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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

272 replies

PeachySmile2 · 14/07/2025 20:54

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 14/07/2025 23:02

The thing that would worry me if he has the general attitude that the baby is OP's responsibility. Will he always be popping off here and there and expecting the OP to do all the parenting - because unfortunately you do see plenty of men like that. So OP I'd be asking him what happens if you have a 4 day hen the following weekend - will he be fine with you going? Will you get equal breaks and downtime or will he be dropping into the pub after work a few days a week and you'll be stuck at home.

4FoxxSake · 14/07/2025 23:03

You'll be fine. Make sure you're both fed, rest when the baby naps, do the minimum to keep the house ticking over.

My other half went away to work for a month when my eldest was 3 months old, no family, house was a bit of a tip, but it was fine.

Tetchypants · 14/07/2025 23:09

MascaraGirl · 14/07/2025 22:51

I think many of us would be uneasy about stag do’s, regardless of having a baby or small child/ren.

Whut? Why?

I wouldn’t - and didn’t - have any issue with my husband going away when our babies were that age. Neither did he when I went away a few weeks later. No we didn’t need our mummies to move in or make arrangements for help other than sorting out some easy meals. It might not have been easy but we managed, like any functioning adult should be able to.

Okiedokie123 · 14/07/2025 23:10

Some of the responses on this thread are so harsh and rude.

If you'd be fine with your dh doing this great but thats no reason to behave like the op is being pathetic for not being keen.
I wouldnt be happy either @PeachySmile2

It doesnt sound like he has thought about you at all in planning to go to this. My (now) exh went away for a week when our first was 6 months old (he had no choice in it). It was a hideous week for me. By no means was I a "dab hand" at it although yes I was very much the primary carer.

laurini · 14/07/2025 23:11

I dont think yabu. You have no idea how you'll be or how your baby will be. Sure - some people will be totally fine to be left alone but i would have found 4 nights a struggle and might actually have been a little resentful. I'm not saying you should stop him from going but I think you're right to be apprehensive and also a little pissed off if he doesn't appreciate what a big deal it is to be left alone for that long xxx

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2025 23:17

I can see why you would find this daunting.

I'd ask him what he is planning to do to make it easier for you. Not his mother, not your mother but him. At the very least I'd expect him to do a big shop, prepare some meals for the freezer that you can just shove in the oven, leave the house clean and take on extra night duties to give you the chance to be well rested (as much as possible!) before he goes.

I'd also be telling him that he has no right to outsource to your mum because it suits him. Your mum still works and has a full life. If he wants this trip to happen then it is up to him to do the majority of the work to make it happen. Your mum can be extra company for you but that's it. Grandparents can't be taken for granted like this.

mamaonearth · 14/07/2025 23:20

Everything @Nicollla said.
And my two pence-worth would be that I think it’s a really selfish thing for your partner to be planning when he knows it’s making you anxious. The first months are so so hard ime. You’re in this together and why should you have to worry and fret about his trip though the pregnancy and early post-partum days? My stance would be ‘I’ll see how we are doing when it comes to it and make a final decision then’ and whatever the outcome you shouldn’t feel guilty about it xx

NightDreaming · 14/07/2025 23:26

I am a bit torn tbh. Part of me thinks he should be able to go on the stag and you can call in family help if needed. Part of me thinks there’s probably no way you would go away on a hen do for 4 days leaving when baby is 4 months, leaving him to do everything.

If you were to say to him “fine book it, go, have a lovely time… but I’d like to do away solo the weekend after to recover and give myself a break” how would he respond?

notatinydancer · 14/07/2025 23:30

I think it will be fine.
Obviously you don’t know how the baby is going to sleep yet or what he’ll be like as a Dad.

Ponderingwindow · 14/07/2025 23:34

The couple haven’t even met this baby yet. They could end up with a child that can’t be put down without screaming. They could end up with a child with complex medical needs.

those of us who had difficult babies know that even one solo parenting would be a huge strain. Some people have easier babies and might barely notice the absence of the second parent.

Until they meet their child, it’s best to presume that parenting is going to require a complete and utter lifestyle change. If the change is less dramatic, then it can be a pleasant surprise.

