Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

However, I've also tried to encourage him to speak to his dad about how he feels because he doesn't want me to.

As you (and others) keep pointing out, your son is a child. I understand he doesn't want you talking to his father but as he isn't emotionally equipped to deal with this situation you need to be the adult here and intervene because the situation is clearly escalating. If you respecting DS's wishes results in more emotional damage to your son than the discomfort he might feel about you talking to his dad, then respecting his wishes isn't appropriate. Talk to your DS again and explain that the situation cannot carry on as it is, and give him some options as to how to approach the situation so he still has an element of control but is clear that he cannot continue as per the current dynamic.

Is it worth reaching out to your exes mum and trying to find out what her perspective on this is?

I have always focused on the holidays I have taken my kids on and less about my exes. My exH is quite senior now in scuba diving, he's dived all over the world, regularly goes on trips costing thousands. Never once taken his daughter, every time I suggest it he says no. I just focus on us and research any trips I take the kids on to make sure its something they will really love.

Maybe 14yr DS will be much happier away from them? 😊

I’m sorry your DS is experiencing this OP.

His Dad is in no way a good Dad at all. He has usurped him with a new family who he places more value on than his biological offspring who is still a child.

I’d be having a very honest conversation with your DS in that:

1. his father is putting his new family first - a good Dad would have seriously considered the impact of a new wife and THREE older step siblings on his young teen, he is completely outnumbered and DAD is enabling and allowing his wife and her children to make him feel surplus to requirements. The wife and her kids are irrelevant really, it’s the DAD who is in control of who he has in his life and exposes his child to.
2. None of this is DS’s fault as he WILL feel rejected and possibly blame himself for not being good enough for his Dad now he has a new family.
3. You don’t have to be loyal to someone who’s not loyal to you, family or not. He is allowed to feel what he feels and if he doesn’t feel comfortable in his Dad’s home, he doesn’t have to go. He can share his feelings with his Dad in a letter and shouldn’t be afraid of his Dad’s reaction for doing so. The opportunity to process those feelings in a safe space should be offered and encouraged as this situation will not change, his Dad has made his choice, and will probably only get worse as your DS progresses through his teen years.

Good luck to you both.

I almost wish I hadn't read this thread, OP. because I feel so bad for your son! I don't see how he can keep his self esteem up with the way they're treating him, and low self esteem can be damaging for life.

I think you should emphasize that he's not obligated to go somewhere where he's treated with less kindness than he deserves, and allow him to walk away in his own time. His dad now needs to rebuild their relationship separate from his new family, if he can be arsed.

Sounds like last year's holiday was a disaster and your son actively avoids contact with his step mother and her children when visiting.

Did he really want to be included on this one seeing as the last one was so miserable?

Last year's holiday was with his blood relatives, with his step family added. Have I understood that right? But yet, he had 'issues' and felt that he didn't feel part of the family - mostly his biological family.

Now his dad is taking the step family and not including his son, who wasn't happy away with his blood family. On a cruise he will not have a cabin to himself and will have to share with one or more of his step siblings, unless someone is rich enough to pay for lots of cabins. Unless the son is very sure that he will be happier with his step family than with his biological relatives, it is probably wise not to take him. It's not as if getting him home early from a cruise would be straightforward.

It does sound as if he needs some one-to-one time with his dad, though.

Sadly, I don't think there is a solution to this unless his dad makes it happen. Your DS may be antisocial at dad's house but that's kind of expected at 14. I definitely wouldn't expect him to have the confidence to carve his own place in a much larger (and older) family. It doesn't sound as if the stepmum cares if he isn't around and dad is just looking for an easy life.

Is he closer to any of the stepchildren? Surely, the family (with 2 adult children) don't do everything together. Maybe he could suggest an activity with his dad that might include one step-sibling? Of course he should get 1:1 time but this might be a start. Otherwise, remind your DS know that he is a child and not responsible for maintaining a relationship out of guilt. If he wants to set conditions around when and where he sees his father, support him.

He feels part of his biological family and gets on well with his grandparents, aunty etc. it was his dad/stepmum and kids family that he didn't (and still doesn't) feel part of.

I definitely do not agree with this! Just because a kid is only with one parent half the time why should they be excluded from half of the holidays?! I think that’s really shitty. I would never do that - my son is taken on every holiday we do, you can’t punish them for having separated parents!

OP - your ex sounds like he’s behaving badly and I can understand why your son is upset. Even if he doesn’t particularly enjoy spending time with them (and I can see why) it’s horrible to not even be invited. Your poor son.

