to think people with nice parents have no clue what toxic parents are like?

[pppaper]

I keep seeing people say things like “I wish I still had my mum or dad around” or “You’ll regret it when they’re gone” and honestly it really gets to me. It’s said like it is a set truth. Like if you don’t feel that way about your parents there’s something wrong with you.

But some of us didn’t get loving supportive parents. Some of us got toxic manipulative ones who made our lives miserable and who we’re still trying to recover from. I get that people who had decent relationships with their parents feel that loss and I’m not saying they shouldn’t. But it’s frustrating when they assume everyone had the same experience.

It feels like people with nice parents just can’t imagine anything else. It’s always family is everything and you’ll regret cutting them off and never any space to say actually no this person hurt me over and over and I have every right to protect myself.

I won’t miss them when they’re gone. Maybe I already spent years grieving the parents I never had.

I literally don't know anyone with perfect parents, maybe I'm an oddity.

It's more that these sort of people are low in empathy have little ability to put themselves in anyone else's shoes and don't care to try.

You get the same people telling bereaved people "God works in mysterious ways" or women who have had a miscarriage "Well, you can always get pregnant again".

They just enjoy flapping their gums and making themselves feel important, and if they can somehow find a way to think that their good luck was earned and they are special and superior which is why that particular brand of bad shit hasn't happened to them, they will grasp at that straw.

And specifically with truly bad parents, if it is clear the parent was actually abusive, and someone is still minimising this, it's generally because they sympathise with the abuser because they have abusive tendencies themselves.

Mine's on her last legs at the moment. I have "had the talks" with her and reached a much better understanding. My siblings are furious that I'm not running around to help. I wasn't actually sure how I'd be when this time came - I find I've already grieved, don't need to extend it.

Before I saw your reply, I was thinking of commenting something about how other people's "But it's your MUM!" cuts even sharper when your entire childhood was dedicated to understanding your parents, cutting them insane (literally) amounts of slack for being crap or downright harmful to you, their vulnerable and dependent child.

Once you've spent the first 20 years of adulthood trying to repair the damage they caused, the very last thing you need is some smug twat ordering you to understand those parents some more and cut them extra slack.

This is true, I've one of each a lovely parent and a very troubled narcissistic one, both took suddenly and seriously Ill at the same time, whilst I wanted with every fibre of my being for the good one to survive, there was also a peace around it, I knew they had loved me and always wanted the best for me and it wasn't this horrible complex mixed emotion thing like it was with the bad one. The bad one weaponised their ill health to guilt, shame and scare me all the way. Both actually survived and it turned out the bad one had totally fabricated their terminal illness although it was a year of emotional torture before I found that out. People are kind and supportive but I still get some 'it's your mum' type rhetoric as they can't comprehend a damaging mum figure. My close circle I think would lock me away if I ever contemplated getting involved with her again.

@Goldenbear you may not, but it’s a sliding scale of parents who are a bit crap, but on the whole try their best but have ended up damaging their children accidentally, to parents who are absolutely terrible human beings who don’t actually care about their children at all and should have had their children taken from them but managed to slip under the radar.
It feels dismissive to say that to the people who’s parents physically assault them (not smacking for ‘discipline’ but full on attack their children/adult children when they’re drunk) steal money from them, verbally abuse them, neglect them (not feeding them, making sure they have clean clothes that fit, access to sanitary products, pulling them out of school under the guise of ‘homeschooling’ but then not doing anything remotely like homeschool- just because your too drunk in the mornings to do the school run) and things even worse.

Thanks for starting this thread OP. It's a deep, corrosive loneliness when, not only do you grow up with cruelty and complete lack of support behind closed doors, but dismissal and denial about it from others when you as much as briefly mention it in adulthood when trying to recover, including being treated as the villain of the piece for getting away to try to protect yourself enough to be functional. Hearing similar stories to mine over the last few years and finding a few core people to talk to has been the most healing thing, even just to know my reactions are normal.

