To not want MIL to “redo” our baby’s name with her priest?

[Bobcomp]

Bit of a weird one. MIL is super Catholic, we’re not religious at all. DH was raised that way but doesn’t really practise anymore. We had a low-key christening for DD (2mo) at our local church - not mega religious, just more of a naming and welcome thing really. We chose her name together - it’s a bit modern but nothing out there. MIL smiled through gritted teeth at the time but didn’t say much.

Fast forward to now - she’s apparently gone and spoken to her priest (very traditional Catholic church she still goes to), and arranged for him to do a “proper” blessing in a couple of weeks. Only she’s told us she’ll be using DD’s middle name during it, because “it’s more suitable for a Christian child” and “closer to the saints”.

She says it’s not a big deal - that it’s just a personal thing between her and God and she’s not trying to change anything officially. But it feels really off to me. She’s literally taking it upon herself to get our daughter re-blessed with a different name because she doesn’t like the one we picked.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line? Like she’s trying to override us or pretend she’s the one naming our child? I don’t want this to turn into some weird power thing where she starts calling DD by her middle name and acting like that’s her “real” name.

Also worth saying - she didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”.

AIBU to think this is weird as hell and not ok? Or should I just ignore it and let her have her moment? It’s messing with my head more than it probably should.

she has said that water was used and the "right words" were said.

Oh OP. Overstepping doesn't begin to describe what she is doing. I agree with others that this is a power play. Don't give in to this or it will escalate to bigger dramas.

@YankSplaining
OPs second post says it was a proper christening with water & oil, just not a massive do

My first reaction was if you aren’t particularly religious, then just let her crack on, but I do see how it can be seen as controlling and undermining etc. and it’s probably better to nip it in the bud.

As someone raised by a woman like this, you must absolutely put an end to her insanity immediately.

Your DH was raised to "let her crack on" (again, I get it) but now he is not only married but a father and tough as it may be for him, he must stand up to his mother, difficult as this may be. I can promise you that this is not the first time your MIL will do something like this with your DD. It is just the first red flag. She has no boundaries, no one in her family pushes back on her, and she will continue to overstep until she realizes she can't. I can tell you countless stories of things my narc mother did with my daughter, even when I did try to push back. It became a power struggle, and she felt she had more rights to my child and how she was being raised than she did.

The mere fact that your MIL would take it upon herself to set this up shows many things that will become big, big issues down the road if ground rules and very, very firm boundaries are not established immediately. She is showing a blatant lack of regard and respect for your position as the parents. She is assuming that as the grandmother, she has some level of authority in major decisions made for your daughter. She is also setting things up for your daughter behind your back. She also seems to think that she knows best when it comes to your daughter, and that this justifies taking matters into her own hands.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I'd caution you to never leave your DD alone with this woman, or to be very careful if you do. Again, this is a mindset, not a one-time behaviour.

Also, apologies if this has already been said somewhere, but if she keeps trying to call her by her middle name, consider threatening to refer to your baby as Lilith from now on. I personally like the name, and the story, but she might not

She didn’t say that until after I commented.

Why should she ‘just laugh and let her get on with it’??

Can you not see this is a power play here, and MIL is being massively disrespectful by arranging it without even so much as a word to the OP and her DH?!

She hadn’t posted her second post when I responded.

Definitely no - my mum is a catholic - me and my husband and our adult children are all atheist. My daughter was in a coma for seven weeks before having her life support turned off. She put my daughter's name on her church's prayer list without asking. My daughter would have been mortified - she was a very private person. She died on a Sunday morning and it was announced in church at mass before we had had told people who knew her her whole life. We are still upset by this. No apology from my mother, the church or the diocese - they don't care.

@YankSplaining
my apologies, I missed that.

In dealing with student behaviour in education we talk about setting up boundaries upfront, and how every opportunity missed is one you'll regret later. This is exactly the same. If you let her walk all over you now you'll regret it later - investing in setting these expectations will pay dividends later. However much she protests, it will be worth it. If she sees this as a reason to avoid a relationship with her granddaughter then that's her loss.

What an embarrassment your husband his. Still wanting to placate mummy when he is now a husband and father. He'll would freeze over and I still would say no. When we told my mil we weren't christening our child as we wanted them to chose when older, she carried my baby around, drinking wine, and refused to give him back for some time. Then I decided to stop being polite and took my baby back.

She head tells. Your h needs telling and so does the bloody priest.

Glad your DH has seen this for what it is and realised it massively crosses the line!

Be prepared for the water works when you say no later to her and for you to be painted as the bad DIL stopping her from a 'little prayer'.....

I think your husband has been far more complicit in this than he is making it sound. If your DH is really reluctant to tell his mother that this won't be happening because it's inappopriate and completely unnecessary then that tells me he secretly wants it to go ahead himself. Perhaps he feels she was baptised CofE because that's what you chose, but as a woolly, mostly non-practising Catholic he would have preferred her to be baptised Catholic. So first of all, you need to get to the bottom of what's really going on here.

You could just tell him no, and tell him he is to tell her no. It won't be happening. There is really no need for you to be ringing 'Father Liam' just deal with your MIL and put her straight. Your DD has already had a christening, she doesn't need a second one.

Obviously if your DH agrees that the whole thing should be cancelled then make sure on the day that no-one has any excuses to take your DD out without you. You make sure she sticks by you like glue. As I said, he may be more complicit here than you think.

If your MIL calls your DD by her middle name alone then correct her every single time.

Wow, this is madness! I'm so glad you are going to call the priest and that DH now has your back.

Like someone else said, God won't have forgotten the baptism, or need to be reminded!

folks have you not RTFT? The OP's husband has found his backbone and is totally on here side.

I think you might be right about her "saving face" Op.

You have had a religious baptism that is acceptable to her church by all accounts.

There is no need for anything else.

But it wasn't in her church with all her friends/rellies.

DH has finally seen it for what it is (and yes, he admits he left his backbone somewhere around the six-week mark when sleep deprivation and “keeping the peace” became his top priority). But he’s onboard now and will be backing me up when we call MIL later tonight.

Good work DH 👏👏👏

He got a bit of a brutal introduction to the vipers today but he needs commending for that swift turn around!

Hope the conversation with MIL goes OK (I was going to say well, but I very much doubt it)

You have the team behind you, guys. Go set those boundaries! 😂

Its hardly a "massive power play" OPs husband/partner was raised with religious parents & agreed to have a small local ceremony with OP without any issues (un-religious)

The baby could now be blessed into any & every religion without causing it any harm so why not just make a joke privately & move on ?

Life's too short really

I'm now wondering if she's told the priest that the child hasn't been baptised at all.

Just "no*. It won't stop at christening she will want the child to go to bible classes and confirmation classes too.

Thing is that the Ops MIL may well be a 1950's Mum and still hold to the old ways of the church

It seems pretty unlikely that the Grandparent of a new baby is going to be in their 90s.....

This is bonkers! I am so glad you and your DH are putting your foot down!

he didn't agree to it, its just that he didn't disagree.