Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

[PeachySmile2]

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

You could go stay with your mum or maybe plan a little mini break somewhere with her and the baby, you have plenty of time to sort something out.

Op it's 4 nights, you'll still be on Mat leave. Nothing to stop you from going to see your Mum for a few days, hang out with old friends, visit family near your Mum.

Chill it will be fine, and a huge confidence boost to you after it.

Just realised OP you are probably only around two months pregnant if you’re not due until February? It could be that the baby doesn’t seem very real yet to your DH, so I really wouldn’t be arguing with him over this. If you can afford to lose the £210 then he should just book it and you can worry about it a lot closer to the time (June 2026?!)

Get a grip!
Time away from a baby should work both ways. You have zero idea what trips you'll want to take.
He's going on a stag not emigrating to Australia.
I say this as a 30 weeks pregnant, full time working capable woman.

I wouldn't have put it so harshly but im agreeing with this tbh.
At four months you will have established a routine and they are usually quite easy to manage.

My biggest panic was the first day dh went back to work and I was all alone. He was self employed and went back on the third day I was home. After that I planned in my head what I was going to do and roughly what I wanted to achieve the following day. It usually worked out.

OP I agree you are massively overthinking this to be concerned before the baby is here. Life doesn’t stop when you have a baby-life events carry on! He is not unreasonable to want to go at all. Yes it’s 4 nights but he’s already paid and it was agreed before you knew you were pregnant. So he’s not being a selfish arse to want to still go.

The first few weeks can be a whirlwind of euphoria mixed with panic, self doubt and really test your relationship. But at 4 months I think you’ll be in a routine of sorts, will be taking baby out to baby groups etc and have established what day to day looks like.

Hes suggested extra family support which is sensible to have but I would suggest for now you continue to plan for him to go and reassess it at 3 months. If you have a Velcro baby, are struggling in lots of ways or have any PPD issues or concerns then you would absolutely be within your rights to ask him to reconsider. I suggest you set this out with him and agree when to review it and ask that he is onboard with stepping out of it if you both agree you need him at home

But he's not at war. This is not some sacrifice for the good of the country. It's a 4 day piss up.

I think it’s ok

And? Doesn't make it any more difficult to care for a baby for 4 days while he's on the piss than 4 months while dads away at war

Yabu. You have almost a year till the stag do. Loads of time to organise extra help if needed.

let him go. you are overthinking things , my dh worked shifts and I managed alone a lot of the time , if I can do it anyone can

You’re pregnant. But have you had a baby? Preferably a colicky, non-sleeping, crying, Klingon baby. Because if you haven’t, you’re talking nonsense!

Fortunately, so is the OP’s DH and once the baby is here, he may understand why leaving a few weeks old baby is hard.

Failing that OP, leave him with baby for four days the week after. See what he thinks of that being fair and normal! You wouldn’t of course because that would be insane. Men want to be full parents, they should act like it.

Sure, but 8-10 months they start eating food and sleeping for longer stretches and it’s quite different.

He is not taking the piss.
Let him go and have fun.
You'll be fine with baby. My husband regularly had to leave us mon-fri for work, you'll be fine.
Look at it as special time with you and bubs.

You will be fine.
Let him go
Only 4 days

You've kind of answered your own question here. You don't actually know how difficult or easy it will be. Kindly, stop worrying about it for now and cross the bridge when you get to it. You may think very differently by then - you're planning a year ahead with no benefit of hindsight.

Ignore this stupid idiot. You are absolutely right! The chances are that if it's your first child, he doesn't know what the reality of it will be like and he might change his mind once the baby is here xx

Unlikely to still be in the newborn trenches at four months. Like a lot of pp have said you will have an established routine usually by 4 months. However, there can always be exceptions if something is more complicated for you or for baby. Not everyone’s experience is the same, but no way can you know that now. My M.O. is always hope for the best, prepare for the worst. So I would say plan on him going - it’s not an unreasonable request - but perhaps discuss that he may need to cancel at short notice if there is a big issue with you or baby, or have a support back up plan if needed. My baby is 4 months old now and I could do this no issue, however I had a relative with severe PND who absolutely could not. You’ve said you can afford to lose the money paid out but no need to do that at this stage, see where you are first.

Similar here. I had the worst post natal anxiety and my first born had silent reflux. At 4 months she was still struggling with feeding and I was a mess. My hands would shake every time I had to feed her (not rational I know) and I would go to bed dreading wakening up and going through each day again. My husband would work from home when he could. There's no way I could have coped with him going away at this time. Fast forward to now and he's going away next week for a few days with friends and I'm home with my 2 kids who are older now and much more manageable and it's no problem. Those early stages especially with your first can be extremely overwhelming. However with help and support with other family members it should be ok.

I'm holding my 4 month old now, he looks tiny to others but feels massive and sturdy to me ! I don't think 4 months is thr newborn trenches really, I think you'll be ok :)

Edit : I'm actually backtracking, I had PND with my first and doing the maths 4 months was actually still incredibly hard. Can he commit but obviously if something like that happens he pulls out ?

I'm surprised at the responses. I think it's reasonable and totally understandable to feel daunted as you've never had a baby before. I wonder if people would have the same opinion if the Op was going away for 4 nights. Where is the stag do? Does he have to go for the full 4 nights? I think I'd let it happen, but only if I could arrange some help as at that age things can be very hit and miss sleep wise. I think I'd need his agreement that he would pull out closer to the time if I didn't think I could cope.

I think the difference when you have the first child is that you can work everything around them so if you end up in pj’s in front of the tv eating ready meals for 4 days it’s absolutely fine. You cannot do that when you have another child in the mix. That would be a completely different scenario. I was back at work and commuting when both DC were 4 months old so I would think being at home for 4 days alone would be fine.

Financially, is this going to cause an issue given you’ll presumably be on mat leave? That’s possibly a bigger issue if funds are tight. There should be money available for you to do a similar trip and not massively compromise on family time/trips too.

I think many of us would be uneasy about stag do’s, regardless of having a baby or small child/ren.

Personally I think it's fine for him to go. After 4 months you'll be a dab hand at minding your baby - don't worry about that. If it's part of a wider pattern of disinterest then that's obviously a bigger issue.

Why?

I think you’re feeling like this due to the pregnancy hormones tbh. It’s your first baby together so you’re looking for reassurance that he’ll “put you first” and be there for support, but him going on a stag do doesn’t mean he’s failed you and the baby.

You will likely find that by 4 months you’ll be well into the groove. You’ll have found your feet/confidence, baby will be in a bit of a routine etc. Most of the time women become the primary care givers so you’ll be used to doing everything with baby. Sleep might still be tricky (totally depends on the baby - DD didn’t sleep through till 10 months but my 8 week old has slept through a couple of times in the last week already).

The only thing is, you cannot be sure of any of it. You might develop postpartum depression and not feel comfortable without him etc. Obviously I would hope that that doesn’t happen, but for that reason I’d advise him to not book his plane ticket till much closer to the time!