Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

[PeachySmile2]

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

I think you're being unreasonable. How long do you expect life to stay on hold for? The baby will be 4 months not 4 days.

It's only 4 nights, OP! If your partner was in the army he could be away for months. Clearly, plenty of women look after babies on their own, so I don't know why you think you can't do it. Don't you want to prove to your partner that you're a strong, independent, capable woman?

I think it's an ok time for him to go tbh. Given he'd agreed to it before you knew about baby, paid the money etc, I think it's ok for him to go.

You won't be a completely new parent, you'll have found your feet a bit, baby is still immobile, you'll be on maternity leave and you don't have any older children to look after. Aside from potential sleep aggression, this is probably the high point of parenting for a long time. Or maybe that was just me.

I found it easier when he went away in the first 6 months, than the following 6 years.

In all honesty, we didn't go away much voluntarily in the first few years, mostly because our kids were such bad sleepers. But this is already committed to so I think it's a bit different.

I had no issue with my dh going away for a friends wedding when dc was a few months old. It’s only 4 nights, I’m sure you’ll survive.

Yabu. My husband worked away when ours were little. I coped for 5 days at a time with a new baby and a 2 year old. You’ll be fine. Let him go on his stag do.

Another yabu.

your baby will be 4 months. How will you cope when he goes back to work? You'll be solo parenting all day..

Good grief. My eldest was 4 months old before she even MET her dad. Managed perfectly well without him up until then

He isn't even a father yet. OP says the baby not due until Feb next year. So the OP is max 11 weeks pregnant

I get what you mean. When our first came along and we/he was invited to nights out, it would be the case that I’d stay home and my husband went out. Then he would be tired from night out and I’d want to do something together the next day after being stuck at home but he was tired and when I’d ask about the night and want an update about our friends, I’d get very little info. It felt like I’d done the parenting that was harder without him for 6 hours to get about 1 minute of conversation about the night. It was unbalanced. I grew resentful of it to be honest. More of our friends started having babies, husband pulled back from every social offering to the important ones, friends that were just acquaintances whittled down and we both became home bodies when the kids were young. We are getting better and going out now the kids are older. It’s hard to find your groove but it shouldn’t be all your sacrifice and then if you go out for a full day he has his mother over to look after baby because he is “tired”.

honestly unless we are talking a best/oldest friend situation then I’d be hoping he would say he can’t go.

Unfortunately these threads always and invariably turn into a competition of who had it the hardest.

As if that is a normal situation. Ridiculous.

Wow stag dos are outta control! 4 nights abroad?? Jaysus 😂

The fact he’s pissed off at you being a bit worried about this isn’t endearing your DH to me really. Hopefully you can get that family support lined up for some reassurance.

At 4 months we were just coming out the other side of some truly hairy breastfeeding complications which landed me in hospital - no way DP would have disappeared for 4 nights.

I think it is really tricky to know. My DH worked away and it really wasn't as hard as everyone thought. My advice would be to fully meal prep so you have nutritious food you can easily reheat plus go to bed with the baby (by 4 months I had a sort of routine established and about 7pm was bedtime - got baby asleep, did quick tidy and prep for the next day then in bed myself by 8pm). Based on my experiences I wouldn't mind at all and with DC2 he went at 6 weeks for a 6 day holiday and it was fine (he was however sensitive about it and recognised it might be difficult and was prepared to cancel if DC2 had been difficult or if I was not recovered or ok). However other people had trickier babies or deliveries and might well have struggled more and at 3 months ours was hospitalised for a week so it is hard to predict how you will feel, what will be happening etc. I would say let him book it but get him to realise that he might have to cancel it if you feel wouldn't be able to cope for whatever reason

By the time comes, you'll likely be glad of the break from him! 4 days of just you and the baby with nobody else to please. You can do anything you jolly well want!

4 months is a fabulous age. You can put them down and they won’t move, they are in a routine and they smile a lot.

You will be fine.

You are being very unreasonable. It's a baby not a bomb

My husband regularly goes away for 4 nights with work. I get family to stay every time. Call me precious etc… but it’s hard work and I need the moral support. I guess I could manage it, but I don’t want to, it’s relentless, especially doing nights alone. I know people with useless husbands who say it’s easier alone… well not if you have a good partner. I would suggest he goes for 2 nights if it’s a close friend. Compromise!

What? Sorry but you must have a terribly annoying husband to think that. Not normal at all.

I think 4 nights is a long time for a stag and the financial aspect / using annual leave etc would bother me a bit I think.

I can understand as a new mum - to - be why you’d be a bit upset - also your hormones will be going a bit bananas at the moment!

If he does go, by 4 months you will probably be absolutely fine, and if things are more challenging I echo what other posters have said about having family or a close friend come to stay - you might find you actually enjoy it!

Agreed. Assuming OPs husband isn’t a waste of space she won’t need a break 🙄

That's a fair point.

Op, I don't want to say YABU, because I totally understand how daunting it can be when you don't know what to expect.

By 4 months, my DH was working away, I had no family at all, and we had 3 DCs.
However, as the quoted poster rightly said, it shouldn't be about who's had it hardest.

I think a lot will depend on circumstances, and you'll only know what these are once the baby is here and you get into a routine.

You might have a chilled baby, and be in good health yourself - in which case you'd be absolutely fine.
On the other hand, you might get a terrible sleeper and be struggling with poor physical or mental health - then it's really not great.

Given that you do have access to a good support network, I'd be inclined to accept this, particularly if it's his brother or a close friend.
I'd be hoping that he does his share too, by prepping before he goes, and taking over when he gets home though.

YABU. I hated the four month age and mine still woke every two hours at that age BUT they are very portable and they don’t move when you put them down so they’re a lot easier to manage physically than a toddler. Your life (and your DH’s life) doesn’t end when you have a baby.

I went on my best friend’s hen for 3 nights when my first was 12 weeks old… so I don’t the issue personally. I really wouldn’t have wanted to miss it and actually baby was in an easy routine by then and sleeping through. My thought was I’d aim to go and could always cancel if we weren’t coping that well. Yes I’d have lost the money but I wanted to keep my options open so was happy to risk it. Could you DH do the same- plan to try to go but if it’s really shocking- baby won’t sleep and/or you have PND or something then would he agree to cancel? Or would he be amenable to going for 2-3 nights instead of the full 4? But I wouldn’t start off with he shouldn’t want to go, that is massively unfair and may be totally unnecessary.

It is for many people with partners in the forces. Not heard of the Gulf war? Or many other wars where the men were away for months

I think 2 nights is fair. 4 nights is a long stag do.

Where are they going?