This is so sad. Given all your updates on what your ex is like it sounds like he immediately gets angry and defensive when challenged on what’s happening because inside he knows what’s being said is correct and he probably subconsciously feels a lot of shame and guilt and sadness about what’s happened. To accept what’s being said would mean having to confront that he’s been a shit dad and really been hurting his son, which is an enormously hard thing to do. Of course he doesn’t want to go there. I would write him a letter, making sure you start that letter with a lot of affirming praise, i.e. you are a great guy, you were always a wonderful dad and partner, you have these really great qualities of XYZ and our son loves you because XYZ, then do a section of empathy e.g. blending a family is really hard, it’s especially hard blending teenagers, i imagine it is really stressful trying to juggle everything especially with your work, etc etc, and then go into the really problematic behaviour and attitude. You need to give him some really serious home truths and really stress that this is deeply harming your son’s sense of self-worth and will permanently damage their relationship. Then once you’ve done that you should suggest solutions and ways forward. And then end again in a really loving empathetic way.

This is not about pandering to your ex. It’s just being strategic. To get the outcome you desperately need for your son you have to get your ex to hear these truths and the proposed changes he needs to make while in an open frame of mind. If he feels judged, shamed or attacked it just won’t work. Empathy is the only way to get what you need.

This approach always interests me. We have two children… if we have a bad day on holidays with them we have to think about how to adjust, how to support them, how to structure the day and expectations etc. It isn’t an option to leave them at home. Full time parents don’t get to bow out during tricky times. OP - maybe some therapeutic space would be helpful for your son? Being rejected by a parent is really traumatic and having some space to explore his feelings about this and to build up the good relationships in his life might be valuable.

Dad needs to spend more time 1 on 1 with his son (but I bet new wife won’t allow it). I feel very sorry for your son, it’s heart breaking.

That dynamic is a crock of shit and very harmful for your son. He is being mistreated by that group of people, obviously he reacts extremely poorly to being mistreated and they use his reaction to their behaviour against him. It is utterly toxic.

Ultimately he has a very poor father. His father has the choice and the power to change the family dynamics but he chooses to focus on his own relationship with his new wife over his responsibilities to his son.

All that being said that is all incredibly painful for your son. I definitely think he needs therapy to process the fact that he really wants a relationship with a person who does not have the capacity to meet his needs and is actually quite cruel about him. He needs to learn to shift his focus to people in his life who do support him or he will end up with a life long hole that cannot be filled. It is very sad for him.

I kind of get it. If it’s a cruise you can’t just come home halfway through without a load of expense and trouble.

however he was very unkind on his work call if he genuinely said that- I have never known anyone to talk about their kids in detail on a work call, let alone refer to one as horrible. I would be checking in with his father if that definitely happened.

I have a feeling your son may be behaving differently at his fathers.

Just this post alone is enough to see that this relationship is damaging to your son. What is he actually getting out of it? He is never allowed 1+1 time with his dad without his adult step-siblings present - what???

But so many people haven’t read the whole thread - so much victim-blaming of a CHILD who was 13 when he was on the offending holiday where it doesn’t sound like he did anything much wrong expect be a bit quiet and withdrawn.

And I can’t believe the posters who think it’s ok to punish him for not being active enough on the family WhatsApp group! WTF? My own DF hardly ever posts on our family group - he’s 77 and uncomfortable with social media. Going by what posters here say we would be justified in excluding him from family activities IRL!

OP it sounds like your son is desperate for his dad’s approval and terrified of offending him. That’s a massive burden for a 14 year old to be carrying. But the relationship is harming him. These people are emotionally abusing him.

I think maybe he needs you to be the adult and protect him from this emotional abuse. He needs to know that he’s not obliged to maintain a relationship with his father and that he isn’t responsible for adults’ feelings.

Will post properly in a bit as only have two minutes now, but I was your son in this situation (only I had to live in that family full-time) and it did massive damage to my self confidence and future life (much better thanks to a tonne of therapy).

All of which is to say that your son is perhaps not the best person to decide what's right for him, and perhaps talking to someone outside the family set up might be good for him.

OP could you take your son away on a trip to make up for missing out?

Read the thread. Dad refuses to spend ANY 1+1 time with his son. The new wife certainly sounds awful but ultimately his father is the problem.

God, some of the replies on here are utterly depressing. What 14-year old should have to shoulder the responsibility of having a relationship with a dad that clearly isn't trying particularly hard? Or be the bluddy entertainment life-and-soul-of-the-party on a holiday when he isn't even allowed to spend time with his own biological grandparents because of his stepfamily and it has to be equal, otherwise he gets cut from the next holiday? I absofuckinglutely despair.

I’m starting to wonder if this can be real. What sort of 19 and 25 year olds get upset if their mother’s husband spends time with his biological child without them? Much as I would be annoyed if it’s fake I kind of hope it is.

Can you afford to get some therapy for your son? It’s quite clear that his relationship with his dad is going to come to a head and your son is going to be deeply hurt if his dad’s behaviour remains unchanged. If he has therapy, he may learn some tools to help him through that eventuality. It may also help him work out what he actually wants to do in respect to contact with his dad before he’s hurt too badly.

My one comment on your post OP coming from a blended family is that the kids can behave like entirely different people between those two houses so while I’m sure your son is lovely with you at home, your ex may be getting a very different child to deal with and it seems to be causing issues within their family home. Would your ex be open to counselling with your son? It sounds like they may have some issues to work out around their relationship.