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Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
BonfireToffee · 16/07/2025 16:38

smmontana · 16/07/2025 15:56

Hi all,

I blocked him last night. Perhaps I should have made that clear/clearer. For those asking; I didn't respond to his message about the vacation.

To be frank, it wasn't even the vacation idea that riled me up - it was more that he tried to 'argue' with me that the 37 unread messages in 5 days weren't really '37 messages' because 'many of the messages were photos'. I wasn't willing to argue with him on that front - so the vacation wasn't even on my radar. No chance of that happening, so it was not even worth the energy/second of thought.

What a disgusting, insensitive vulture he is, OP. Good on you for blocking, and I hope you gain lovely peaceful friendships in future x

Roselilly36 · 16/07/2025 17:38

I am so pleased to read your update OP. Definitely the right decision. No one in your circumstances has headspace for that kind of behaviour. I am sure you will never regret it. I hope you get DH estate settled, and you can move on with your life. Good luck.

outerspacepotato · 16/07/2025 17:47

Be alert to your surroundings when you're out and keep your doors locked. This guy feels a lot of entitlement and so far, hasn't taken no for an answer.

Some people turn into vultures when there's the chance of money involved.

Bobblebiscuits296 · 16/07/2025 18:00

He was good to me in my 'early days' of grief (it still feels like 'early days' in my 'grief journey' in truth) - but something has changed - and it is in tandem with a lot of awful admin I've got to do. He's really upped the ante. He genuinely wasn't like this before my DH died.

I think the clue to his behaviour is here sadly.

Very few men imho are good to people out of the kindness of their heart. He obviously had an agenda from the beginning and thinks he deserves his “pay” for helping you out in the early days op,

We are used to women friends being kind and doing favours for nothing when there is a family crisis. Unfortunately many men, with a few exceptions, don’t think this way. They think women “owe” them and that is why we are always at a disadvantage if we accept their help.

I am not saying you were wrong to do so op; this bloke has turned out to be predatory and exploitative, and you couldn’t have possibly known this early on, But please be very wary and on your guard from now on. If you are a good person, it’s natural to assume that everyone thinks along the same lines as you do, but there are some really ruthless self-interested people out there who are poised to take advantage of others.

It’s really shite and unfair that you are having to deal with this excuse of a human being when you are grieving, stressed and burdened by probate, but that’s the reality of it, so keep your eyes peeled and protect yourself in future, 💐

Daleksatemyshed · 16/07/2025 18:15

I'm very glad you've blocked him @smmontana he just wouldn't listen so you had little choice. I don't know how close he lives to you but I'd keep an eye on security, maybe get a ring door bell just in case he doesn't leave you alone.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 16/07/2025 19:04

It may be worth mentioning this to a mutual friend, in case he decides to get others involved. He seems the type to believe that he knows best and that you couldn't possibly have meant to block him, therefore you're having some sort of episode. Women eh!

As an aside, I've seen this so many times. Men you've been friends with for decades, never any hint of romantic feelings in all that time and then following a bereavement they behave in this utterly selfish manner, only thinking of their own wants, not your needs. It's awful that he's caused you any upset when real friends would be supporting you.

Bikergran · 16/07/2025 19:08

Hadalifeonce · 14/07/2025 22:17

I would say something along the lines of :

Please, John stop sending so many texts/messages/WhatsApps. I am really struggling having to deal with Harry's estate, and I cannot deal with the added pressure from you at the moment. I know you will want what's best for me, so am sure you will respect my request.

...this......and then block him on every platform and block his phone number. If you have mutual friends , tell them what he's been doing before he tries to get at you via them.

KaydenJayden · 16/07/2025 19:16

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 16/07/2025 19:04

It may be worth mentioning this to a mutual friend, in case he decides to get others involved. He seems the type to believe that he knows best and that you couldn't possibly have meant to block him, therefore you're having some sort of episode. Women eh!

As an aside, I've seen this so many times. Men you've been friends with for decades, never any hint of romantic feelings in all that time and then following a bereavement they behave in this utterly selfish manner, only thinking of their own wants, not your needs. It's awful that he's caused you any upset when real friends would be supporting you.

I kind of see where you’re coming from with this in your first paragraph but OTOH “get others involved” - in what exactly ? The OP blocked him it’s as if he wants to create drama out of nothing

Pessismistic · 16/07/2025 20:00

Hey op I’m glad you blocked him he obviously has never dealt with grief and if he has he’s even more ruder than I thought. Just do you look after yourself.

SameDayNewName · 16/07/2025 21:13

How are you feeling now you've blocked him @smmontana ?

Doorwayss · 16/07/2025 21:20

This type get an idea into their head that "you'll do just fine" and can be scarily relentless in their pursuit.
It is really upsetting for the women they set their cap on.
Like they can so easily replace a much loved spouse.
Kind of unhinged to be honest.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/07/2025 22:06

So relieved to hear you’ve blocked him. You’ve done the right thing. I hope that’s all it takes, but be on your guard just in case.

Italiangreyhound · 16/07/2025 23:11

@smmontana
So glad you have blocked him.

Original poster
smmontana · 17/07/2025 01:10

SameDayNewName · 16/07/2025 21:13

How are you feeling now you've blocked him @smmontana ?