Whenever I get told I’ll miss her when she’s gone regarding my mum& to make amends or I’ll regret it, I tell them I grieved the mother/daughter relationship already, there’s no love lost. I won’t regret never speaking to her again, my only regret is not cutting her off sooner. My children have met her, they dislike her as do all of my nieces and nephews.

I’ve yet to meet a more toxic, self centred, loves no one but themselves person who’s only consistent feature in life is failure.

This! I’m the villain in many of my mums stories, was told I’ve always been evil…. As she was actively trying to steal money from me ☠️

Unfortunately I think this scenario is very common. My sympathies! I hope that as these issues are discussed more and more people will be able to understand what is really happening.

When I was 5, I told my teacher my dad had died. It was wishful thinking. The bastard waited until I was 47 to actually die & I felt nothing - no sadness, happiness or relief, just nothing. Lately I've started to mourn the father I wish I'd had, I never allowed my brain go there before because it felt like self-pity, but letting that rage out has been very therapeutic. As I age, I'm noticing that a happy childhood really does = better adult life in the majority & that's made me even more angry. Anyone who's had a less than adequate childhood really should seek help to unpick & come to terms with it. It damages a person in ways you don't realise until you've got a lot of life experience under your belt. I wish I'd dealt with all of this when I was younger.

Even though I'm a widow, I've never once felt the urge to tell someone with an abusive husband "Oh well, no one's perfect. Lucky you still having a husband. You'd miss him if he went." Because I'm not dim.

If people don't like that you're estranged from a parent, ask them 'would you tell your child to keep going back to the person who was abusing them?' This will shut them up.

:D

I had my in-laws carefully explained to me on another thread. This patchouli-scented individual managed to precisely identify me as a selfish and callous bitch from a few mere posts, but could also tell me in great detail about my in-laws kind and loving natures in spite of never having met them, and their only evidence of their behaviour being my own fucking words.

(Incidentally I had initially described an "Ok-ish compromised relationship with MIL", who would have been very surprised indeed by the patchoulis description of her.)

Yes its hard. They have no idea. My mother is very difficult. Calm for now that can change. I get ah you wont have her forever alot. She 80s. Sigh.

Same here, lovely kind dad but toxic mother, and sadly she was the one in control. She died about 25 years ago and it's only recently that I have felt some sympathy for her, God knows why, but she must have been very unhappy to treat her lovely kind husband and three daughters that way. Anyhow yes, my DH had nice parents and doesn't really get it that some of us didn't have that.

I was NC with my Dad and everyone would tell me how much I’d regret it when he was gone.

He died 13 years ago and I’ve never regretted it. I feel sad that things couldn’t have been different but I still know it was the right thing. He was a thoroughly nasty, toxic bully and I tried very hard, repeatedly over many years to improve our relationship with no success and at great detriment to myself. Sometimes you have to put yourself and your immediate family (ie. children) first.

This topic came up at work the other day and one well-meaning lad said 'people walk away too easily'

It took me 31 years to walk away

They never loved me
She stole money,stuff and my self esteem (at a time when I couldn't afford to lose a penny-they took thousands)
She tried (and in some cases succeeded) in ruining my relationships with partners and friends
They both knew I was homeless at one point and laughed about it
They tried to ruin my relationship with my children
They lied and lied about me-even to this day I hear about their lies and they don't have one original lie to tell
They couldn't be bothered to bring me up and dumped me on my amazing grandad (who I still mourn to this day)
They where spiteful and cruel
They played me off with my siblings and now I have no relationship with them or anyone else I'm related to
They rubbed my nose in how much money they have,but refused to spend a penny on me and laughed at how much I was struggling at a time when an odd tenner would have made such a difference (but could pay for my siblings to go on holiday and driving lessons/new cars)
Refused to lift a finger when I was a clueless new mum and laughed at me when I asked for advice but where fast to tell me I was doing it all wrong and she'd either ended up 'emotionally stunted' or 'she'll die if you do that' (just what you need when you've just had a baby)
Tried to control every part of my life-from the clothes I and the kids wore to where I went
Laid on guilt trips when I didn't dance to their tune
Openly hated me
Battered me more than once (in front of my dc)

