To think this was a d!ck move

[Lotsa]

Me and DH aren't on good terms at the moment. Basically I am a 3 month pp mum of 2. One being a demanding toddler the other being an overly clingy baby. I am a sahm to both so he can see his new business up and coming. Lately I've just been feeling so swept under the rug. Like none of my needs are prioritised or matter. I get being a mum means putting your kids first but I had a c section and breast infection post surgery whilst ebf a baby who is (currently) cluster feeding. I would like at times, for my DH to consider me more and just ask how I'm doing. It's so bad that on days he is working I can't shower/eat until late into the day because baby just won't nap or be put down.

Anyways, yesterday, I asked for one simple thing. Something that would be a pick me up. Think a drink from Starbucks. I am exhausted from being up with newborn and bfing through this cluster feed phase. Dh dragged his feet, kids got to bed late and then surprise surprise it was too late to go. I got extremely fed up because to me it just feels like the icing on the cake to not ever being considered. I'm tired of never being able to get have breakfast or shower or brush my hair or put on makeup.

I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense? Last night I went to bed after the last straw for me and DH followed. DH is a massive non talker and hates communicating. Predictably, rather than just asking if I'm okay, he made a few remarks about how I was being unfair to him so I told him to give me space.

This morning he has woken up and wanted to "talk". Again all very predictable, on DH's terms and conditions. I said I'm past that point as I went to bed mad and he knows I hate this. I'd much rather communicate in the moment. He blamed me for saying I needed space as to why he didn't communicate (even though it felt like he came to me to defend himself rather than talk) So instead of just getting on with it, DH then left a screaming newborn just whilst I was making breakfast. Meaning I did not get to eat. AGAIN. Here was me thinking he is home so I can finally eat in peace and no. He literally dumps screaming dbaby down and walks off into the garden.

What really sticks to me is that I remember reading a post about what makes a strong marriage/relationship. And one of responses was that despite arguments and not being on good terms that each partner would still be on the same team and show each other love throughout. I just feel like my partner can do things out of vindictiveness and whenever we had a feud or argument that he makes it well known he isn't going to support or care for me in the moment.

Is it the pp's hormones? We are meant to be getting married soon and all this stuff, although small, is making me have doubts. I don't like this sort of dynamic for a relationship but it's just who DH is as a person. It all seems very depressing and stressful.

I just feel like it was a real d!ck move to leave newborn screaming alone in a room forcing me to attend to them when I was just about to have breakfast after bfing all night and feeling very shaky/weak. DH knows I've been struggling with the cluster feeds and it does not feel supportive one bit, regardless if we are in each others good books or not.

Its not quite as simple as that.
Marriage is a good idea if you give up your career and have children. For example OP has no claim on his business or earnings other than for the children. Her career and financial sacrifices are not taken into account.

I don’t care how stressful someone’s job is, you still have to show up as a partner and especially as a parent. There are parents who work multiple jobs or incredibly stressful jobs yet they put their own stuff aside for the few hours a week they see their children. Of course, everyone has off days when they might be a bit short or not want to play and then you work as a team and ‘cover’ for the other. But generally speaking, a job doesn’t give you an infinite ‘get out of jail free’ card for being a rubbish team mate or parent. It’s unfair on all the parents out there who are at least trying to do both roles well.

Exactly.

No decent man would use this kind of terminology for someone who supports and cares for his partner and young children.

Get married fast for your financial future! You can divorce at leisure should you need to.

That’s awful that he deliberately doesn’t want to care for you - and that he uses an awful word like “simping”.

He sounds horrible and misogynistic.

And yes it was a dick move to leave you with a screaming baby like that.

You are in an incredibly vulnerable position - you should never give up work and SAHM without being married or civil partnered - not without cast iron agreements which might as well be one of those things (and then simpler just to have the marriage/ partnership!).

There's a world of difference between doting & basic bloody kindness.

He sounds horrible & selfish & tbh I'd consider not marrying him!

It’s during difficult times that you find out who really has your back. It doesn’t sound like you are a team at all.

Don’t marry this man.

Did your DH want children OP? Was it very much a joint decision?

There is a lot to unpick here.
Did you have therapy before deciding to have children? You agree with comments about not being compatible so what made you want to stay with him?
Who wanted to start a family?
What was he like when you just had one child -was he more helpful then and more respectful of your needs?
Why did you decide to give up work and not go back part time?

Yes he sounds a dick, but you also sound naive and foolish to give up everything for this man (and I am wondering whether you were desperate for children that you weren't really bothered about who with, as you agree you are not compatible so I am not sure why you got yourself into this mess).

I agree with a previous poster. This isn’t just about you. He’s obviously struggling as well at the moment you’ve said this so what are you doing to support him? It’s a partnership and you both need to be heard and you both need to support each other. A new baby isn’t just incredibly hard and stressful on the mum but it is the fathers too. The dynamics shift so much they can feel very out of their depth and not know how to support someone.
on the face of it yes it is a completely dick move to hand you a screaming baby and walk away but equally we don’t know how he was feeling in that moment. How do we know he wasn’t completely drowning and out of his depth and he handed you the baby to do the sensible thing and regain some composure. There are 2 sides to every story and whilst no one would dispute you need him to step up and support you as a new mum but he is also a new father and will feel an incredible weight on him as well.
You both need to act like adults and communicate and properly listen to each other. If you don’t then there is no point in even trying.