TheLemonLemur · 14/07/2025 23:37

Plenty mums cope as single parents with babies on their own from day one. You will be fine and have 2 grans who can help if you're struggling - just remember it's your turn next time to have a weekend away with friends

VintedoreBay · 14/07/2025 23:59

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/07/2025 22:35

Sure, but 8-10 months they start eating food and sleeping for longer stretches and it’s quite different.

Show quote history

But that's just the point - it doesn't suddenly change overnight. It's a gradual progression of change over time.

Wethers121 · 15/07/2025 00:06

Sorry OP but I don’t think this is a big deal. Bank it and enjoy some time away later in the year with your friends

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/07/2025 00:17

VintedoreBay · 14/07/2025 23:59

But that's just the point - it doesn't suddenly change overnight. It's a gradual progression of change over time.

Show quote history

there are pretty defined progression points though, and 4 months is known for being a tough period.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/07/2025 00:21

If you have help then I guess it's ok, it's not newborn.
And if anything goes wrong with baby or you god forbid then he needs to just not go- the money will be spent either way

VintedoreBay · 15/07/2025 00:23

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/07/2025 00:17

there are pretty defined progression points though, and 4 months is known for being a tough period.

Show quote history

Indeed, there are many defined progression points through life, progression being the key word there...

Crochetandtea · 15/07/2025 00:50

I wouldn’t worry about this at all at this point in your pregnancy. No one can predict the future !
Once baby is here then you can discuss it! You will be fine though as long as baby is ok . Good luck for your pregnancy .

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2025 01:19

TheLemonLemur · 14/07/2025 23:37

Plenty mums cope as single parents with babies on their own from day one. You will be fine and have 2 grans who can help if you're struggling - just remember it's your turn next time to have a weekend away with friends

Have the grandfathers fallen down a well? Or are they incapable of helping for some ill-defined reason? Same reason the dad isn’t needed at all and can bugger off to get pissed.

Or when OP goes away for the weekend will the grandfathers step in?

Sorry for the tone but this idea that men exiting their responsibilities is OK because some women will step in is infuriating.

Shallana · 15/07/2025 01:19

Sorry OP but YABU. I have an 11 week old and DH is just back from a long weekend stag. I'm EBF and DH has been back at work for a while, so other than the fact I had to change a few more nappies, and couldn't get to the gym, it didn't make a whole lot of difference to me.

DurinsBane · 15/07/2025 01:26

I personally wouldn’t go

comfyshoes2022 · 15/07/2025 01:27

Four month sleep regression was absolutely horrible. Just to offer a different perspective: I’d be a million times more comfortable being on my own with a toddler than a four month old. I would not want my DH doing this.

TheLemonLemur · 15/07/2025 02:02

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2025 01:19

Have the grandfathers fallen down a well? Or are they incapable of helping for some ill-defined reason? Same reason the dad isn’t needed at all and can bugger off to get pissed.

Or when OP goes away for the weekend will the grandfathers step in?

Sorry for the tone but this idea that men exiting their responsibilities is OK because some women will step in is infuriating.

Show quote history

No I didn't assume anything what happened is I read the OP posts - she mentioned her mother not her father and stated her fil would drop off her mil hence why I mentioned 2 grans. Both parents are entitled to free time as i stated no need to make the post about something it's not....

doggydaydreams · 15/07/2025 02:21

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 14/07/2025 21:32

What age would you think it acceptable that he goes away?

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16?

savagedaughter · 15/07/2025 02:42

PeachySmile2 · 14/07/2025 20:54

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

As it's your first and you have no idea what will be going on at that time, he should very DEFINITELY be willing to just cancel if required.

He's thinking of himself, obviously, and will probably not miss the baby or you at all while he's away - sorry to say it, but it's likely true.

Anyway, so long as he is entirely happy to agree to cancel if required, and maybe at short notice, then I don't see a problem with him going ahead with the booking since you have agreed to it.

supersonicginandtonic · 15/07/2025 05:32

Oh dear! I personally think you're being unfair but then both me and my partner had time away from our kids when they were babies. I went on a 3 night hen do when baby was 5 months. My partner was more than capable.

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