To think this was a d!ck move

[Lotsa]

Me and DH aren't on good terms at the moment. Basically I am a 3 month pp mum of 2. One being a demanding toddler the other being an overly clingy baby. I am a sahm to both so he can see his new business up and coming. Lately I've just been feeling so swept under the rug. Like none of my needs are prioritised or matter. I get being a mum means putting your kids first but I had a c section and breast infection post surgery whilst ebf a baby who is (currently) cluster feeding. I would like at times, for my DH to consider me more and just ask how I'm doing. It's so bad that on days he is working I can't shower/eat until late into the day because baby just won't nap or be put down.

Anyways, yesterday, I asked for one simple thing. Something that would be a pick me up. Think a drink from Starbucks. I am exhausted from being up with newborn and bfing through this cluster feed phase. Dh dragged his feet, kids got to bed late and then surprise surprise it was too late to go. I got extremely fed up because to me it just feels like the icing on the cake to not ever being considered. I'm tired of never being able to get have breakfast or shower or brush my hair or put on makeup.

I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense? Last night I went to bed after the last straw for me and DH followed. DH is a massive non talker and hates communicating. Predictably, rather than just asking if I'm okay, he made a few remarks about how I was being unfair to him so I told him to give me space.

This morning he has woken up and wanted to "talk". Again all very predictable, on DH's terms and conditions. I said I'm past that point as I went to bed mad and he knows I hate this. I'd much rather communicate in the moment. He blamed me for saying I needed space as to why he didn't communicate (even though it felt like he came to me to defend himself rather than talk) So instead of just getting on with it, DH then left a screaming newborn just whilst I was making breakfast. Meaning I did not get to eat. AGAIN. Here was me thinking he is home so I can finally eat in peace and no. He literally dumps screaming dbaby down and walks off into the garden.

What really sticks to me is that I remember reading a post about what makes a strong marriage/relationship. And one of responses was that despite arguments and not being on good terms that each partner would still be on the same team and show each other love throughout. I just feel like my partner can do things out of vindictiveness and whenever we had a feud or argument that he makes it well known he isn't going to support or care for me in the moment.

Is it the pp's hormones? We are meant to be getting married soon and all this stuff, although small, is making me have doubts. I don't like this sort of dynamic for a relationship but it's just who DH is as a person. It all seems very depressing and stressful.

I just feel like it was a real d!ck move to leave newborn screaming alone in a room forcing me to attend to them when I was just about to have breakfast after bfing all night and feeling very shaky/weak. DH knows I've been struggling with the cluster feeds and it does not feel supportive one bit, regardless if we are in each others good books or not.

Is he your DH or not? You say DH but then speak of marrying soon.

@WondererWanderer soon to be DH. I just call him DH to make it easier and tbh he feels like one at this point.

Id make sure he marries you. Because if he doesnt and you've given up work to raise children, we'll im sure you know the legalities.

Id hear him out on waht he wants to talk about.

@WondererWanderer I'm aware of the sacrifice I took given up work to have kids. Also having no money put into pension ect. This is why at times like this I really feel it. As I said, I know dh is working to bring in money for us but I feel like he is also benefitting as he is setting himself up. Meanwhile I am at a stage where I don't know what I'm going to do for work going back and don't really get the luxury of thinking about anything for myself at the moment...

You don’t sound very compatible.
I couldn’t be married to someone I couldn’t communicate and resolve things easily with, especially as most divorces are down to lack of communication and that’s after years of trying and communication has eventually broken down.
You haven’t even got married yet, this is the honeymoon period.

You’re not being unreasonable. He needs to be more supportive.

Yes he’s busy working, but you’re also extremely busy looking after the children 24/7 and are newly pp.

You say he’s not one for communicating, would a text or a letter help for you to share how you’re feeling? Maybe you can sit together to make some suggestions of how you can work better as a team, and how he can do simple things that will help support your bf journey and allow you to take more care of yourself.

It’s so easy to become envious of one another, him being out all day, making his dream business work. And he may envy you being able to stay at home with the children. However both of those options come with stress.

Be gentle with yourself. Keep trying to communicate. It won’t always be this tough x

Have you asked him, do you actually care about me?

see what he says

That's not what I meant.

As you're not married to him, if he doesn't marry you and you break up, you are entitled to nothing of his. If he's paid all of the house and you haven't paid into it, you get nothing. If it's not in your name and you haven't paid anything into it.You get nothing.

@Glitterballofdreams he doesn't really suit being home with the kids. At the moment he is struggling and finding it difficult and I get the impression he is happier at work. This is his dream business, so I just don't feel like it equates. I feel like I'm sacrificing where as he (seems) to be adding to himself. Maybe that's just my perception of things though.

