Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

After being told to stop messaging you and pointing out the excessive numbers of messages...

"He responded 'a lot of the numbers (of messages) quoted were actually photos - not messages'. He went on to say the vacation could be in the near future... to celebrate the end of all my admin."

My God. The sheer and utter arrogance of the man.

He has the actual gall to argue with your "definition" of what constitutes a message. Having established to his satisfaction that it isn't too many messages because you wrongly counted photos as messages, He's actually giving himself permission to carry on messaging you by saying that isn't he? he goes on to suggest a celebratory holiday "in the near future" That is just so utterly insulting and shows he has no interest in what you are feeling and what your wishes might be... only in coercing you to respond to his approaches, under the guise of so called friendship.

That's just push push push because he knows you are a kind and polite person and if he thinks if he goes on about it long enough you will cave so as not to be unkind.

HE IS AWFUL
He doesn't care about and brushes aside any inconvenient talk of grief. What an absolute pig.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this frightful limpet at a time like this.

I don't think there is any further point in communicating with him. He just wont get it. I'd be so angry at his intrusion on your thoughts and your personal space at a time like this.

"Please Stop messaging me, photos or otherwise.
I do not want to go on a "celebratory" holiday. Ever. "

And then block.

I hope you can resolve this soon and dislodge this mill stone from around your neck, so that you can have some space and peace. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Sending kind thoughts x

ps . Tell your close friends how he's behaved... and ask them to help you keep him at a distance.

Yes, I don't understand why you wouldn't just block him at this point

Yes sadly vulnerability very attractive to predators. He clearly is one with this blatant disregard for your wishes.
There are other reasons too, financially widows are thought of as in a good position.
Id distance yourself and protect yourself...he sounds like a stalker.

Ok OP so your latest holiday update suggests that he’s not. ax some posters suggested, contacting you as part of some sort of ‘generic list’ - hes singled you out in a personal way. Yes I’d block at this stage enough’s enough

Dear xxxx

In reply to your most recent message, I have previously requested in a courteous manner that you stop all communication with me. At this point, I am no longer making a request; I am issuing a directive. Do not reach out to me in any manner, shape, or form. Should you fail to cease and desist immediately, I will have no choice but to report you to the authorities. Your conduct is not amicable; it is predatory. I have no desire to engage in conversation with you, nor do I wish to vacation with you. Please leave me in peace.

You value his friendship but does he value yours? Could it ge that he wants more than friendship?

You're not a wuss, you're grieving and dealing with admin practicalities, and he is not thinking about that at all.

It's OK to block him. You've been remarkably polite and patient.

I tend to agree that a man upping communication like this when you are vulnerable and not stepping back when you don’t reciprocate is most likely intending to propose something sexual, one way or another.

His actions in continuing to message you are not at all friendly or supportive, you are finding them stressful and harassing, but you still think of him as someone who is a good friend. I think this is a mistake. You need to adapt to the new information you’re getting from his new behaviour (as well as prioritising yourself more).

But if you aren’t prepared to block him, have you considered being much more upfront with him? Instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed and burnt out and just don’t have time at the moment.” Consider “I’ve told you all the messages are stressing me out, but you continue to send them. Why?”

He doesn't care what you want, only what he wants.

I think you should block him now but tell him first as I'd be concerned his behaviour would spiral if you just ghosted him.

Hope that makes sense?

What a twat. Yuck

Dump him, he's delusional, insensitive and he harasses women. At this point you need to block him. He is not a positive influence in your life and he wants more from you than you are willing to give. If he continues to try and contact you, get the police involved.

He didn’t seem to be listening. I would absolutely properly block him.

That was my exact thoughts as well!

Duckbilledsplatterpuff is spot on!! What an arrogant, self-centred turd of a man!!

I think you should def tell some friends so they can support you.

How did you respond to his holiday suggestion? With disgusted fury, I hope?!

I’m of a slightly different opinion I think telling him first might trigger him more id just ghost him

Do you think he may have developed romantics feelings for you?

Now tat he move onto e-mail, you have an opportunity to create a response tat sets out your feelings and personal boundaries?

