07/2025 14:29

I wouldn’t allow this at all - I can picture it turning into years and years of cards and personalised gifts with your daughter’s middle name as her forename.
Simply “No, MIL and DH. This definitely won’t be happening. MIL, you’re welcome to take daughter to the odd family focussed church service when she’s older and teach her about your religion”.

I'd be loath even to do that, particularly given MiL is zealous enough to have a 'do over' naming ceremony with a name she thinks more befitting to a 'Christian'. It's in that context specifically that I use inverted commas advisedly around that word.

My DH is a lapsed Catholic raised in this vein, and both he and I believe his upbringing did him a great deal of damage.

If MiL rides over one boundary, soon it will be the next, then the next. The fact that she's made arrangements with the priest without even consulting you is your first indication. As for any protestations that 'it's his child too' - yes, it is, and when it's an issue like this then the parent who says 'no' has the veto. This would be a hard 'no' and a hill to die on for me. Kudos for calling the priest - that should clip her wings should she get any similar ideas in the future.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2025 19:08

Another thought, @Bobcomp: considering that it was you, the non-catholic, who made the call to Liam you may well find out exactly what MIL meant about her plans having been for the family and him, even if she threw you the bone of being "welcome to come"

Somehow I doubt that'll be pleasant, but hope I'm wrong

Typo

Mammamia182833 · 15/07/2025 19:08

Waterweight · 15/07/2025 18:37

Its hardly a "massive power play" OPs husband/partner was raised with religious parents & agreed to have a small local ceremony with OP without any issues (un-religious)

The baby could now be blessed into any & every religion without causing it any harm so why not just make a joke privately & move on ?

Life's too short really

Well yes, OP is trying to nip this in the bud to prevent more disagreements down the line. Because yes life’s too short to fight, OP is right to set boundaries now.

I think planning a “blessing” with a different name that the parents “can come to if they want” that they’ve had no say in shows a lack of respect to the actual parents here. And as most people say, will fuel other demands later.

CrackingOn50 · 15/07/2025 19:11

Watch out for any 'health scares' MIL reports after getting her plans spoiled.

There's a pattern/script of behaviours with people like her when they don't get their own way.

ForElatedQuoter · 15/07/2025 19:12

Right, English lefty liberal practising RC Catholic here, who would never do what your MIL has done, but I did baptise my own children and just signed one up for First Holy Communion lessons.

I think the issue is you are all speaking very different theological languages and actually your CofE vicar and your husband are the most at fault here. (It is possible Fr Liam also is, but at this point in the game we don't really know what he said, what he is offering and in response to what information he has been fed by your MIL). Your MIL is being a dick too, and it is inexcusable and she needs to be told no, but it is unclear where the tangle of theology here came from...

I'm actually going to suggest that your CofE vicar started the confusion by suggesting you could have a 'welcoming ceremony' that wasn't very religious, and then in fact did a full-blown baptism (which is the same thing as a Christening theologically, they aren't different ceremonies in either the Anglican or RC Catholic church). I appreciate Anglicans can be a bit fluffier, but this borders on dishonesty by the vicar in my book. There are quasi-legal ramifications to a baptism certificate regarding church/national records and school admissions. It is significant theologically, legally and politically, no matter how you try to dress it up, or even if that wasn't what you actually wanted.

If your RC MIL is half the Catholic you say she is, she would have seen right through this. Was she actually at the ceremony? I think there is a risk that your description of what was actually a full blown baptism/religious ceremony as a 'welcoming thing' may have convinced her it wasn't actually a baptism/christening of any religious significance, because that is how you described it, particuarly if she wasn't there. Her wanting to baptise your children without your say so is obviously not ok, but its not the same of a redo, as quite frankly a Catholic, including myself, wouldn't see what you have described as a baptism (even though, it very much was... see my comments about your vicar above).

I get your DH isn't that fussed about the religion he was bought up in, but I am shocked as somebody raised by this woman doesn't seem to understand anything about religious sacraments and what a baptism actually is. He really needed to be translating between his MIL and you a bit more than he has bothered to, and quite frankly, its bloody lazy of him, regardless of his attitude towards religion. Where is FIL in all this? Did DH get confirmed? Did he attend a Catholic school at secondary level? This would have been very basic stuff.

Then... onto Fr Liam. We don't really know what has happened there but FWIW I and my non-Catholic husband had to attend a month of baptism classes, where we actually had some of the aforementioned theology explained to us (for the nth time for the RC Catholics in the room) and it was both implicit and explicit the expectation that we were a Catholic family committed to bringing up our child in the Catholic faith including commitment to further sacraments, which brings with it Mass attendance. The baptism ceremony is heavily focused on the parents and godparents, it is very odd that you would be excluded from this, as you are the ones raising the child. Similarly, priests are indeed very careful about treading on another priest's toes.

Then onto the concept of a 'blessing'. This isn't quite a neutral as it sounds, though sneaky priests (a bit like your CofE vicar) might try and make it sound benign. It is not. If you want a Catholic marriage blessing during or after an Anglican marriage ceremony for example, you still have to promise to bring the children up Catholic etc, in exactly the same way you would if you had a Catholic wedding ceremony. I would guess that a Catholic baptism blessing might involve the exact same promises, meaning, it isn't really a benign 'blessing' at all. However, I have never heard of such a thing for a child before, as adults can convert, but not children.