Thanks for your post. I feel good, but guilty-ish. But I do think in time I'll know it was the right thing. It's weird that when my DH died, I still recall people in the 'early days' being unscrupulous - and looking back now, I feel like that time (even though it was obviously awful) was marred with so much unnecessary crap/drama from said people. I think I'll feel the same about this person. As in: 'I was suffering enough... I can't believe you added to it when all I needed was a friend.'

Thankfully, the majority of people were lovely.

OP posts:
InterestedBeing · 17/07/2025 01:11

smmontana · 17/07/2025 01:10

Thanks for your post. I feel good, but guilty-ish. But I do think in time I'll know it was the right thing. It's weird that when my DH died, I still recall people in the 'early days' being unscrupulous - and looking back now, I feel like that time (even though it was obviously awful) was marred with so much unnecessary crap/drama from said people. I think I'll feel the same about this person. As in: 'I was suffering enough... I can't believe you added to it when all I needed was a friend.'

Thankfully, the majority of people were lovely.

Show quote history

If he uses other methods to contact you, go straight to the police. Because it will be harassment. Best of luck.

Original poster
smmontana · 17/07/2025 01:12

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 16/07/2025 19:04

It may be worth mentioning this to a mutual friend, in case he decides to get others involved. He seems the type to believe that he knows best and that you couldn't possibly have meant to block him, therefore you're having some sort of episode. Women eh!

As an aside, I've seen this so many times. Men you've been friends with for decades, never any hint of romantic feelings in all that time and then following a bereavement they behave in this utterly selfish manner, only thinking of their own wants, not your needs. It's awful that he's caused you any upset when real friends would be supporting you.

"As an aside, I've seen this so many times. Men you've been friends with for decades, never any hint of romantic feelings in all that time and then following a bereavement they behave in this utterly selfish manner, only thinking of their own wants, not your needs. It's awful that he's caused you any upset when real friends would be supporting you."

It's so strange as I've read similar things to this few times on this post. It's really bizarre. I think they see you as 'available' now - but more than that I think (most; not all) men think of the situation as an 'opportunity'. It's always down to their own wants/needs.

OP posts:
Branster · 17/07/2025 05:39

I don't know about seeing the widow as available, more as a vulnerable target easy to manipulate under the guise of caring. For sex and/or money.
Just be careful of other men as well, men you already know.

KaydenJayden · 17/07/2025 07:04

smmontana · 17/07/2025 01:10

Thanks for your post. I feel good, but guilty-ish. But I do think in time I'll know it was the right thing. It's weird that when my DH died, I still recall people in the 'early days' being unscrupulous - and looking back now, I feel like that time (even though it was obviously awful) was marred with so much unnecessary crap/drama from said people. I think I'll feel the same about this person. As in: 'I was suffering enough... I can't believe you added to it when all I needed was a friend.'

Thankfully, the majority of people were lovely.

Show quote history

OP don’t feel guilty

I was in the camp of block without an explanation first because he’ll try and pick apart the explanation iyswim. He’s likely to feel affronted either way and would possibly express unhappiness and injustice but never mind OP - you’ve still done the right thing.

Thats the thing about people pleasing - realising some people will be offended because you won’t ‘go along with’ what they want but they’ll then back off, leave you alone and choose an easier target

CandidRaven · 17/07/2025 07:40

He sounds obsessed with you if I'm honest, has he ever given the impression he has a romantic interest in you? In all honesty I would end the friendship because it doesn't sound healthy for either of you, he is clearly desperate for your attention with all the messages, has he always been like this or is it just since your husband died? That's a red flag if so I feel like he is trying to be something more than a friend and obviously you don't feel the same way but him ignoring your request for peace means he doesn't actually care about how you feel and is only interested in what he wants which by the sounds of it is you

Steelworks · 17/07/2025 07:42

Don’t feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and it just shows you’re a nice person. You’ve been very accommodating to him up to now, but you’re not responsible for him or his feelings. He’s a grown man and can look after himself, and you need to look after yourself. Wishing you all the best.

WhereIsMyJumper · 17/07/2025 07:55

I’ve read all of your posts OP and just want to say I am angry on your behalf and I think you’ve handled this beautifully, especially because of the headspace you must be in right now.

That man is a walking red flag, he sees you as vulnerable and is trying to get to the front of the queue as he probably believes you will move on and be desperate to date him. I cannot stand people who ignore firm and fair boundaries. What a selfish man, only putting his own needs in the picture. I hope it doesn’t escalate in anyway and he takes the hint and leaves you alone!

TheDowagerLadyUrsula · 17/07/2025 07:55

I am so glad that you have blocked him. Don't feel a second of guilt for it. Do be prepared for the possibility that he might still try to contact you by other means. If he does then this is simply harassment and you can go to the police.

Original poster
smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

TheDowagerLadyUrsula · 17/07/2025 07:55

I am so glad that you have blocked him. Don't feel a second of guilt for it. Do be prepared for the possibility that he might still try to contact you by other means. If he does then this is simply harassment and you can go to the police.

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 19/07/2025 21:45

smmontana · 19/07/2025 21:42

Sorry to bring this up again. He emailed me from a new email address - twice. Said that texts were only asynchronous and not something he considered a burden. I was having a really bad ‘grief day’ and burst into tears. Coming up for air now.

Show quote history

Its a very special kind of low to make someone feel so much worse in their grief. A really awful thing to do, I have no advice but I'm so sorry you are being harassed like this.

Flixon · 19/07/2025 21:46

Honestly, I would report him to the police for harassment. You have made it 100% clear you do not want to hear from him. I’m so sorry you are going through this