Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

I definitely feel your pain here. I lost my teenage son 3 years ago and had a friend who had her own troubles and insisted on dragging me through the same/most recent installment every time I saw her. I felt I was just expected to have a bit of a cry and move on, something you know yourself.

My feeling from your post is that he is interested in you romantically and perhaps a little obsessively.

I think it's probably time to have a harsh word with him. Tell him as much as you like him as a friend you are not looking or remotely interested in any romance. You need to be honest that his obsession with texting etc is making you feel uneasy and a burden as you are just about getting through life as it is.

Failing that working I think you can only block him. You don't need anymore stress than what you're dealing with.

Good luck with everything x

Very simple.

Tell him outright to stop messaging you, if he carries on
Block him and Report to police as harassment

Is he after money? Trying to form a relationship with you a bit bizarre to be messaging that much per day.

Dear OP,
Please tell him you will get in touch when you have finished grieving.
No timescale.
Then block him if he continues to contact you.
If he is a genuine friend with no hidden agenda he will respect your wishes & leave you alone until you make contact with him
Take care of yourself OP.

I would block him OP - and if he pulls ever you up on it - say - “oh I just thought I was part of a large mailing list and was just one of a long list of people you were messaging “ - I think you can get away with this excuse due to the generic content you describe. Act faux innocent.

I have had a few periods in my life when I have been more vulnerable, once due to a solo move between countries in my 30s and once when a parent died when I was in my 50s.

Both times, married men I had known for a very long time, suddenly upped their communications with me. As we had long standing friendships, I did not think anything of it. After a little while, both suggested an affair.

I have lots of male friends. I have no problem having friendships which dont turn into romantic or sexual relationships. I am sure I was not giving any kind of signals to them.

I don't know if he is as predatory as that. But both were men I would have sworn were good guys. I was shocked and sick about it. I can only conclude that many men will try it on if they think they might get away with it.

Tell him you have always valued the friendship, dont ever see it as anything other than platonic, and say that you are very overwhelmed at the moment and need him to stop contacting you for a while. You will be back in touch when you are feeling more able to manage contact.

Then see what happens. He may be surprised and upset but if he is really a friend he should understand. If he gets defensive, nasty or argumentative, then it is predatory and he is pissed you are cutting him off.

"I know youre reaching out so much because you know if had a hard time recently. And im grateful for your attempts to reach out. But I'm finding all your texts and videos overwhelming.

I dont want to fall out but I need some peace for it to clear my head. Please stop with the daily texts, its making me put pressure on myself even when you dont mean it that way"

But if he keeps ignoring you, this friendship may be over and thats not your fault

Hi all. Thank you for all your responses. To answer some questions... no I have not ever had a romantic relationship with him. I was happily married, to be clear.

He sent me another message today asking if I was up for a vacation/holiday together, which was obviously a turn of events.

I snapped and told him to cease the messages and explained that 'he'd sent 58 messages in a week and 37 messages in the next 5 days.' He responded by saying 'a lot of the numbers (of messages) quoted were actually photos - not messages'. He went on to say the vacation could be in the near future... to celebrate the end of all my admin... but my admin is because my husband died... I don't feel like celebrating at all. If anything, I would quietly find a 'new normal' - and see more of my female friends. I certainly wouldn't seek out men to travel with!

I was quite shocked to say the least.

I was also shocked to see/hear of stories on here of men 'seeking out bereaved women'. Anyone who has endured grief knows that the first few years are really no time at all in the 'grief journey'. I'm so sorry to everyone who has suffered a loss. It really does change your life - and it also makes you see the best/worst in people.

Oh wow. So sorry to hear this. I hope you are faring better now. Why do they do this? Is it because they feel entitled to your time/energy?! Do they see you as an 'option' that was always there?

I'm glad you told him straight about things. He's splitting hairs over whether it was a photo or text etc, it's still massively excessive, and unwanted and unwelcome.
Time to pull up that digital drawbridge. If he tries to find another way to contact you, I'd be getting the community police to have a word with him about misuse of telecoms and harassment. He might listen to them!

Simply, you have asked him to stop messaging you. He ignored that. And continues to ignore it. Why do you even want to be ‘friends’ with a person who has no respect for what you want ? Why do you believe it’s ok for him to continue to do what you have expressly asked him not to? Why do you not immediately just block him? Who taught you that women have to be ‘nice’ and just accept whatever men decide? These are serious questions …

I feel like you just need to be upfront and tell him.