This man is a raging misogynist. The clue is in resenting his father for providing nurturing care to his mother when she needed it. I’d be giving him six weeks to turn things around and if he didn’t I’d be out the door.

You haven’t described a partnership. You’ve described her needing to parent a third child….

OP is there any opportunity to go and stay with your mum or close friend / family member until your situation with your baby calms down a little? If he complains / people ask why, tell the truth - you are collapsing due to lack of sleep and lack of food and desperately need help. Let those hearing that decide if your partner’s behaviour is reasonable or not choosing to ‘not give into your demands’!
Once your situation is a little calmer, time for a strong talk with your partner. Or, if there is nowhere else to go, a talk now. Set out your expectations for balance between the two of you - same amount of downtime. His kids are his kids irrespective of how you and he are getting along. If you get nowhere, personally I would leave him. In the short term if there is nowhere else to go move out of the bedroom, claim benefits as a single person and apply for help with being rehoused. You are a single parent anyway. At least then you are not wasting your youth as his home servant and if he wants to continue to be a father for his children he will have to care for them.
oh and I agree with previous posters - eat something and shower, it won’t kill the baby’s to cry for 5 mins if it’s needs have been met.

If the relationship is so full of conflict, it’s perhaps not a good idea to marry.🤷‍♀️

Have you actually set a date and booked a wedding or is he just saying he’ll marry you?

So because he’s a man he doesn’t need or deserve support. Only women have it tough and everyone around them should bow down to them and ignore the men in a partnership🙄 nice!

There is not a single second where I would consider marrying this man. Definitely not now, perhaps ever.

My self respect and my mental health mean that I could not consider myself an equal to this person who treats me so badly, so unkindly, so dismissively, and your life partner is meant to be an equal. Which doesn't mean that things are exactly the same for both of you, but instead, that things feel fair and your basic needs - for clean clothes, food, hygiene, appeciation of your efforts, a feeling of being able to discuss and contribute to joing decisions are being met (- starting a business when there was a new born baby imminent was a dick move - no time is ever perfect but some are less imperfect than others) .

As for what you do, I would rally my tribe. Friends, family definitely family if you can and get myself support. This isn't something to be hidden. Drag his bad behavior into the open.

"Why is your sister here? It's breakfast time, I wasn't expecting people?!"

"Oh, she's here to help me get food and achieve basic hygiene"

Hell, get Home Start in if they're in your area. Get people around you who can look after you because you need it so you can look after your kids. And plan. If this muppet that you've bred with is to be tolerated going forward, he needs to get into shape fast. And that's a choice, his choice. You need to get your needs met however you can. Babysitter an hour a day. Family move in, you go to family. He needs to step up and make changes fast.

Never would I tolerate this because it's not a Good Thing in your life. Fuck therapy, sometimes less chat and more action because this is so so basic. He can either be a father and partner or not. It's not actually your decision. Your decision is whether you want the piss poor version he's offering you and trust me, you don't. It's not "a man at any cost"

It's less lonely to do it alone sometimes.

You told him to give you space then you got mad at him because he gave you space and waited until the next morning to talk. You complain about him not being a great communicator but when he wanted talk you shot him down because it wasn't on your terms.

MN is a space that is generally very hostile to men so you have pages of posts telling you how awful he is and that you should leave the bastard (but cynically marry him first so that you're financially protected). And it may well be he is a total dick and the relationship is doomed. But it's also worth considering your own contribution to the falling out.

Are you close to your mum, or do you have a really good friend you could talk to?. Me and my friends got each other through the hard times as SAHM when DH’s were working. Get your mum or friend round, you need a hug and a good cry. They can entertain the kids while you shower/eat/nap whatever you need. I wouldn’t make big decisions right now while hormones and tiredness are in control. I have a 15 month gap between my two. I had to stop ebf at :4 months as it was taking to much out of me and so much time from my toddler. Maybe switching to bottles would help too.
if you really have no one to help make sure baby is fed,dry and safe and get in the shower. I remember having mine in the baby seat in the bathroom while I showered. I’d give my toddler those bath crayons to keep him quiet and get in that shower it makes such a huge difference to how you feel.

Don’t make any decisions, you’re full of hormones and sleep deprived. he’s doing his best with the business and he’s only a man. Just hunker down things will improve when the baby’s feeding and sleep is in a good routine. A tiny baby and a toddler is the very hardest parenting time. You’re doing great. Things will improve - a lot.

He doesn't want to cave to your requests. Fuck that

Don't cave to cooking him food, doing his washing or anything else unless you have been fully fed yourself and had a shower. This is not negotiable

Cave to your requests - this is not a partnership if this is the way he thinks

You're caving to him all the time to allow him to build up his dream business

Prioritise yourself tell him to cave off

Why would he leave the 3 month old because he's annoyed with you? It's not the baby's fault you two have argued? I've had arguments with my husband before while he's got the baby...and he kept the baby. Because he was looking after her. He wouldn't just leave her alone crying because he was annoyed with ME. That feels like a big red flag to me about what he's like as a dad. Sounds like he thinks looking after his own child is doing you a favour, so he stopped doing you that 'favour' when he got annoyed.

You both have your own pressures and it’s very relevant to you both as individuals. unfortunately that’s where resentments build up. Just try and do you the best you can without the focus of what you feel you’re not getting. I’m married but completely a ‘single’ parent when it comes to anything to do with our DC

No, actually she did describe how a successful healthy partnership should work. I imagine the fact you can’t see that probably explains a lot about your own failings in the same regard.