AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to want our house (when we're not even in it)?

[Firstchoice333]

So, DH, the kids and I will be away soon, and some good friends of ours — who we've happily hosted when we're home — are visiting our city at the same time.
Instead of getting an AirBnb like normal humans, they've casually hinted that they could just "stay at ours" while we're away. You know, to "save a bit." 😬
DH is fine with it. Thinks it's no big deal. I, on the other hand, am firmly in the "strangers in my pants drawer" camp. Not that they'd snoop, but still — it just feels off. I’d never even think of asking to stay in a friend's home without them there. Have I turned into a Victorian maiden aunt, or is this just a bit CF?
So, AIBU to find the whole idea a bit... much?
TL;DR: Friends want to stay in our house while we’re away. DH thinks it’s fine. I think it’s weird. Enlighten me.

Same here!

I was overseas for an extended visit one year & my aunty rang me to ask if it would be possible for my cousin, her DH M, 2 kids & 2 dogs to stay at mine as they had been flooded.

they were there about 6 week when I was due back, & my Aunty said about an Air BnB they were looking at, to move into for when I came back. I said not to be daft, and they could just stay until they could go home, no problem.

various other friend/family have stayed when I'm not home (as well as when I am). Really not getting the issue. It's my home, it's clean & tidy, but it's not a display home, I'm not running a BnB, they can use what's there, but it might not be fully stocked (especially if I wasn't expecting them when I left home). But 🤷🏻‍♀️they're certainly welcome.

i don't think any of them would 'snoop', but so what if they did? What are you hiding?

I would. And I wouldn’t care if they found dust or cobwebs. It would save me having to empty out the fridge.

I agree 100% with this. I grew up in a relaxed and generous family who would happily offer this sort of thing to friends and family alike. I think it’s quite selfish to see your friends shelling out on a hotel when there is a perfectly good place to stay. Obviously you’d expect people to offer wine/chocolates etc and keep the place clean but they generally do.

My brother in law’s girlfriend was staying here recently while working local to us- we were also at home. I started to show her around the kitchen etc and she reminded me that she and BIL had stayed here last year when we were away and so she knew her way around already- I’d totally forgotten they’d been here!

I tend to find that generosity to others is repaid in kind and karma.

What does it matter what you might be 'hiding' in your house? It's your personal space ffs.

No issue for me, if I go away I get my lovely cleaner to clean it so all I ask if people stay is that they get the cleaner back in before I return so it is lovely and clean when I get home. I did it last year for a family who needed a place for a week as their house move stalled, no issue

No way. Something gets damaged, it’s the end of a friendship anyway. Make it very clear this won’t be happening.

I imagine you might worry they will find the stick that you put up your arse?

Why the fall out? You should have paid for the breakage without having to be asked.

Unless there was some benefit for
you say .....watering ALL the plants or dog sitting then it would be a firm NO from me.

There have been threads on here before about CFs hinting at this or where they had damaged property and not said anything after leaving. I think the best one is in classics - the holiday home one, if someone can find the link?

The general consensus is "No"!

Say that packing for holiday always means your house is left in a bad mess when you go away so sorry

No I won’t like it. Besides think of the deep clean you would have to do before your holiday!

I live in an expensive city with a lot of expat friends whose extended family or friends come to visit every year. I always let friends know when we’ll be holidaying, in case they have family or friend who need a place. They likewise do the same. Interestingly in this group of friends, there is one woman who outright said she’d never have anyone in her place, just the thought horrified her. Over many years, it’s been fascinating to see how her lack of generosity has eroded the same community feeling we have with all the other families. Others share cars or childcare etc., and guests over the years always leave a gift.

It would be a big fat no from me. Objectively, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but I wouldn’t like it. The problem is I’d be in the same position as you because DP wouldn’t mind, so then I would feel guilty for saying no. But I think the feelings of the person who isn’t comfortable should trump those of the person who doesn’t mind. A bit like deciding whether or not to get a dog! We are all different and a lot of how we respond to things like this depends on many different factors, such as our upbringing/background, our mental health, how much importance we attach to our home as a safe haven, what our personal boundaries are etc. There’s no right answer, just what you feel comfortable with. I don’t think your friends should have asked though (casually hinting is effectively asking), as it puts you in an awkward position. They should have waited to see if you offered, then found alternative accommodation if you didn’t.

I have done it for DH family and for close friends, and I have learned a lot about myself and my guests.

So now, if it comes up, I am clear about expectations - if my DH’s family of 5 are coming, the final things they do are clean the bathrooms and drop the bedding / towels off for a service wash ( which they pay for). Also if they raid the freezer/ wine rack / whatever, they replace it.

I have come home too many times to mess and laundry. And I resent that, so rather than there be bad feelings between us, I am honest ( but nice about it) upfront.

There is something seriously wrong with a world where you wont let family or friends stay in your home. Surely it is just a nice thing to be able to do especially when things are so expensive. So what if someone looks in my knicker drawer.

Wouldn't bother me, but we always charge a small amount to cover water etc. and same when we have stayed at friends houses

I would be fine with this

Wouldn’t bother us in the slightest. As long as they fed the pets and watered my plants!

You'd have to clean so thoroughly before you left. I'd want them to pay for a clean before and after I think.

Its a hell no from me. we used to do it for my lovely late in laws and I was "ok" with it but didn't really like it.

So I would say to your DH is he prepared to do the sheet and bed changing involved. I like my house clean before I leave so will he come in and make sure that it is exactly how I left it (unless better obviously with wine etc) cover any expenses from them staying

if the answer to any of the above is no then it’s a no

neither me or DH would

Have they been good houseguests when you were there? Is there any reason they might not be?

It depends on your comfort level. If you're totally uncomfortable with it, no.

But, if they were close friends I would let them stay. I've housed a friend for a couple months while she was buying a house and I've had parents of patients stay when the Ronald McDonald house was full and no hotel rooms available. I wasn't home much working 12 hours nights, or on vacation, others took care of their transportation, and I never came home to a place that was less than spotless.

I really like the idea @Bosabosa had, that they hire a cleaner before your return.

I let friends stay when we were away, cleaning the house before we went was exhausting so I only cleaned the rooms they were goin to be sleeping in and the bathrooms they were using (plus kitchen and living room). My friend went into our bedroom and ensuite and cleaned it - she thought she was doing me a favour - I really didn't like that at all. I felt judged and snooped on.

It's fine for them to ask

Fine for you to say Yes or No