Just say he sends you too many messages, you don’t want to receive them and you’re not interested in going on holiday with him. Don’t blame it on admin or bereavement or headspace or anything - as he will take that as in time, you’ll be receptive to the high level of contact.

Instead, you just need to be clear that the constant contact is too much regardless of your circumstances. If he apologises and changes, he values the friendship. If he gets huffy or continues, he doesn’t value the friendship. But that’s not on you for “ruining” the friendship.

If you feel like he’s romantically interested and trying to test your boundaries then even more reason to make it clear that you’re not interested

It’s probably as simple as your mate just sees the situation as your husband being out of the picture and you being single now.

So he probably felt he didn’t have a chance with you before but he does now.

Not sure if they always thought I was 'an option' although both said they had always been attracted to me. But to be honest, any man who would do this is probably not very truthful so I did not take that too seriously.

I honestly think a lot of men approach relationships differently than women. Less about you being the right person, more about you being there right now. A few people said it was flattering that they had 'obviously pined after me for years'. It did not feel like that, just felt like they thought my guard was down and it was worth a chance. I am under no illusion I was their great love who got away. It felt like the height of disrespect, actually.

I have a lot of male friends, and in general, they seem to 'move on' after the end of a relationship much more quickly than my female friends.

I do think there is also an entitlement aspect. They have locked on to you as the person they are focused on and cant quite believe if you dont want to go along. Think of all the films and books about the persistent suitor who gets rewarded for it in the end.

As for how I am, thank you, I am touched that you asked. Vulnerable seems like such a over dramatic word compared to what you are dealing with. But I was struggling both times - the move back to the UK was disorienting and difficult and threw up obstacles I was not prepared for - and the last year of my mothers life was upsetting, exhausting and stressful - the pandemic meant all the carefully laid plans that had been made were out of the window. When she finally died, I dont think I have ever been so tired in my life - my health is only just recovering now and it is about 4 years later.

A lot of men have no insight into how demanding they are because they are not taught to think about other people in the same way women are. But as I said, each of these men felt predatory, and I would not have guessed it.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Please do yourself a favour - be crystal clear with him, tell him to stop and dont worry about his feelings and preserving the friendship. If he is a true friend he will accept your decision and back off. If he doesnt - that tells you everything you need to know.

Sending you support.

Well I hope you are seeing the worst in him because what he is doing is completely disregarding you as a person, your feelings, your situation or anything else except what he wants to do. He is grossly insensitive to you, and predatory. Please cut him out of your life. Your feelings mean nothing to him, so don't worry about his. You have asked him to stop contact, he has ignored it. You will feel so free when you get rid.

Oh crap, @smmontana - just saw the update. The response tells you everything - you are wrong, he is not, time to move on, etc etc. It looks less like clueless and more like predatory.

Its so gross, isnt it. I am so sorry.

wow you told him point blank to stop and he just carried on about a holiday. He is beginning to sound a bit obsessive and unhinged!

This ^ Anything else will encourage him.

I agree.

And it's at THIS point, blocking seems to be the only thing left to do. He completely bulldozed over you, ignoring your wishes and needs.

People change, and he doesn't sound like a very good friend to you anymore.

I'm so glad to hear you snapped at him! He is appalling. At least now you know he isn't clueless/socially awkward - he's just a predatory grifter.
My husband has been dead almost five years and I'd still not want any man chasing me. The gall of men assuming that there is now a 'vacancy' and he should be first in line to fill it. He can't have been a decent friend to your husband either.

Snapping at him didn’t seem to even resonate with him. He’s not listening to her at all. Just banging on about what he thinks. Get rid. You really don’t need this shit. He might have been supportive initially but he’s negated that a million times now. He’s not a good friend. Imagine going on holiday with him. He’d probably suggest sharing a room next.

Id tell him at the next message - stop contacting me or I'll block you. This is verging on harassment. Then block.

I always likened your ‘friend’s behaviour’ to, wolves circling round the vulnerable!
He is staking his claim, he wants to keep you so busy responding to his messages, as he fears you might get snapped up by someone else.
His idea of a holiday, isn’t of two friends getting away, he wants much more than just being a friend!
He is obsessively pursuing you under the guise of friendship, don’t let him in your home because he isn't to be trusted and could become forceful!
He isn’t the person you thought he was, he sounds unhinged and a stalker, you’ve told him not to message so much and he isn’t respecting your wishes.
Block him on your mobile, social media and see if you can block his emails.
I’m so sorry for your loss, the last thing you need is to be continually hassled and pursued by a predatory man.

Yup