Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

Can you flag the email as spam and block? Don’t respond at all and continue to do this if he keeps changing email addresses. Hopefully he will get the message. If not, you may have to involve the police or get a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter.

Sorry that you are going through this.

Gosh OP I’m d so I sorry to hear this. I myself am having sn utterly shit day today so I can completely understand. Absolute twat.

I wouldn’t engage any more with him - he absolutely doesn’t deserve an explanation

You poor woman.
I think this is when you reach out to the police on 101 for guidance and support.
This absolutely is harrament.
What a horror of a man.

I really wouldn’t reply to his new emails or new email address OP

I find if you ignore it annoys them more

I am sorry
It looks like the person you thought a friend is a predatory creep
Absolutely horrible and not what you want to deal with now.
I know you have blocked him but if he sends a message again please respond clearly that you do not wish him to contact you
That way if he carries on you have a clear trail for the police

You should probably ignore him, but I’d be telling this person to fuck off to the far side of fuck. What is wrong with him? How dare he?!

I agree. He needs brutal honesty or he’ll just end up coming to the house or something.

Oh, god, dont be sorry. We are here to support you.

As for him - fucking hell. What an asshole. I am so sorry. I hope that his fuckwittery makes you feel less guilty. He is really showing his colours. Whether it is predatory or clueless, the disregard for your feelings is astounding.

He does sound both unhinged and entitled enough to rock up to her front door, demanding that she engage with him.

I have seldom been so furious on someone else’s behalf!

This.

And do not apologise.

This is his actions and for him to be sorry not you.

Respond and tell him you consider his actions harassment and any further communication will be reported to the police. If he replies report it online to the police so they have a record of it.

I’d reply saying I have asked you repeatedly to stop contacting me. Any further contact from you will be regarded as harassment and reported to the police as such.

Whether he finds texts a burden or not is beside the point - you definitely do! And he should know that by now. Ignore all his messages and don't be afraid to report the harassment if necessary.

That’s very stalker ish. I’d send a final message telling h8m to stop messaging you or you’ll have to contact the police. Be serious, he is not overstepping, he’s CRASHING through your boundaries. Jeez.

OP - I'm sorry if I've missed something but from reading your posts I can't see that you have told anyone about this. Is there a trusted person you can talk to? It's really good that you have this thread, do keep checking in here as and when you need but is there also someone in real life you can involve? A neighbour, a sibling, a colleague a friend? They don't have to be super close. Just someone sensible and reliable. It may feel silly but actually it's not - you need someone to sense check. No one is going to think this man is being reasonable and you unreasonable.

Keep blocking. No replying. Have a notebook that you keep in a drawer or a folder that you keep out of main view on your device. Note down an incident then shut the book away in the drawer or close the folder. Know that everyone here is supporting you too.

Omg he’s awful & very selfish I really hope you don’t respond to him. If need be can someone you know and knows him have a word this isn’t on how he’s treating you it really isn’t. I’m sorry for your grief but he needs telling to fuck right off.

Don’t feel sorry for coming back to your thread to talk or get support. There is always someone on here. MN can be an incredible resource.

⭐️autocorrect changed that to men can be such an incredible resource…I don’t know if I should or .

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I think I would reply stating explicitly that you don’t want any further contact from him. The fact that he got a new email address to get around you blocking him shows that he doesn’t care in the slightest about how you feel. He thinks you’re unjustified in your reaction to his behaviour and expects you to tell you how it is and you to back down. This is actually starting to sound quite worrying. You’ve made it clear you don’t want to hear from him, and he’s just refusing to hear it. If he continues to harass you after you’ve told him you don’t want to hear from him again I think you might want to consider going to the police.

What a horrid little man - thinking he can just badger and harass his way into your life.

I think if you can you should speak to someone irl - not to scare you, but he is starting to sound unhinged, nasty and obsessed to the point of bordering on dangerous.

So sorry you are still going through this! But proves you were right in beginning severing contact. When he's finally gone, it will be so freeing x

It's time to report him for harassment. You need to start a paper trail because he's escalating and you might need to get a restraining order.

Block the new email. No response. Block anything he contacts you with and get screenshots. He's a predatory nasty dude and unfortunately, you're going to have to keep your guard way up. He is not a friend. He is not safe. You said no and instead of listening, he's gone full Creep. Keep your doors locked. Be alert when you're out of the house and if you see him coming, be ready to call your police emergency number and record. Time to get security cameras if you don't have them now. Do you have a friend to contact in case of trouble?

Dear OP,
I agree with this post & the many others who are saying the same thing.
Email to say you do not want any contact from him....do not apologise or give a reason. Be very clear & concise in your message.
If you receive more messages please ignore them, do not respond & report it online or by phone to the Police with screenshot evidence of you telling him to leave you alone.
Also tell a friend or family if you have not already done so.

Stay strong & safe OP.

I can’t believe how selfish he is. All he cares about are his own needs and what wants.

I really would send one final message along the lines of - ‘I will not say this again: your contact is unwanted so do not contact me again in any way for any reason or I will report you to the police.’

Hope you’re okay.

Oh @smmontana this is beyond the pale. I just looked up stalking & harassment recording as there is an app but I can't remember the name of it. The important thing is to log every unwanted comm in one place, and also when you've told him to get lost.
Every police force seems to have a form and they all say to contact them even if you're not sure whether it's stalking and/or harassment.
New emails to get around your blocking him is persistent and he's clearly not going to give up. A visit from a stern police officer might be the only thing he will take any notice of.
Hope you are ok and you have someone in your offline world to support you too.

It's absolutely clear, isn't it. He is going all out to get at you, for whatever reasons.

You've told him to stop messaging you - and he keeps doing it.

He's realised you've blocked him - and he makes a new email and carries on doing it.

You've told him how it makes you feel - and he dismissed it and basically denies doing what he's doing.

Might it be an idea to stop engaging with him in any way, and to get a solicitor letter telling him to stop?

And I would advise contacting the police and get a report number. They will then have a record of your fears at his hands.

www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

Ok so that's stalking. You have told him not to contact you, you have blocked him and now he has a new email address to circumvent that. I would report him to the police. If he tries something else report him again. Google one of the UK based stalking charities for advice/some support.