Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

@BlackCatsForever I doubt it's the stepkids that get mad. Much as I hate to tout the 'evil stepmother' trope, it's probably coming from her. And the OP's ex is too much of a spineless dickhead to divert from the path of least resistance and stand up for his son.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to go where I don’t ’fit in’. Perhaps you need to intervene and speak to his dad on his behalf, they need to build some bridges or you son will forever resent his dad.

Maybe the wife is funding the holiday for her children and just wants it to be them? Maybe her children only have the opportunity to holiday with her? Your son also has you to take him away on a
family holiday. Perhaps dad could take his son away on a separate holiday to spend some one on one time with him? I can see how it would upset him but they are naturally going to do things as a family without your son as he doesn’t live with them. You can’t expect them not to go for meals etc just because he isn’t there.

I don't think this is remotely fair (assuming the OP is being honest), but even if it was...so what. I don't think children should be obliged to fit round their parents' love lives. Ultimately the OP's son didn't ask to have a bunch of random strangers in his life. That's a choice his father has made, because it suits his father. If the 14yo doesn't want to play happy families, it's up to the father to work on maintaining a one on one relationship with his son. I think thats the case even if the dad and stepmum weren't crap, which it sounds like they are.

The ex should damn well grow up and act like a father. He's ridiculous.

Oh crikey, please don’t do this.

I faced years of the first wife essentially snitching to granny (who doesn’t even live in the country), and granny then calling to kick off at my partner with a half truth she’d heard third hand…

He’s now no contact with his mum.

So called 'blended' families can be such a nightmare.
There's obviously a serious problem that needs attention and care, but I can't think that repeating a disastrous family holiday will make things better between your son and his dad. The poor lad is probably tense and upset all the time he's with the mum and her 3 offspring.
You might ask DS if he can think of something that would help and be manageable, like having a regular outing just the two of them doing something they both like.

Rather staggered that posters would seek to judge a 13/14 year old boy than look at the ongoing choices made by his father.

If you’ve got a poor relationship with your child then you look at what you can do as the adult to improve it.

Lazy arse parenting from the father, leaving it to the Op to worry and figure out. It’s highly damaging for any child to feel rejected by their parent - at least he has one parent prepared to put some thought into it.

I see several posters have recommended counselling - I think that would be valuable and help him to articulate his thoughts.

Sounds like the other side of SM family are causing trouble on holiday and your son is/was affected by the upheaval unpleasantness and stress of it all.

Poor lad. It doesn’t excuse how his dad said it was bad and not correct who it was that caused all the upset.

If I have it correct it was SM side causing it.

Ugg this is so messy. I do feel for your son. I honestly think you should be encouraging a reduction in contact as it will be messing with his head. From your first post I was more 50:50 but it does sound like his dad has sort of replaced him with a new family. I think you have to speak to ex again even if he tries to shut the conversation even if it’s a ‘son seems unhappy, we need to think about what is happening and how to support’.

This is total rubbish.

The son is 14 and didn’t ask for his parents to split up. His father’s behaviour is rejecting him over and over again. No wonder he’s struggling

I'll bet step mum is the main issue behind all this. Has it been since he married her that he stopped talking to you? I bet she moans about ds ruining their perfect family of 4 and ds has caught on to this atmosphere. Granted your ex dh is no saint in all of this and should do more to help blending the step kids with his ds or as other posters have said, do 1 on 1 holidays. I'd also bet that the conversation ds overheard has absolutely destroyed his confidence and thinks he can't compete with this 'perfect family '. He's 14 for crying out loud. So for ex dh to have said that makes him a massive cunt.

Honestly, he doesn't get along with them and hides in his room when he visits. There is no way he would enjoy the cruise.
I understand him feeling hurt and left out, but in reality it is best for him as well as them.
Ideally his dad would take him for something shorter but equivalent, just the two of them.

I don’t know if I’ve missed it but is SC dad in the picture, I’m guessing not. Your ex is being set up as their dad now.
I have seen men do this though. It’s much easier to be dad to the SC who are there all the time rather than their part time child. He is close to destroying his relationship with his son.