I am thinking you playback the behaviour whilst reinforcing that you want to remain friends and not cause offence but that you really need a break from the relentless messaging, you could then playback how many messages, through all of the different channels you have received and that its overwhelming you whilst you are dealing with all of the other admin. You can then say, you have set them to archive and may not reply to them at all.

FWIW I would also find that level of messaging massively OTT, even without the extra admin that you are managing, its intrusive and quite odd, almost compulsive behaviour that would be a red flag. You have nothing to lose by being quite blunt here.

OP, look, you're still pussy-footing around him. You HAVE to make a strong decision. One way or another. This guy is either a cocklodger who sees the extra money and properties he can share in (the comment about going away for a celebration with you blatantly makes it seem like that) and who knows he then might try to bump you off (it has happened many times before, before you think my imagination is getting carried away), or he has always loved you and wanted you and is not even playing the long game anymore he is now going full steam ahead.

Or both.

Those are the only scenarios. There is really no other reason. He is after your money and/or you. His wanting to celebrate shows he does not have your best interests at heart and has no sympathy for your loss. It's all his gain, in his eyes. That, is not a friend..

You need to either cut him off 100% forever and end your friendship with him, or accept him into your life and possessions.

I think you need to send him one last message saying that you can no longer continue the friendship with him but wish him well, then block him on all medias.

OP, have you had any counselling? There appears to be something in this relationship with him which is blocking your space to grieve and that is what you need to focus on. Imagine yourself looking back at this time in 10 years time as you see yourself trying to come to terms with this incredibly painful loss and do you want to see yourself trying to manage someone who has completely overstepped the boundaries? There is something about when people are grieving that makes other people behave in really odd ways I have found. But you aren't responsible for him and it is just too much so you need to act and stop the messages coming in. If he is a good friend he will hear this and step away. If he doesn't then the relationship isn't what you thought.

He suggested a holiday?!!!! This man is not your friend. He’s a predator who sees your bereavement as an opportunity. It’s devastating to discover that someone you thought was a friend would try to take advantage of you in your vulnerable state. What the hell is wrong with him?! For your own sake just block him. He’s crossed all lines of acceptableness. He doesn’t care that you feel overwhelmed by his messages, he doesn’t care about your grief, he doesn’t care about your stress from the admin, he only cares about what he might be able to get from you now that you’re “available“. He is not a nice guy and you owe him nothing. His behaviour is unforgivable. Just block him and refuse all future attempts at contact.

A holiday?! That either he would expect you to pay for, or he would pay for and expect that to 'buy' his rights to a relationship with you... 🤢

So many men exert themselves to fake normal, human kindness to women, then expect sex in return - and when they don't get it, they whinge that 'woman don't like nice guys' - when they've been anything but...

You must be rethinking any show of kindness or support he's given to you in the past, wondering if he was just playing a long game... Even if it were genuine, it doesn't entitle to him to so much as a smile from you.

And if he buys another 'phone just to contact OP, he's confirmed he's a stalker and further actions can be taken

He's trying to get his feet under your table.
Worse, I think he thinks he has the right to get his feet under your table.

You need to tell him to back the fuck off.

This man is not your friend. He's not.

He's shown you what he is. Now's the time to comprehensively BLOCK.

Ugh! Just reading about this man's behaviour makes my flesh crawl! How bloody dare he!! He may have been a "friend" in the past but that time is long gone and he is now trying to bully his way into your headspace and life.

I suggest a short final message that you do not want further communications from him of any kind and you will report any future harassment to the police.

You do not have to over-explain yourself and try to be nice. His obnoxious behaviour is hijacking your natural grieving process. The split second he tries to breach your clear instruction - and he probably will - it is vital not to respond to him but to contact the police.

In your shoes I would also show one of two close friends some evidence of what you have been enduring.

Hi all,

I blocked him last night. Perhaps I should have made that clear/clearer. For those asking; I didn't respond to his message about the vacation.

To be frank, it wasn't even the vacation idea that riled me up - it was more that he tried to 'argue' with me that the 37 unread messages in 5 days weren't really '37 messages' because 'many of the messages were photos'. I wasn't willing to argue with him on that front - so the vacation wasn't even on my radar. No chance of that happening, so it was not even worth the energy/second of thought.

Phew. In time you'll be so glad you put yourself first. Well done. 😊