Twiglets1 · 15/07/2025 19:13

Bobcomp · 15/07/2025 18:43

Quick update:

I’ve just spoken to Father Liam.

He was polite but clearly caught off guard. He had been told there was going to be “a private family blessing,” but he hadn’t been given many details — certainly not that the child had already been baptised in the Church of England. He also hadn’t been told that we, the parents, weren’t aware or involved. When I explained the full situation — that MIL had arranged this unilaterally, that our daughter already had a baptism, and that we absolutely don’t consent to anything — he became very firm.

He assured me no blessing or ceremony will be taking place.

He said (his words): “It would be entirely inappropriate to proceed with any religious rite concerning a child without parental consent, especially when the child has already received Christian baptism. I will be speaking to [MIL] myself.”

So that’s that, thank God (and I mean that without irony).

I’ve told DH. He’s relieved it’s been shut down officially and will be calling MIL tonight to make it clear that this kind of thing will never happen again. If she wants a relationship with DD, it’ll be on our terms — not through secret services and fantasy name changes.

Thanks again for all the comments and righteous fury. You’ve helped me see this clearly for what it is, and honestly? I feel like I’ve dodged a long, exhausting future of this kind of behaviour by nipping it here.

Will keep you updated if MIL kicks off — I strongly suspect the martyr act is incoming…

A good update.

Glad your husband stepped up - MIL was probably relying on being able to manipulate him so I'm glad you are confronting her as a team. Hopefully she will back down immediately she sees her bid for control has been rumbled.

VehicleTracker77 · 15/07/2025 19:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Scorchio84 · 15/07/2025 19:15

Well done @Bobcomp what a space cadet you're dealing with! She is totally giving off Carrie's religious fanatic mam from the film! Fair play to you for contacting Fr Liam directly, rightly so & thank christ he was/is more than reasonable, she sounds like an absolute wagon even more so after I read about the further "keeping up with appearances" within her circle thoughts

My son's dad & I are not religious, some of our family are, his mam & my auntie so basically both the nanas, we didn't baptize our son, it was never an issue, now in fairness we also laughed & only half jokingly used to say "they probably threw a bit of Holy Water on his head on the QT" but this is wholly different

Also would love to be a fly on the wall when Fr Liam gets in touch with your MIL 😂

Bababear987 · 15/07/2025 19:17

Please update with what happened with MIL

ForElatedQuoter · 15/07/2025 19:20

SpryCat · 15/07/2025 18:58

Or tell her Father Liam is blessing extra holy water for her exorcism, as only a person who was possessed by the devil, would try to trick a priest 🤣

This is the best post on here.

Sorry for posting after your update, it took me so long to write all that out that I missed your update!

I'm glad its sorted, and also that my hunch that there is no such thing as a 'Catholic blessing' for a baptised Anglican child is even possible, let alone considered desirable, is correct.

Tudorduxbury · 15/07/2025 19:21

Expect this all to start again in a few years if you choose a non catholic school

TheMeasure · 15/07/2025 19:22

Blimey. Just stumbled across this one.
Your mil is unhinged! You can't baptise as a Catholic (and this is what she is basically proposing) a child who has already been baptised as CofE, surely?!
Anyway, thank goodness Fr Liam is on board with the situation now and is refusing to play.
But yes, MIL is about to Flip. Her. Lid. and I'm here for it.

Hols23 · 15/07/2025 19:23

I'm just curious, and please don't take this the wrong way.... But if you and your DH aren't at all religious and your MIL is Catholic and super religious, why did you choose to have a CofE christening? It would feel more obvious to me in those circumstances either to have no christening at all, or to have a Catholic one.

(I'm atheist and not christened btw)

caringcarer · 15/07/2025 19:26

Sorry Mil but DC is already christened with the name DH and I chose for her. You got to name your own DC, we have done the same. Don't let her take your DC.

notatallcuriousmama · 15/07/2025 19:26

What a fantastic update! Yay to Father Liam.

Mil will be mortified.

Thewolvesarerunningagain · 15/07/2025 19:28

You not only nipped the situation in the bud, you have shown MIL you are a force to be reckoned with!
This. I have a feeling that you will be very glad in years to come that you showed this quality early and in such style! Well done OP

FlamingoLlama · 15/07/2025 19:28

Go Fr Liam!

I hope MIL doesn't combust too much, although I forsee some sort of medical emergency by the end of next week.

Kchs232 · 15/07/2025 19:28

Hols23 · 15/07/2025 19:23

I'm just curious, and please don't take this the wrong way.... But if you and your DH aren't at all religious and your MIL is Catholic and super religious, why did you choose to have a CofE christening? It would feel more obvious to me in those circumstances either to have no christening at all, or to have a Catholic one.

(I'm atheist and not christened btw)

This is a good point, your husband obviously grew up catholic but you are both supposedly not religious but you chose Church of England? Was it a secret F you to your MIL?

murasaki · 15/07/2025 19:30

She's not going to enjoy being told off by Father Liam.

Haha.