@orangeflag we know we aren't compatible in this way. We have had plenty of couples therapy in the past and our counsellor did state this. It just drives me crazy as I am a massive talker/communicator. And he hates it/actively avoids it. Yes I could write him a letter ect but it's always me instigating communication in our relationship and he knows I begrude that fact. Yesterday was just so predictable as I knew he wouldn't actually try to talk to me and instead send himself off to bed. He is good at sleeping on things where as I'm not and it keeps me up at night. It doesn't help that he is there sleeping peacefully whilst I'm seething!!!

Who’s choice was it to give up work?

did you discuss what that would involve, or has he assumed you are now responsible for everything home and child related while he works.

you say you dh is “fortunate” to be working- but especially your own business that can be incredibly stressful. It’s not PAYE where you get paid regardless, if the business drops off you don’t get paid. So if you have a family relying on your business doing well then you need to put the effort in, you can’t slack off or take some a/l to support your wife. I’m speaking as someone who’s dh was also SE- took the day off for the birth then went back to work the next day.

i always worked- it’s got us through some tough times when Dh’s business was in a lull.

it sounds to me like you need to consider going back to work. Then you’ll have childcare, and also be financially better off if the relationship breaks down.

This is irrelevant. You will still be entitled to a state pension as you’re bringing up children, as long as you are claiming child benefit.
OP can also return to work at some point if she wishes.
Living with someone outside of wedlock, and raising their children also financially entitles you, for example, if you were to split up and sell your home.

Yanbu. You’ve recently had a major op and had a baby which has a massive physical and emotional effect, plus you have all the difficulties of a new baby and a toddler to deal with. He should be doing everything possible to support you especially during this difficult period, you’ve birthed and are raising children which are jointly his, plus you’re meant to be his partner in life who he takes care of (just as you would take care of him, it’s what true partners do). You need to make it clear that he really needs to step up and support you.

Oh and you can say dick.

no need for the exclamation mark.

@frozendaisy I did ask him the other day if he loved me, as I'm not really feeling it at the moment.

Of course he just replied "yes". He just said that he doesn't always want to "cave to my requests". I think he is worried to be seen to be 'simping' because his dad dotes on his mum and he can't stand the fact that he does everything she asks. Maybe he has now taking it to the extreme and gone completely the other way. Or maybe he just isn't very attentive as a person.

@Whosenameisthis oh haha thanks I was unsure whether it was okay or not to say it.

But thanks for validating my feelings. Feeling extremely frustrated/sleep deprived and just spent. I feel like everyone needs something of me but wants to give nothing back.

It really doesn’t unless there was another legal agreement re the house purchase. She’d be entitled to child maintenance but that’s about it.

No it doesn't entitle them to sell the home and get some of it unless she's jointly contributed to it financially. She is not his wife. A wife would be entitled to half the house, even if they hadn't paid a penny towards the cost of it. She's not even his next of kin. It's surprising the women that don't know this.

State pension contributions for children are only up until they’re 12. That won’t get you a full state pension.

”just going back to work” isn’t that easy. A long break makes you harder to employ and often you’ll need to step back to the bottom of the ladder or retrain.

”living outside of wedlock” financially entitles you to nothing but child support if you split.
if you can show you’ve contributed financially to the mortgage and house maintenance you may be able to claim something, but o/p isn’t working so won’t be financially contributing. His house, she gets nothing.

Having children without being married and giving up work wasn’t a smart move.

Are you at least a joint owner of your home?

Frankly, you two sound incompatible and I very much doubt this will ever work. Consider taking steps to get back to work and leave.

@HabberdasheryAddict no my name isn't down for anything. I'm aware it puts me in a stupid vulnerable situation. As I said, we were meant to get married....

Yes it was a dick move to neglect your baby and you, in order to make a weak point, like the revolting spineless worm he is.

I couldn't live with someone so emotionally unavailable, to the point of abuse.

I think he is worried to be seen to be 'simping' because his dad dotes on his mum and he can't stand the fact that he does everything she asks.

If you can't dote on a post partum woman who's borne two of your children, then who can you dote on? What a shitty attitude. He's being a dick.

You're in a really vulnerable time right now, you're feeling shit and what you need is support and care, not someone teaching you a lesson and putting you in your place.

You had 2 babies, plenty of couples therapy but you never married or asked him if he was the type to have a wife and kids or to be an involved father, and your relationship is unsurprisingly going down the drain?
OP, get your priorities straight, marry him NOW, you ll give a fuck about feelings later

"Cave" to your requests?! What so you can eat to fuel you for yourself as well as breastfeeding his child?! He sounds like a dick and he needs to step up. So what if he is working?! You appear to be working 24/7

We have had plenty of couples therapy in the past and our counsellor did state this.

You have had two different but big warnings that this is not a good relationship and hasn't been for a long while, and yet you carried on and had at least one more baby. Wake up OP, at best you are in an extremely vulnerable position, at worst you are being emotionally and mentally abused. Go look up the definitions on Relate, Refuge, Women's Aid, UK.gov websites. Abuse can start in pregnancy/post partum due to the woman being financially trapped. Which you are.