But according to many,I walked away because my parents where not perfect

And I want to add,I met my now,not perfect but good enough dp long after I walked away-we have been together 10 years in May,she made sure that every other relationship I ever had lasted less than 2-coincidence?I think not-ive heard shes storing up her bile for if she ever meets him,'i'll tell him the truth about her and break them up,she'll end up with nothing' (which is the aim)

She's a cruel woman who won't be coming anywhere near him,not because I'm frightened of what lies she'll tell him,but because I don't want my gentle,loving,kind and amazing dp anywhere near her brand of evil

I agree. We are NC with all of DH's family and people have no idea of the heartache he went through, first with his parents (who he was NC with before he met me) and now his sister who has also caused me a lot of pain. On one occasion, a relative stepped in to tell me of for not being supportive of his sister, after she had been toxic and abusive to me and tried to weaponise her own child and my husband's child, and it was extremely damaging. It's not a choice he/we made lightly and for people to make flippant comments when they know nothing of what we've gone through is not OK.

I think many people don't realise how lucky they are for a variety of reasons, disability, wealth, privilege of birth, having decent parents, area you grow up in, victim of abuse, etc etc.

Then they make sweeping statements about how they 'worked hard to get what they have, why should their taxes support X Y or Z'

I hate it when 'well noones perfect' comes up on these threads. My one parent is not perfect, and made mistakes, but the overall picture is of someone who actually did do their best, actually tried different parenting tactics, actually got to know us as individuals and parented accordingly, and treated us as they would hope to be treated themselves. Other parent would say they did their best and loved us, but ultimately went from 0 - 60 when we didn't do what they wanted or we didn't like the things they thought children are meant to like, or teased us endlessly without any kind words to balance out then moaned when we stopped finding it funny but kept doing it (other parent knew that good natured teasing has to be balanced out with kindness!)
I am expected to treat my parent with kindness on the basis that noones perfect, but they did not parent me on the basis that I am also not perfect, and I was not the child they thought children should be (and im talking shy and studious, I wasn't a monster)

They have zero sea.

My dad was difficult, he died when I was a teenager though and we weren't going through a good phase when he passed away. Toxic is probably too strong a word, but life was easier afterward with just my mum around so I do 'get it'.

No one knows anyone with perfect parents. That’s not the subject of this post. Less than perfect parents is in no way the same as consistently toxic parents: parents who put their own emotional needs above yours, parents who consistent refused to see you as an individual with your own unique perspective, parents who played the drama card and made everything into them every damned time, parents who demanded as a small child that you think life an adult and consider their ‘perspective’ of how much ‘pressure’ theyre under, parents who never allowed yoh to havd feelings unless those feeling were something they could hijack to look good, or like the hero, or likd the victim, parents who would play one up man shop games - if you had a horrid cold then they’d nearly died from the flu and still trudged on, parents who see theif children as some diet of extension of themselves.

You are talking of something normal. Yhd OP is highlighting the toxically abnormal that actually causes brain damage in yhd form of changed brain structure.

You are clearly one of those who has zero Idea - and how very fortunate you are.

It's complicated... My parents were far from perfect and they made many mistakes, sometimes bad ones. But I have no doubt that they did love me in their own way. I think nowadays the criteria of what should be good parenting are really, really high and we have a tendency to apply these criteria to our parents from 30 years ago which I think is not fair. I used to be very critical of them for some time, but when I have my children now, I see that parenting is not an easy job at all.

yeah I hate it when people haven't had the exact same life experiences as I have, and they dont make an effort to accommodate the specific experiences i have had.