to think people with nice parents have no clue what toxic parents are like?

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I keep seeing people say things like “I wish I still had my mum or dad around” or “You’ll regret it when they’re gone” and honestly it really gets to me. It’s said like it is a set truth. Like if you don’t feel that way about your parents there’s something wrong with you.

But some of us didn’t get loving supportive parents. Some of us got toxic manipulative ones who made our lives miserable and who we’re still trying to recover from. I get that people who had decent relationships with their parents feel that loss and I’m not saying they shouldn’t. But it’s frustrating when they assume everyone had the same experience.

It feels like people with nice parents just can’t imagine anything else. It’s always family is everything and you’ll regret cutting them off and never any space to say actually no this person hurt me over and over and I have every right to protect myself.

I won’t miss them when they’re gone. Maybe I already spent years grieving the parents I never had.

I absolutely agree. I wouldn't necessarily say my parents are toxic, but we've had a very long and difficult relationship. My DM is very critical and I clearly irritate my father whenever I'm in the same room.

They are now late 80s and I won't cut them off, although I limit contact and I'm pretty sure I won't miss them when they are gone. It will be a relief to escape from the guilt of not ever having been the child they wanted. I'll be honest, I wish they'd died sooner as they bring very little that is positive to my life.

Of course not. Just like people without kids don't understand the exhaustion of the newborn stage, and people without disabilities can't truly understand the limitations they impose.

People, in general, need to understand that their experiences don't make them experts on everyone else's.

I totally agree. I had loving parents but I’m not so solipsistic that I extrapolate that to everyone else.

You get the same on in-law threads. Someone describes absolute car crash of a father or mother-in-law and in wanders Peggy-Mae in a cloud of patchouli and sanctimony to point out they raised the OP’s husband so can’t be that bad. They then throw their killer blow that one day the OP will be an in-law, forgetting she has the obvious option not to be a cunt at that juncture.

Sorry I hit YABU by mistake, I was meant to hit YANBU

You’re right. And sadly it’s even harder grieving a bad parent than a lovely one with whom you had a good relationship.

You can easily change your vote by clicking on the button you meant to choose.

Please do it, because this is an important poll.

Yes me.
Mine were far from perfect but both loved me, then I met dh parents it took me such a long time to understand what the hell was going on I assumed they loved dh.

They only love themselves

Of course they don't understand fully, as they have had no experience of it. Everyone is aware that some people have toxic or abusive parents, but that's not the norm. When people say 'family is everything', they are generalising. They aren't unaware that this isn't the case for some people. Sorry you had awful parents, OP.

@LightDrizzle well

That summed it nicely 🤣🤣

I may use that next time, here comes a Peggy mae

I was thinking exactly this earlier on today , OP . I’ve tried to tell other people who had an idyllic upbringing compared to mine , but they don’t believe it or can’t comprehend it . A happy secure upbringing is so so important. It’s the foundation for happiness, optimism, confidence and high self esteem and money or class dosent come in to it .
I’m not going to go into my upbringing in detail but all I can say is thank god for my Grandparents who am I sure if they were in better health and younger with a spare room would have taken me in when I was battered black and blue and hidden from going to school until the bruises faded .

No such thing as a perfect parent and it's the hardest job of all.
I'm a parent and acknowledge that I got some things right and some things wrong.

Just tap the other one and change your vote.

I absolutely LOVE this…..I’m going to remember the “ Peggy Mae” quote…

how very true…..love and support to you all …

No, there's no such thing as a perfect parent.

But there are parents whose parenting falls desperately short and who damage their children in the process.

And then there are good-enough parents. Parents who provide their children with love and stability.

My rule in life is: don't listen to advice from people who have zero understanding of your situation. People with neurotypical children are always ready with advice for parents of neurodiverse children, genuinely believing that what works for them will work for you. Same applies to people with loving parents, advising people with manipulative parents. Just ignore it or have a couple of platitudes ready like, 'I'll bear that in mind' or 'Food for thought' or 'thanks for the advice' so you don;t have to waste any headspace on what the are saying.

I agree
Despite working within a social care field, once when I described the difficult relationship I had with my mother, I was looked at like I had 2 heads. The only empathy I had was from a male colleague, all the females had close relationships with their mothers...going on holiday together, several visits a week etc.
Fortunately I've another close friend with a toxic mother who absolutely gets it.

I agree completely.

Im NC with my abusive family and the judgement I get from people with good parents is unbelievable. People seem to assume that all parents behave the same way and feel the same way, when it is simply not true. It must be nice to be that privileged and naive.

I agree OP, I have a toxic mother and a lovely dad, but lovely dad doesn't like to rock the boat and obviously loves her so as a result we have been NC for many years.

Even.if they were difficult, you can still miss them.
Sometimes you.love people fault and all.

You can change your vote.

Thank you for teaching me a new word today. I've never heard of solipsistic before but shall now endeavour to slip it in somewhere this week!

I agree. I was once told “you’ll miss her when she’s gone” like I was the villain or something!! Wouldn’t miss her at all, don’t think I’d care any less. There is nothing to mourn, she is a truly cruel human being.

Can I put in a word for people whose parents aren't toxic per se but who are just a bit useless?

I think some people with nice parents are intelligent enough to understand that others aren't so lucky. Others will come out with silly comments like "Oh well, no one's perfect" as they don't have the capacity to understand.
There will be another group who were/are abusive themselves. They are going to downplay abuse as much as possible and try to blame the victim.

This, I grieved for the mother that I deserved not the one I had.