The holiday doesn’t sound ideal. What dad should have said though is, I don’t think this would be a good holiday for you, so why don’t we do something together later. It doesn’t sound like he would do that as it would exclude SC.

I think the thing of having to share snacks with SC is frankly pathetic, especially adult SC.

Sounds like dad's new wife and her 3 have successfully pushed him out of the family.

Dad's a terrible father for allowing it to happen, but he clearly just wants an easy life at home so isn't looking at what has actually caused the issues his son is facing in dad's home and with his 'new family'. Poor kid.

Right, have more time and have read it all again and I do totally feel for your son. The step-family are not just excluding him, but actively doing this to the extent - as with posting pics of them doing things on the WhatsApp group - to the point that it is almost bullying. If this were a friend group, you'd tell him to get some better friends who like him, because that's what he deserves. FWIW they also seem a) insecure and b) quite stupid if they believe in total fairness to the point of a McDonalds when the eldest child is 25.

As I said, this was how I grew up too, and it's such a damaging environment to feel that you are the least worthy of everyone in the whole group. But you cannot say this. Please do find him some counselling, and ideally a good, proper therapist, so that he can work out what he wants to do and then follow through on it.

One of the reasons he might be wanting to be 'fair' is because he is so used to the idea that his needs and wants come last for them. He needs someone - from outside the system - to tell him that it's fine to put some distance between himself and the people who are not treating him right. And if you do this, you will save him from so much grief in later life.

I understand your son's feelings, and why you are annoyed but I don't think forcing them to take him is going to improve anything.
Whilst there is presumably a contact arrangement in place, at 14, your son can presumably make some decisions regarding this

As a SM whose DSC made it clear they didn’t want me around, I agree with this. I booked holidays for DH and our DC. He should be spending equal holidays with his son alone, and this is for your ex to organise, not the SM. Forcing people who don’t like each other to spend holidays together in the name of ‘fairness’ is a waste of time for everyone involved.

Sorry, but what does the 25 year old do for a living. Surely they have their own money, why can’t they buy their own sweets or McDonald’s. Same actually goes for the 19 year old also.

I disagree. I wouldn't dream of leaving my child behind for 50% of my holidays.

Most decent parents would agree with me.

When I was younger I was in a similar position as your son, my dad had remarried and when I was made to go out with him and his new family, it did make me feel left out, my step mother made no effort with me and would only do activities with her children and ignore me, it's a very hard position to be in. My advice would be don't push him, explain to his dad how he feels and how what they are doing is affecting him, why can't his dad take him away for a weekend just the 2 of them? You have to remember they have all grow up together and have that family dynamic where your son hasn't got that with them, and I would say any little thing he does will be seen as wrong! Give him a big hug from me, as I know how horrible it is and for me it never got better, even when my dad died I was made to feel an outsider at his funeral x

I really feel for your son and agree with the posters who have said this isn’t about a holiday. It’s about him feeling excluded from his Dads new family.

He is a child and it shouldn’t be on him to be making decisions about keeping going to his Dads to try and please Dad. This is where I would be stepping in and taking back some control. Remove him from any WhatsApp groups that upset him. Tell Dad he’s not going to spend as much time there and tell him why. You do have control over this and your son is too young to be shouldering the responsibility of making these decisions. Poor kid is trying to keep everyone happy but needs to have someone who is in his corner.

It sounds as though Dad will never step up and have a one to one relationship with your son. That’s absolutely awful but better to accept it and deal with it rather than keeping trying to please him in the hope that things will change.

Facilitate a relationship with your ex in laws and pull right back on the amount of time he’s spending at Dads house - it will cause him so much trauma.

I get on really well with my exMIL. I don't snitch on my ex at all, she's been an amazing support to my daughter, my daughter however snitches on her dad all the time and granny is the first person she calls when she's upset with her Dad.

Just to add too. I may not agree with my exs wife on everything but we have a very civil relationship, were facebook friends, she always kisses me on the cheek when she sees me etc..

You’ve suggested in your original post that OP “reaches out” - which is a different thing from what’s happening with your daughter. @Acatcalledfawkes

Yeah because men who've remarried famously do prioritise their former families over the shiny bright new ones they've created with their shiny bright new wife.